Premarital Sex - How to be Chaste


My gf and I were having sex for almost a whole year and now we have been abstaining for about two months. But it is the pink elephant of our relationship. It is driving our relationship along the edge of a cliff.

We have been planning on getting married in about 18 months (i have been planning on asking here in late spring or early summer).

The abstinace rule was my idea alone, she said she would give it a chance, but said she didnt know if she could do it but that she would try. I had come to realize that I could not keep having sex and still be with her for much longer, I wouldnt allow myself to keep turning away from God. So we stopped. I am very commited to my Catholic faith so this whole issue have laid very heavy on me for the past 3+ months and I’m sure will for a long time. She is offended that I see her as a regret and she doesnt see what is quite so wrong with what we did. She gets why but she doesnt agree with it. She is not Catholic but she is very seriously considering it (at a Mass recently she said when the Liturgy of the Eucharist was being done, she for the first time began to think that the real presence might not be so crazy after all :extrahappy:). But her faith while growing over the last few years is not that solid, and she was never that religious, she grew up bouncing from assemblies of God, to baptist to 4square churches and has no real faith formation.

I have explained to her that I don’t regret her, that the sex is not inherently evil but rather the timing is wrong. Sex is not a sin, but without marriage maritial relations are a lie and thus sinful. I am trying to explain this better to her right now. She is very hurt right now. I suggested that I might be able to give in once or twice till we are engaged to make the pain less. But I really dont think I could do this and I know its wrong.

I want to live chastely with her, we have only 16to18 months till we get married. (we plan on reserving the church here in may or june!!! around when we get engaged :love:). She wants to not have sex from our engagement till our wedding, which is good, but I know she will be tempted so much, and it will hurt us as a couple.

So I need advice on how to address this pink elephant. I know there is a difference from abstanace and chastity. But how do you live chastely as apposed to just being abstinant. I have heard of a book that I want to get her, its called “Thrill of the Chaste” and is a novel for girls about chastity and how to make it a huge part of your life. But I am looking for ideas on how to help us live chastely, and grow in love, not become distant because of it. I also need to show her that what we did was wrong.

Once we get married I know we will have little issue with this because she likes the idea of NFP and wants 6 or more kids. She is very Catholic when it comes to her approach on kids. Its the last 5 or 6 months till our engagement that are the problem.

So help please.

If you have a question about what I have said, ask by all means.


Have you gone to Confession? You probably have so forgive me for asking, I mean no disrespect.

Has she enrolled in RCIA? At this time she should be in the Inquiry Classes…just so she can begin to learn about the Church she will be marrying into and why we teach what we do about sexuality.

I would also suggest that the two of you begin a prayer discipline together…and do not put yourselves into the near occasion of sin…do things in groups, do not live together before marriage (even chastely) and begin to treat her like the absolute treasure that she is…the hurt will fade as she learns more and her faith grows. If it does not, it will be good to find out before you enter into marriage so that you can avoid a mistake.


As LSK says, avoid occasions. Avoooooid for it’s easier than fighting.

And don’t give in. Very bad idea. And you’d have a really hard time regretting it. You can’t really do it with the the mind to going into Confession straight afterward, either. So, in short, no. Don’t.

And I also think that the more clear it is to her that you will not give in, the easier it will be and the least harm it will cause.


Kudos to you and many graces for desiring to live up to God’s call to chastity. It ain’t easy as anyone who has the “parts” can tell you (which is to say, almost all of us).

When struggling with a desire, don’t try to force it out with willpower, but do as Bishop Sheen says and crowed it out with something you love more–God and living the life He wants you to. Keep busy, pray, confess, find non-sexual interests you can share.


So much great advice from PP’s. I think that the most important is delving into a prayer life together and not spending ALOT of time alone. I had a friend who had an accountability partner (outside of her fiance). This friend prayed for her, supported her and called her on things when she saw things going wrong. Maybe you have a friend or brother that could do that for you.

Congrats for finding your way back and one your upcoming engagement!

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