Premarital sex & pregnant


#1

I need some advice. Amenda, the unmarried daughter of our (wife & I) good friends from church is pregnant. Amenda deceided that she does not want to get married before the baby is born. She says she doesn’t want to look fat in a wedding dress. My wife has been inivited to attend the baby show this weekend. I am concerned about the impression attending the shower might make on my 8 year old daughter. In addition, Amenda has ask my daughter to be a flower girl for her future wedding. All involved are practicing Catholics. In addition, we also have four boys (15, 13, 6, & 2). Would going to the baby shower send the wrong impression? Should we allow our daughter to participate in the wedding? Should we attend the wedding? Any advice would be greatly appriciated. Thanks & God Bless!


#2

[quote="Tx_Catholic, post:1, topic:241518"]
I need some advice. Amenda, the unmarried daughter of our (wife & I) good friends from church is pregnant. Amenda deceided that she does not want to get married before the baby is born. She says she doesn't want to look fat in a wedding dress. My wife has been inivited to attend the baby show this weekend. I am concerned about the impression attending the shower might make on my 8 year old daughter. In addition, Amenda has ask my daughter to be a flower girl for her future wedding. All involved are practicing Catholics. In addition, we also have four boys (15, 13, 6, & 2). Would going to the baby shower send the wrong impression? Should we allow our daughter to participate in the wedding? Should we attend the wedding? Any advice would be greatly appriciated. Thanks & God Bless!

[/quote]

Well, one thing to keep in perspective is that the trend among clergy is to not perform a wedding for a couple where the bride is pregnant for fear that they are not getting married out of their own free will. However, if what the bride is saying is true about "not wanting to look fat in a wedding dress" it appears that the reason is vanity.


#3

No, it would be giving your children a bad impression if you refrain from participating. The premarital sex was wrong. Keeping the pregnancy is not wrong. It would be wrong to abort. Her decision not to abort is something to rejoice in. By snubbing her, you would be teaching your children that pregnancy outside of marriage is to be snubbed, not premarital sex. It also fails to teach your children to practice charity and patience in accepting people where they are on their spiritual journey. We need humility to not look down upon people who lack the level of faith we may have.


#4

Well...if I remember right my cousin was in a similar situation except she DID marry before having her baby. I can't really say it was "shotgun"...more like the pregnancy just sped up the inevitable. I don't remember my cousin having a bridal or baby shower. But we did go to the wedding. They got married in a Catholic church by a Catholic priest. Their marriage is valid, they're still together, and their kid is adorable. They handled the situation as best they could.

Grandma was a firm believer that pre-marital sex, cohabitation, and invalid marriages were fair game when it came to her finger wagging but pregnancy was off limits always. I would not feel bad attending a baby shower at all. Pre-marital sex is a sin but being pregnant is not. The sin is totally separate from the blessing that God chose to bring out of it. Nothing that happened is the baby's fault and that baby is going to need stuff.

Putting the vanity issue aside for now, I would also not feel bad about attending the wedding as it appears they will have a valid marriage.

I'm not 100% sure I would let my hypothetical 8 year old daughter be the flower girl though. It would depend entirely on what she knew already and how much more information she could handle. By the time the events with my cousin took place, the up and coming 4th generation were all too young to understand *anything *and the youngest of the 3rd generation were all old enough to understand that mommies and daddies are not always husbands and wives. But if the 8-year understands this already, I'd have no problems with her participating.


#5

This is exactly how I feel. Couldn’t have said it better myself.


#6

[quote="Tx_Catholic, post:1, topic:241518"]
I need some advice. Amenda, the unmarried daughter of our (wife & I) good friends from church is pregnant. Amenda deceided that she does not want to get married before the baby is born. She says she doesn't want to look fat in a wedding dress. My wife has been inivited to attend the baby show this weekend. I am concerned about the impression attending the shower might make on my 8 year old daughter. In addition, Amenda has ask my daughter to be a flower girl for her future wedding. All involved are practicing Catholics. In addition, we also have four boys (15, 13, 6, & 2). Would going to the baby shower send the wrong impression? Should we allow our daughter to participate in the wedding? Should we attend the wedding? Any advice would be greatly appriciated. Thanks & God Bless!

[/quote]

Are you against abortion?

Did you never sin?

My sister and brother in law didn't stay pure during their engagement period. They kept falling into sin, actually, and kept going to confession...
Should I have stayed away from their wedding?

Do you think Jesus stay away from the wedding of sinners?

Sorry, but I can't believe you actually ask such a question instead of being happy that these people actually WILL get married and provide a home for their child instead of aborting or letting her/him grow up with a single parent.


#7

first off if Amanda has seen the priest he has undoubtedly counselled that getting married just because of a pregnancy is the wrong reason, and could even invalidate the marriage if it was a factor in forcing her to marry, or her family forcing her.

Second, Amanda’s personal life including how this particular pregnancy resulted are none of your business, but you can’t help knowing because of your relationship with the family. But they are certainly none of the business of any of your children. Why on earth would 4 boys care about a baby shower in any case? they are certainly not invited. Why would your 8 your old be attending? and if she did, why is there a problem? The shower is about supporting the mother and helping her get what she needs to care for a baby whose life she is welcoming in spite of less than ideal circumstances.

A good teaching moment to remind your children we simply never make uncharitable assumptions about anyone’s private life especially in this area, and then when Amanda does get married, will be a time to use it to advantage in teaching your children about Christian marriage.

I don’t discuss my decisions about my own social life with my kids, and wonder why you feel the necessity.

And I will never understand why Catholics question participating in a wedding, assuming it is under Church auspices for Catholic parties, which regularizes a living situation, brings the parties back into communion with the Church, provides a stable Catholic family and is a source of sanctifying grace for the whole Church.


#8

Vanity could play a part but I bet it’s not the only issue. Most good priests will say to wait after the baby’s born. There are a lot of emotions tied up with pregnancy and marriage is never something to be rushed. They can still be good parents. Not all separated/single parents are living in nightmares. Marriage is still a sacrament, however, and it would not be in the best interests of the kid to force the parents to marry.

Go to this girl’s shower!! It shows you affirm her decision to have this baby. I agree, celebrate that she had the courage to carry this baby to term. She probably did it with the threat of ostracism, especially from those who may focus on the fact that she sinned. It’s a great way to show that, while you may not support premarital sex, you’re willing to help her with the baby. Sheesh, when did we get the idea that giving our brother or sister a hand when they needed it is somehow scandal? Yes, Jesus told us to go and sin no more, he also reached people BEFORE they stopped sinning, not after.

Also, since when do boys care about baby showers? Most of them don’t. They don’t even want to know. An eight year old doesn’t need to know much except, “Babies should come when you’re married but, even if they come before, they’re all God’s children.” Take Puzzleannie’s advice on this one.

Yeah…I really don’t see a problem with participation. Now, if it was a question of funding this girl’s abortion…that’s a horse of a different color. Evidently, this is not the case.


#9

You took the words right out of my mouth! That was my first impression when reading the original post. I can’t imagine boys being remotely interested whether or not their mother attended a baby shower.

That being said if the boys know she is expecting a baby and start asking questions, you need to be prepared of course. Prayers for you in handling the matter with delicacy and love. The Holy Spirit will be happy to help you just ask him!

Also, Amenda’s wedding is not even on the calendar yet so it is premature to discuss being a flower girl. That being said, there is nothing wrong with that it would be a wonderful celebration!

God bless.


#10

[quote="puzzleannie, post:7, topic:241518"]

And I will never understand why Catholics question participating in a wedding, assuming it is under Church auspices for Catholic parties, which regularizes a living situation, brings the parties back into communion with the Church, provides a stable Catholic family and is a source of sanctifying grace for the whole Church.

[/quote]

Exactly! If the priest is saying it is okay for them to be married in the church, then who are we to say he is wrong? Go to the wedding and let your daughter be the flower girl.

As for the shower, do you ever donate to a Church sponsored Pro-Life Baby Shower? How is this different?

And just a note from personal experience; we had people decide not to come to our wedding. We'd only been dating/engaged 9 months when we got married. Our priest was fine with our plans and let us have a full wedding mass. As gossipers will do, rumors were spread and people did not come to our wedding because they dissaproved what our priest approved. I've been married almost 20 years and still remember those people who were judgemental and snubbed us. Take my advice and celebrate the beautiful decision to marry in the church and don't focus on their sin. We all sin, some of us just have sinned in ways that everyone can see.


#11

there is no way an adult should be even broaching the possibility with his minor children that a mutual friend has sinned, nor should you even be discussion the sexual activities, assumed or otherwise, of your friends with your children.


#12

The boys are not going to the shower. i only mentioned them to give prespective on our families makeup. My wife was invited to the shower (which i full support). However, my wife was going to take my daughter with her. Would you do so? Our family fully supports Amanda's decision to keep the baby. We would never support a decision for an abortion. My wife and I are not blaring out what a sinner Amanda is to our children. We are all sinners. I was concern for the impression our actions might make. I have spoken to my daughter that a man and woman love each other, get married, and then with God's blessing start a family.

P.S. We are giving alot of our slightly used baby items to this couple.


#13

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