Premarital sex

Hey everyone. Why is sex before marriage considered to be gravely sinful? Also, if a couple does not have sex before marriage then how are they going to know whether or not they are sexually compatible before they marry?

God created man and woman to be committed to each other to form families not merely to satisfy their sexual urges. Look at what has happened in Western societies since sex without responsibility has come into fashion: One parent families with children from multiple fathers. Divorce for any reason at all. Children living in poverty and relying on the government, instead of parents to care for them. Marriage is the beginning of families, not merely an excuse for having sex. That many have a skewed understanding speaks to the depth of selfishness to which our culture has descended.

Also, if a couple does not have sex before marriage then how are they going to know whether or not they are sexually compatible before they marry?

Love is the gauge of a good marriage, not sex. And what is love? A passing feeling? No, it is an act of the will to be committed to each other for life no matter what many come. Most married people have no real problem with sex. The better question is are we compatible in faith? Do we have the same values and goals? Marriage isn’t all romance. Those who think it is are quickly disallusioned. Romance is nice, but it’s the iciing on the cake and not the cake itself.

Thank you for your reply Della. I appreciate it.

Because God created sexual intimacy for a purpose. That purpose is the fulfillment and expression of the marital covenant including the bringing forth of new life.

Those who are not married have no right to exchange the marital embrace. Doing so disorders and disrespects God’s design for our sexuality.

Why do you think people this is an issue? It is not. This is a false argument set up by those who believe sex is for personal pleasure and that “compatibility” is somehow part of that. This attitude is about “what is in it for me”-- that is of Cosmo magazine, not of God.

Sex in it’s proper order in God’s design in a coming together of two people in complete, and mutual self giving.

Sexual compatibility is way over rated and frankly in my opinion a shallow excuss to justify poor behavior. Sexual compatibility is a primary concern only if sex is the reason for the marriage.

Don’t do it. Just don’t do it.

I can safely say with no fear of contridiction that every negative aspect of my life has as it’s direct root and cause my decision to have sex without marriage.

Not so much maybe - how many countless generations of couples have there been whose married life - however pious and faithful - was also an unmitigated misery for one or both of them because they were not compatible sexually. A good marriage will have sex-open-to-life as one of its cornerstones, but to be truly unitive as well as procreative I would suggest that if not out-of-this-world pleasurable it ought to be at-least-comfortable-and-pleasant.

More or less everyone is ‘compatible’ in the sense of (my apologies) bits fitting together - it doesn’t mean it’s not an awful experience for at least one of the couple.

and frankly in my opinion a shallow excuss to justify poor behavior.

Absolutely. The above thing about compatibility is only an issue when that married couple aren’t able to openly discuss what could be done to ensure “compatibility”. Love is way more than just sex, but it does involve respect and care and that includes sexual respect (to coin a phrase).

I can safely say with no fear of contridiction that every negative aspect of my life has as it’s direct root and cause my decision to have sex without marriage.

I echo this…

What if you did have sex before marriage and then thought you were NOT sexually compatible? Would that be the deal breaker? Silly to think something like that would factor into your selection of a good spouse! IF you have problems with the marriage act you have your entire lives to sort things out. That’s the fun part.

You should be thinking more along the lines of whether or not this person loves God and His laws. That will matter more in your marriage.

It’s silly really think how it sounds “He was a really great guy, good with kids, loved Our Lord, loved me, we clicked on so many different levels, but he just wasn’t good in bed! So I kicked him to the curb!” :blush: Silly, right!!!

I’m not saying sex isn’t important, I’m saying it’s not a factor in choosing a good spouse.

What data do you have that supports your claim that unhappiness in marriage is due to sexual incompatibility? Unless their respective parts are malformed, man and women are sexually complementary. Most of the marital unhappiness I have observed was related to money or power.

The other posters had excellent answers!!

*God’s plans for us include loving us enough to give us rules/laws/guidance in areas that can hurt us very much. * This includes having sex out of the boundaries of being married. There are a lot of sexual diseases that can be transmitted if you are physically intimate with others. Many people having sex also are not ready to have babies…and, unfortunately, even with condoms pregnancies happen. The next step with many people after that is to have an abortion because a baby would wreck the plans that they had - ruin their lives…

Men and women also are different when it comes to physical intimacy…men, for the most part, tend to be able to separate their emotions when sex is involved where women tend to become emotionally involved…it’s hard to let go. I have a sister going thru that at this moment. So hard to see people suffer that way.

Another poster stated that love is not gauged by how good the sex is. That is correct!! The word love is a verb. When you say “I love…” you’re doing something. Love has to be worked on, sometimes it’s easier and many times it’s very hard but it has to have each person doing something to help the relationship continue.

Sex before marriage is outside of marriage and therefore adultery. One doesn’t need to find out if they are sexually compatible before marriage, that is just an excuse to play around. Sex is designed by God specifically for the bonds of marriage, not before, not with others after. I would read “Theology of the Body”. BTW, couples that have engaged in premarital sex have a higher divorce rate and marital unhappiness afterwards. Sex is the mutual self giving love between a man and a woman. When done in marriage, you will be “compatible”.
Likewise faithfulness in marriage starts before marriage and pre-marital sex couples likewise have higher adultery rates as well.

You are bringing up false arguments. Marital compatibility has more to do with other big issues like religion than sex. Stop believing the lies the culture has sold you.

What’s wrong with romantic love? And by romance, I mean real love. A desire to please the other person, enjoy their company and show them real respect, and appreciation. Dating is part of that. When you find someone who is a really nice person, and with whom you share each other’s values - that is a gift. The appropriate physical attraction you share is also a part of that.


Some practical advice: Sex is also a skill that can be learned. Anybody who wants to be good at it can be, and unfortunately prior experience can be a hindrance in this regard, because not all people like the same things. Wouldn’t you rather learn it from someone who’s already pledged to love you and sacrifice for you for the rest of your lives? Or do you want to feel like you’re taking a test with someone who might kick you out for failing to live up to standards developed from who knows what?

I wouldn’t describe sex as a skill at all. Commitment, true sacrificial love… that’s what’s important. Sex is as much a skill as eating. And what about communications? Too many have bought the lie that a “test drive” is required. Please stop that. I’ve never heard about two married people where everything is great except for the sex. Come on. If that’s the way you feel, then you’ll have to ignore the “for better or worse” part of your marriage vows. And really get to know the other person before marriage. Talk. Be honest. The last thing you need is to find out about his or her quirks and irritating habits after the ceremony. And let’s stop the sex is first thinking. Sex is last on the list.


I still think sex is something married couples get better at as they go (if they both want to, and I would argue that they should want to). They do that precisely because of their commitment and true sacrificial love. They should want to please their spouse, so they make an effort to learn how to do so, and anybody can learn how if they are willing to communicate - which you mention is also incredibly important.

And yes, there are skills involved in learning how to eat, though many of them become second nature to us very early. Married couples who do things “the right way” can also have those things become second nature pretty early. :wink:

Basically, what I am saying to the OP is that if she and a prospective spouse really want the best for each other, their sex life will be fine - because they’ll adapt to each other and learn together. I am not advocating a “test drive” at all - not sure if you were directing that at me or the OP - just that she should expect that the sex part of the marital relationship should fall into place if she picks a good husband and is willing to be a good wife.

I guess your post was a starting point for me to make some general comments on the topic on premarital sex and why it is so common. It shouldn’t be. Bedding a lot of young women should not be the goal. Of even just one. Even if you intend to marry. All relationships are based on good communications and other types of compatibility. As couples get older, and even when they’re younger, really enjoying each other’s company and having things in common are the two things that will carry your marriage forward. Out of any 24 hour day, take out time to work, cook, clean, etc. and how much time is really left for sex or what if the other person becomes ill, or you’re just too tired?


I’ve never understood the sexually compatible thing either

I’ve never heard anybody say, “oh well you know Richard and I are soulmates and we have so much in common it’s just perfect, but I don’t think that we are sexually compatible so it’s not going to work.” Nonsense.

It’s a false notion of marital relationships and focuses on mechanics instead of self-giving love which is the basis of real satisfaction in marriage.

I think everyone has given great answers to the question already.

All I can add is when you take sex out of it’s marital confines you are generally doing it for momentary pleasure. You’re essentially using each other, which is the exact opposite of love. This is especially true when contraceptives become involved.

Sex can (and does) lead to children. Children are a big commitment physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Far too big a commitment for one person (kudos to the superheroes who make it work as single moms or dads:thumbsup:). So society has always recognized the need for the man and woman to make a public commitment to each other beforehand.

Lastly, I’ll add what I think is the best link to well-reasoned arguments in favor of chastity:

Sex is only natural, but why settle for what’s natural when you can have the good, supernatural? Sex is cheap and keeps us from searching for God.

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