Preserving my Virginity

I am a 19 year old female, born and raised in the Roman Catholic Church. While going to Catholic school, I met my current boyfriend. We’ve been going out for three years now and he wants to be more intimate.

He’s respected my boundaries for all this time but has really been adamant about doing more. I, however, am adamant about preserving myself until marriage. He suggested that we do anal sex instead of vaginal in order for me to keep my virginity. I’ve thought about it for a while, but I would like your opinion on it. Thanks, and god bless.


A question for you: is your virginity simply a matter of a body part, or is it a matter of preserving your chastity until marriage? If it’s ‘chastity’ – and I think that it is – then that means that it’s all about avoiding inappropriate intimate activity prior to marriage. That means that if you were to go this route, would you really still consider yourself virginal?

(And we don’t even have to get into the problems associated with anal sex in order to address your question…)

Have you thought that what he is proposing is completely immoral and goes against what you have been taught by the Church. It’s not about preserving your virginity although that is Important and something you want to do, it’s about committing a mortal sin. Please don’t give in. If he is sincere in his feelings for you and respects you he wouldn’t ask you to do this. You didn’t say whether you intended to marry him or not or if it was an option. God bless you. Do the right thing. You know what that is, don’t you.

That’s a mortal sin. God’s opinion, not mine.

An damage yourself? Sorry but you need to find a new boyfriend. If he is pushing this sort of gross behavior, then it is time to move on. Read the book, Theology of the Body. Having anal sex just does damage. Your digestive track was not meant for this sort of thing. Real love can wait. Likewise, you need to stop being alone with him where there is opportunity for this sort of behavior.

Virginity has little to do with how sex is performed.

Virginity has to do with the soul.

Preserving the integrity and purity of your soul is virginity, and it is attained through chastity.

The spouses who live their marital relationship in chastity do not stain each other’s souls even as they have sexual relationships, and in fact sanctify one another in doing so, through the fulfillment of its sacred procreative and unitive purposes.

I would discuss the matter under spiritual direction. This is a very slippery slope, and it can lead to the loss of two souls.

No, you would not be preserving your virginity, or his.
Yes, this would be a completely unchaste act, degrading to the both of you, and displeasing to God.
You should probably lose the boyfriend, but if you decide to stay with him, talk to him about the importance, not just of staying physically intact, but of being chaste in general. It really does effect your self esteem, your relationship with God, and your relationship with your future spouse. Performing immoral sexual acts in order to skirt the “rules” is one of the way folks develop sexual addictions which are so harmful and end thousands of marriages every year. Please don’t agree to what your boyfriend is suggesting.

Oh, and also, ewwwww!


In heavens name why would you want to start having sex like that? It’s not the most comfortable I would suspect so why make your first experience so “icky”? If your boyfriend really loves you he would respect you and make your first experience romantic and loving in a marriage.

Maybe you two should be discussing marriage soon if sex is becoming so important.

One day there will be a young man who doesn’t want to go a day without you by his side. He will come before God, family and friends to say that he will love you and cherish you all the days of his life. This is a man who will understand that you have a heart that can be broken, and he will do anything not to break it. Love is willing to wait for that day. Love does not put a risk of pregnancy onto a woman for a few minutes of pleasure. If there’s a pregnancy, all the risk falls on you. How could he ask that of you?

When you honor God with your dating, you will never have regrets.
Wait until it’s the proper time, when there’s a ring on your finger. Until then, he has no business putting pressure on you.

That very intimate part of you is for a man who has earned it. God, family, and friends, as God designed.

If he really loved you, he wouldn’t treat you in such a disrespectful way. God made you (and your bf) in His Image and Likeness; to treat you as merely an object of sex, your bf is disrespectful of God. Perhaps if you explain it in this way, your bf will understand how serious you are and treat you with true love. God Bless you and may He grant you perseverance and strength to continue to live your life faithfully.

I find that story a little hard to believe. Now had you just suggested that he’d asked you to masturbate him, or even provide oral sex, I might have taken the question more seriously…:rolleyes:

If you re-arrange the spelling of the first word of the title of your thread, Preserving becomes Perversing (Spell-check doesn’t want to accept this particular word, but I think you’ll catch my drift.) What your boyfriend is trying to do is perverse your virginity. Now I’ll say something to take some weight off his shoulders, so to speak: he might not be doing this on purpose, and he might just be responding to his urges, but he needs to be called on what he’s actually asking you to do. He is asking you to sully yourself, the future mother of his children, despite the fact that you want to remain a virgin. He needs guidance, too, because if he’s that insistent with you, he might have other sexual problems he needs to come clean with. Actually, both of you together, should go to confession, Mass, and communion.

I hope it all works out, and I hope you never give in. You are pleasing Jesus Christ by choosing to remain a virgin until marriage. Don’t disappoint Him.

This would include the forms of sex mentioned in the OP:
4 ways premarital sex is harmful

Ah, it came to me: Perverting my Virginity is what came to my mind, but my sometimes dysfunctional brain wanted to use Perversing.

Hi! :slight_smile:
*The bottom of this response has book recommendations and a video link which I really want you to see, as well as a website where you can purchase both!! *

I first want to say that it took a lot of courage for you to ask such a personal question to the world of cyberspace. I want to say that I admire your courage, and I think that anyone who has or will reply in a rude manner should not judge you for asking a sincere question which many people would be too afraid to ask a community of unknown people online.

That being said, I think that you should also be careful what you post online, and for your safety you should speak with a trusted adult who is a practicing Catholic about your relationship with your boyfriend. Perhaps a religious sister, (since you are a young woman it may be more awkward or uncomfortable speaking with a priest who is a man about these issues. And you must speak with someone other than the online community)

I think that the fact that you asked this question means you already feel unsure about it, and you should. God has placed within women an intuition and conscience that is a guiding compass which warns them when they are being taken advantage of and which directs them to the man who God has"set apart for you before the world existed" (Tobit 6:18) Listen to your intuition!! It is there to protect you (and your boyfriend.)

Let me answer this question with other questions. Would you like to be married one day? If you do, then your future groom is out in the world somewhere right now. Imagine him. What kind of a man is he?

… But, what if he has a girlfriend? Maybe he met her in school like you met your boyfriend. It’s summer break, so they have lots of time to see each other. Now, imagine that your future husband’s girlfriend begins to pressure him to do the same thing your boyfriend is asking you to do with him. Imagine her saying the same things your boyfriend said to you. What would you do if you could meet the girlfriend of your future groom? What would you say to her? What would you want THEM doing right now? Wouldn’t you want him to say “No, (insert girlfriend’s name) I am attracted to you, and I want to be close to you, but I choose to be pure for my future bride. I am her gift. You don’t have the right to take that away from her.”

If the idea of your future husband doing to some girl the same thing your boyfriend wants to do to you grosses you out or makes you angry, then please take that as a cue from God that it isn’t preserving your virginity or your purity and it would be wrong of you to do with your boyfriend.

Maybe you have made past mistakes. From this day forward, you can choose to say 1 of 2 things

a) “I am going to guard my virginity AND purity with God’s help and lots of prayer, to be a gift that only my future spouse deserves.”

b) “Whatever. I don’t care about my future spouse. They’re not worth it.”

Which of these two things would you want your future groom to say about YOU?

Remember this: Do not think that by doing what your boyfriend suggest your sexual tension will go away. Each sexual act is created by God to lead to sexual union. So, the more you and your boyfriend do together, the more you will want to do. It will not quench your desires. Remember, there is nothing evil about your desires. Sexual desire does not = lust. Lust is when you use a person as a means to an end outside of God’s design for love and sex. So avoid foreplay or sexual acts, because they are meant to lead your bodies to sex.

I HOPE that you watch this awesome talk called ‘Romance Without Regret’ (Watch parts 1 through 9)

I **HIGHLY **recommend two books. Pure Womanhood by Crystalina Evert and How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul: 21 Secrets for Women by Jason and Crystalina Evert.

You can buy the book and the talk ‘Romance Without Regret’ through

Remember, love can wait to give but lust can’t wait to take. To test your boyfriend’s love for you, take the sexual elements out of the relationship. If there is love, your bond will be stronger. If not, you are one step closer to the real thing.

Posts: 1

this seems quite suspicious and I’m doubting the sincerity. There have been quite a few posts 1 and 2 regarding sexual topics that seem like an attempt at trolling. We will see if this is the same person, using a sock (another account/same person)

Thank you everyone for the incredible advice regarding my situation. I really love this forum for the fact that I can get so much response so quickly.

I really had been taking his requests into consideration for quite a while (I don’t want to lose him, he really is amazing), but I think I’ll have to have another sit down and talk with him.

And thank you to the user that gave me literary recommendations as well, your words were really kind and I intent to delve into those books as well. Thanks you everyone, this has helped immensely.

Also, sorry for any typos, I am on mobile.

It might not be a troll. Frequent forum members often use alternate accounts to ask sexual questions. I guess they want to preserve the reputation of their anonymous, online self.

This would still cause you to lose your virginity. Theologically speaking, masturbation resulting in orgasm would cause one to lose their virginity too.

The Church considers anal sex to be disordered even for married couples and does not allow it.

Personally, I would slap your boyfriend for such a suggestion and dump him. His suggestion to you says a lot about his character and respect he has for you.

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