I don’t know where to start with this because I’ve never revealed it to anyone else. Basically, I think I MIGHT be called to priesthood but I have doubts - actually DOUBTS.
I think I should start this way. I’m 21 years old and I’m a craddle Catholic. I went to church every Sunday, went to confession etc. during my younger years, however I was doing it basically because my mom wanted me to do it and I kinda felt obligated to follow her. Don’t get me wrong, I believed in the Trinity and the ‘basic stuff’ etc., but that’s probably where my faith ended - I didn’t really care much (nor understood). Two years ago I moved to the UK to study politics. I stopped living like a catholic but during this academic year something happened and I fully returned to the Church. I got confirmed this year and I love God and I love his Church very much. I’m an orthodox Catholic who is becomming more and more traditinalist and conservative all the time. While last year I disliked going to the Holy Mass, these days I would love going every day (and I would literally do that if I had more time and was a little less lazy and more disciplined).
Anyways, I’ve always wanted to find a girlfriend, get married and have children. Because of my shy nature (I’m very shy when I have to meet new people) I’ve never really been lucky with the first one - especially now that I really want only an orthodox Catholic girlfriend (they are terribly uncommon around here). I know that this is very uncommon these days so I don’t really normally tell people. I started praying to God so he would help me to find someone because I really wanted to share my life with a female.
But…about a few month ago the idea of priesthood started appearing in my mind. I’ve never wanted to be a priest and the idea of celebacy scared me. Before that (yet still this year, a friend of mine, a student discerning to priesthood, suggested me (I think it wasn’t truly serious) to become a priest but to that I said a definate no (though of course I didn’t say it this way)). So this confuses me, what is going on? Am I called by God? What does it mean to be called by God? How do I know that? It may be just some thing in my head, so how do I know?
I started praying and asking God to give me a sign - a sign to know that this is really His will. I truly want to follow his plans with me and that’s what I told him. You see, I’m scared and very uncertain I could ever become a priest, but if God wants me to be one, I trust him (and for that I need to know if that’s the case). It was about only few weeks ago when my priest, speaking about Blessed Mary, said that we should follow God and trust him to lead us to the right place. These words almost pearced me like a sword because I started thinking that maybe I’m really wrong in trying to rationalize why I’m not the right person. Mary didn’t do that though I doubt she thought she was the right one.
But what are really the reasons? Well, first, I think don’t know that much about my faith to make such an important decission. I still bqttle with doubts and I can’t see myself leading people when I trully need to be lead myself. I’m also not a good public speaker and reader and that is something that priests do all the time. I’m just generally timid in front of large congressions of people so imagine that. Finally however, my parents payed a lot for my education and I think it’s my obligation to return them their support (both in terms of money and physical care). I can’t see that happeneing if I would end up as a priest.
So what are your thoughts or suggestions? How do I know God’s call?
Thank you beforehand for your support!