Privacy settings in you marriage


#1

DH and I share absuluteky everything with eCh other, including passwords to all our accounts, be it banking email or facebook, phones, mail etc.

I kind of took it fore granted that that’s the norm in a marriage and was rather surprised to see some of my friends shocked with this.

It’s not that we go through each other’s stuff but it’s more that we have access if needed or wanted, plus I find it’s a sign of trust.

Some of my friends say that they would like to do that but their spouses don’t agree to it. I wonder what the norm on here is


#2

I would say I'd be disturbed if my DH **refused **to share such information.

For the most part, we haven't shared it but not for any reason other than I'm the one who takes care of the banking, he's the one with the eBay account, etc. He's told me the psw but I didn't write it down and don't remember it. Same probably for him and the bank stuff. Even though these are joint items, we divide up the duties.

We have separate email and facebook accounts. I guess I don't get why I would want or need his psw or vice versa. That has never come up in any way. Everyone needs their own personal space, I guess that's my opinion.


#3

My wife and I are very open with one another, but we’re both computer people so we have always had our own computers and mostly don’t mess around with the others’ machines or accounts. Neither of us has felt the need to go snooping around in each other’s stuff.

Now, having said that, if she asked me for my passwords I would give them to her (and vice versa, I’m sure)…but it’s just never come up. Not saying that’s the necessarily the ‘right’ way, but it’s what works for us.

I think being able to trust one another is the key. Mistrust can manifest itself at either extreme, so I think the motivations are more important than the actual logistics of sharing or not-sharing passwords.

I know one couple that shares all their passwords and accounts, but the reason for it is because one of the spouses is very insecure and constantly worried that the other is doing things they shouldn’t (which isn’t happening, and likely never would). I have met other couples where they refuse to share their passwords because they probably are hiding something. Either is a sign of deeper problems unrelated to whether passwords are shared or not.


#4

We share email addresses, no secrets.

I pay the bills and have all the accounts logins etc. But she knows the various passwords I use.

The only account she doesn't know the password for is this one at CAF. She knows I use it a lot and if she wanted to know my user name, i would tell her.


#5

I know his password for mundane things like his Amazon.com account, but nothing personal like his facebook. He has my password for all my accounts though, because I use the same password for everything and I’ve told him what it is (though he usually forgets and has to ask for it again.) I think it would definitely strengthen my trust of him to know his passwords, because the times I’ve accidently had access to them I’ve uncovered things. Facebook’s default is to keep you logged in until you log out so both of us accidently use each others accounts sometimes before realizing we are logged in as the other. One time I clicked on the “new message” notification thinking it was for me, but found out it was from a woman he told me was someone he dated three times years ago and never heard from again talking about how much he’s meant to her through the past few months and inviting him over to her house for a party. Ugh. It really makes me wonder what else is lurking in his other accounts. He complains that I don’t trust him, and I really wish I could, but that was like the 7th time something like that has happened. So the next time I heard through facebook that one of his friends from college was more than a friend and he denied it, I wanted to believe him but I just didn’t. We definitely need more transparency. As far as emails go, that’s out of the question because he told me he wanted to talk to my family about me without me knowing what he said. Wow, that’s reassuring. :frowning:

I agree with achmafooma that when there’s trust in a relationship, there’s no need to share passwords. I wouldn’t give it a second thought if my trust hadn’t been broken so many times before.


#6

We know each other's e-mail information....well, as far as I know!! :D (I suppose it is a good sign that I find this something to joke about!)

Our discussions revolve more around when to keep one's mouth shut. As in: If you see the run in my stockings before we leave the house, say something. If you don't see it until we're walking in the door at our destination, pretend it escaped your notice.

We don't have a social life that the other one is unaware of. We do keep other people's secrets, not just according to HIPPA laws, but also just to honor confidentiality. That's stuff that the other one has no business knowing, though....not things the spouse did, but things that the spouse's friends or relatives have confided in him or her. I know spouses who think that telling other people's confidences falls under "we tell each other everything", but I think that crosses a line. If you need to talk about someone like that, you need to talk to a priest, or someone else whose discretion (and qualifications to help) are beyond question.


#7

I answered the last because he knows mine (because I’m fairly predictable). I don’t know his because I’ve forgotten what he’s told me (I’ve never felt the need to ask for his facebook, or felt the need to go snooping…). I do all the finances and payments in our house so I have all those passwords.


#8

Both my husband and I keep all of our user names and passwords (employment related, banking, social networking, investments, online shopping, email accounts, etc.) in a secure location only the two of us know about. We started doing this at the beginning of our marriage in case one of us became incapacitated. So, yeah, we do have access to each other’s online lives, but I think I speak for both of us when I say that we would consider it a massive invasion of privacy one of us started going through the other’s accounts willy-nilly. I would be furious with the man if I found out he’d gone into my email, for example, without asking me first without a life-or-death reason.


#9

I'm not married so I can't speak for myself but I have to say the level of openness you all describe has really surprised me. I can't imagine just letting another person, even a spouse, into my email accounts or my facebook. I'm notoriously private and I hate the idea of someone else having access to something so private and personal. It's not because I have anything to hide, I just like keeping things to myself. So I find the idea of sharing it all very bizarre. But maybe it's just because I'm not married :shrug:


#10

[quote="PerfectTiming, post:9, topic:241684"]
I'm not married so I can't speak for myself but I have to say the level of openness you all describe has really surprised me. I can't imagine just letting another person, even a spouse, into my email accounts or my facebook. I'm notoriously private and I hate the idea of someone else having access to something so private and personal. It's not because I have anything to hide, I just like keeping things to myself. So I find the idea of sharing it all very bizarre. But maybe it's just because I'm not married :shrug:

[/quote]

Your attitudes toward online privacy are neither good nor bad; they just are. They are something, however, that you'll have to come to an understanding about with a future spouse as you discern marriage lest they become a source of sour feelings later on.

I could be wrong, but I don't think too many couples share passwords so they can keep tabs or check up on each other. I think the sharing is mostly for an in-case-of-emergency scenario. At least, I hope that's why. I wouldn't want to be in marriage where my husband was demanding passwords so he could read my emails or I felt I needed to check his accounts to make sure he's not hiding anything from me. That gives me the heebie-jeebies.


#11

My husband and I have separate FB and email accounts, but everything else is joint. Including our cell phone. And we know all of each other's passwords. I can't imagine it being any different. We don't check up on each other or anything- no need for that. If my husband refused to let me know his passwords or was highly private about anything I would be very suspicious.


#12

We know everything about eachother's!!! We are best friends. Why hide things?:D


#13

As far as bank accounts and the like go it is all shared as we see ourselves as one in these situations.

With email and other things such as facebook we do not actively share passwords, but we also don't try to hide them from eachother. I simply see no reason to share these things as I think some privacy is healthy, even in a marriage. I feel that I still have a right to private conversations with friends and the like.

Part of our relationship is built on trust. I trust her to have some things that are private to her, and she trusts me to do the same.


#14

We have each others PSW's. I even have his facebook psw's as I get on his page so I can send myself items for games I play on line while he is at work. We each have some old friends both male and female that we have on our pages and there is no threat to our marriage by having them there. They are married now and it's just nice to reconnect with old friends. (none of them were past BF's or GF's) We trust each other and if he did not share with me I would think there was something he was trying to hide. I'm a very open person...ask me anything and I'll give you an answer. It may just be me, and it probably is, IF you have nothing to hide...why do you need to keep things secret? My life, as boring as it is, is an open book.....and my husband has nothing to worry about when he trusts me with his passwords an accounts.


#15

Ditto


#16

Passwords and accounts have never been a big deal for us: he knows everything I do online because other than CAF, blogging, and facebook I don't do anything. lol

Sometimes DH will leave his facebook up and I'll post crazy statuses like "DH really loves kitties and rainbows and monkeys!" just to poke at him. But because I often leave my facebook signed in he will do the same back...revenge is sweet! :p


#17

Just a question…a bit OT…

How do you all keep tabs on all your different passwords for all your different accounts? I have trouble using one…let alone a different one for every single account I have. It must get confusing…doesn’t it?? Maybe you are all just smarter than me.:smiley:


#18

My husband does not have any of my passwords. I don't care if he has the passwords to my retirement accounts or bank accounts. I would also let him have my facebook password. I would not let him have my email password. I prefer privacy when talking to friends and family.


#19

Debbie58 - Oh I have a variation of three or four words I use combinations of them. Example (Note this is not my password!!! Not even close!!! lol) I would use the words monster, cat, summer. I could use Summ3rC@T or M0nsterSumm3r or C@tM0nster.

I also have found that e-mailing them to myself is helpful when it is a password I absolutely have to remember. I often times write them down in personal filing area just cause there can be so many requirments (some sites require a ton of letters, changing your password to something completely new every 6 mo. etc.). :rolleyes:


#20

Neither my husband nor I are on Facebook. I hate that thing.

We have a primary email account, which is shared, and we each have a backup account in case of both trying to join the same forum. :stuck_out_tongue: And, yes, we know each other’s passwords. He does most of the banking stuff, though I do pay bills at times, but I do know the numbers. We keep a file of them, just in case. We live overseas, so we have a file with all of our passport numbers, too. We have separate cell phones (so we can call each other), but we each know the lock to the other’s phone. Mine changes regularly because some of our daughters need to know it when they borrow my phone, but the little ones always try to take pictures with it and run down the battery. :rolleyes: So I have to keep him updated on it, and he usually forgets. As the numbers are always either our anniversary or some feast of Our Lady, though, he could figure it out if he needed to and had forgotten. (Or he could ask our girls.) His doesn’t change, so I remember it. The bill is joint.

I am with the ones who think that if I have nothing to hide, why would I have any secrets? My husband knows my account on this forum, for instance, and though I’ve told him the password – it’s always the same one – I always use the auto-login option anyway.


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