Problem at Home


#1

Ok it seems this is becoming a common issue and now I'm almost certain what the outcome is going to be.

When I moved in with my Dad and his gf for college I didn't expect such problems. I've known my dad's gf for seven years-I know that she is a decent enough person to be around most of the time. Of course I know she also requires Prozac for depression and have felt that depression aimed at me even prior to moving in with them.

Now it seems every time she has a mood drop its MY fault! If I forget to put away a dish then thirty minutes later she's talking about how I don't love her in front of my dad in full depressed ranting mode(never directly to me). If me and my Dad ate before her because we thought she was asleep and we were watching a documentary then when I'm gone she'll argue with my dad about all my faults and behave passive aggressive for most of the day.

I hate that she gives my dad **** about me, I can hear it through the small house and then it becomes a tirade.

It seems no matter how small I make my presence I end up doing something that annoys her, and her depression ends up feeding me with guilt from their arguments which leads to me feeling depressed (as if I needed assistance there). Right now I just feel very angry that she's this one cog that doesn't fit in the machine...


#2

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:1, topic:253407"]
Ok it seems this is becoming a common issue and now I'm almost certain what the outcome is going to be.

When I moved in with my Dad and his gf for college I didn't expect such problems. I've known my dad's gf for seven years-I know that she is a decent enough person to be around most of the time. Of course I know she also requires Prozac for depression and have felt that depression aimed at me even prior to moving in with them.

Now it seems every time she has a mood drop its MY fault! If I forget to put away a dish then thirty minutes later she's talking about how I don't love her in front of my dad in full depressed ranting mode(never directly to me). If me and my Dad ate before her because we thought she was asleep and we were watching a documentary then when I'm gone she'll argue with my dad about all my faults and behave passive aggressive for most of the day.

I hate that she gives my dad **** about me, I can hear it through the small house and then it becomes a tirade.

It seems no matter how small I make my presence I end up doing something that annoys her, and her depression ends up feeding me with guilt from their arguments which leads to me feeling depressed (as if I needed assistance there). Right now I just feel very angry that she's this one cog that doesn't fit in the machine...

[/quote]

Why are your dad and his girlfriend living together? Are they married? You do not that cohabitation is a grave sin right? That's your problem right there.


#3

I know how horrible it is when everything's you fault and nothing you do is right.
My stepmother didn't cope so well with teenage daughters and found fault with most of what I/we did which was why I left home. [And it wasn't terribly long since our mother had suddenly died, so emotionally everything was already hard.] Couldn't take it any longer...she did get over that kind of thing...some just don't cope (at first, and in some cases forever) with the kids of their loved partner. It took me a few years to really understand and for her to adapt...but it is horrible to live through and you feel like a second class member of the family. She used to complain to Dad also and it's all very hard...so I do understand. I don't actually know your age and when it's time to find your own place, but the time will come. And your Dad will come to know you don't deserve the invective and criticism. It can't be easy for him.

As always you're in my prayers. I do tend to remember you. I know things are chronically hard for you, but I do know what is is to go through a lots of stuff, and in the end things can work out.

Take care, Love.


#4

How old are you?

If you are over 18, I would suggest you get a job and find a place to rent on your own.


#5

I know how horrible it is when everything's you fault and nothing you do is right.
My stepmother didn't cope so well with teenage daughters and found fault with most of what I/we did which was why I left home. Couldn't take it any longer...she did get over that kind of thing...some just don't cope (at first, and in some cases forever) with the kids of their loved partner. It took me a few years to really understand and for her to adapt...but it is horrible to live through and you feel like a second class member of the family. She used to complain to Dad also and it's all very hard...so I do understand. I don't actually know your age and when it's time to find your own place, but the time will come. And your Dad will come to know you don't deserve the invective.

As always you're in my prayers. I do tend to remember you. I know things are chronically hard for you, but I do know what is is to go through a lots of stuff, and in the end things can work out.

Take care, Love.

Thank you, it helps to have sympathy to this issue. Though I'm sure your situation was 100 times worse than my own and for that I apologies for complaining...

How old are you?

If you are over 18, I would suggest you get a job and find a place to rent on your own.

19, I suppose that makes me a failure at life for being so coddled that I'd probably die in the streets before I could situate living alone while going to college. I really am a total failure, I still can't drive and couldn't survive on my own to save my life...


#6

Attempt to overcome her bitterness with love. Pray the Rosary for her intentions. There is no problem too difficult for the Rosary. The change may not happen right away but be patient. I will pray for you tonight, friend.


#7

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:5, topic:253407"]

19, I suppose that makes me a failure at life for being so coddled that I'd probably die in the streets before I could situate living own while going to college. I really am a total failure, I still can't drive and couldn't survive on my own to save my life...

[/quote]

No! No! No! You are not a failure, and I certainly wouldn't say you were "so coddled". You are in a very difficult situation. And here's my advice, take it or leave it, it's your choice:

FINISH SCHOOL! And I don't care how you do it. If you have to live with your dad and his GF, then do it. You have your whole life ahead of you. The economy is the pits. By getting your education, you will enable yourself to live on your own, and on your own terms. Your father's situation is not your sin and it's not your responsibilty to parent your parent. Living there in order to get through school is not agreeing with his lifestyle and his choices. When you graduate you will find a job, and will be out on your own, and you will continue to be a living example of your faith. Study hard and get through it.

I would challenge someone who says you have to move from there, to offer you lodging and food as you are getting at home, so that you can graduate.


#8

[quote="Trishie, post:3, topic:253407"]
I know how horrible it is when everything's you fault and nothing you do is right.
My stepmother didn't cope so well with teenage daughters and found fault with most of what I/we did which was why I left home. [And it wasn't terribly long since our mother had suddenly died, so emotionally everything was already hard.] Couldn't take it any longer...she did get over that kind of thing...some just don't cope (at first, and in some cases forever) with the kids of their loved partner. It took me a few years to really understand and for her to adapt...but it is horrible to live through and you feel like a second class member of the family. She used to complain to Dad also and it's all very hard...so I do understand. I don't actually know your age and when it's time to find your own place, but the time will come. And your Dad will come to know you don't deserve the invective and criticism. It can't be easy for him.

As always you're in my prayers. I do tend to remember you. I know things are chronically hard for you, but I do know what is is to go through a lots of stuff, and in the end things can work out.

Take care, Love.

[/quote]


#9

Flavius, you really are too hard on yourself. You are not a total failure. Lots of people don't drive until they are adults, if at all. Don't beat yourself up about so much.

Buy a pair of earplugs and wear them a lot of the time. Small house = need for privacy. Wear your ipod and listen to some nice music.

Your dad and his girlfriend should NOT be shacking up in the first place, but I suppose you already know that. If you tell your dad that, he might just kick YOU out instead of GF, because YOU are not sharing his bed and she is.

Any possibility of a dorm room on campus? Or sharing an apartment off campus with some friends?

If not, just do the best you can to be polite and cheerful. Don't let her moods drag you down. Detach from the drama as best you can. Try not to take it personally, you already know she suffers from depression so you are one step ahead of the game.


#10

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:1, topic:253407"]

When I moved in with my Dad and his gf for college I didn't expect such problems. I've known my dad's gf for seven years-I know that she is a decent enough person to be around most of the time. Of course I know she also requires Prozac for depression and have felt that depression aimed at me even prior to moving in with them.

[/quote]

I don't think people are depressed because of people in their lives. They are mostly depressed because of chemical imbalances. Those who rely on others to make them happy will always be unhappy and depresseed. Happiness comes from within you, not from outside of you. So I don't think it's you. I think it's her.

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:1, topic:253407"]

Now it seems every time she has a mood drop its MY fault! If I forget to put away a dish then thirty minutes later she's talking about how I don't love her in front of my dad in full depressed ranting mode(never directly to me). If me and my Dad ate before her because we thought she was asleep and we were watching a documentary then when I'm gone she'll argue with my dad about all my faults and behave passive aggressive for most of the day.

[/quote]

If you're as unhappy as you say you are, perhaps burying yourself in your studies is the way to go. Just stay away from her. Be polite and pick up after yourself. And just remove yourself from the situtation. Honestly, I would have let your dad handle it, and gone in my room and studied. Since the two of you were in that situation, just let him handle her. She's his problem, not yours. Do you think that would work for you? or is she seeking you out and in your face?

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:1, topic:253407"]

I hate that she gives my dad **** about me, I can hear it through the small house and then it becomes a tirade.

[/quote]

But you know, that's his choice. When he gets tired of being her sounding board, he'll make some changes. Stay out of it.

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:1, topic:253407"]

It seems no matter how small I make my presence I end up doing something that annoys her, and her depression ends up feeding me with guilt from their arguments which leads to me feeling depressed (as if I needed assistance there). Right now I just feel very angry that she's this one cog that doesn't fit in the machine...

[/quote]

Feeling guilty is not warranted. You're not responsible for her happiness. No matter what you do, you can't make a miserable person happy. Sure there are little things you can do, and little gestures, that can make people happy for the moment. But someone's chronic depression is not your fault. If you feel badly, say a prayer for her. Pick up a chore that will make her happy for the moment. Getting angry is just a distractor and doesn't do any good anyway. It sounds to me like she finds your presence intrustive and that is not your problem. Avoid fighting with her and let your dad deal with her. You're there to get through school.


#11

Having come from a family full of crazies, I can sympathize. When I was 19, I couldn't stand being on the same planet as my mother because of her depression. I was so angry because I didn't understand why she couldn't act rationally and it seemed like she was just an evil person. (At least when doors were closed and the outside world couldn't see what was going on.) I also had institution-worthy crazy step-parents to contend with and I think the most frustrating thing for me was being forced to "ignore" crazy behavior without calling it out. Eventually, I began to realize that they were suffering from mental illness and they couldn't always help what they said or did. My suggestion is to concentrate on your studies, try and get "grown" despite your family's occasional inability to support you emotionally, and make the appropriate preparations to move out as soon as it is reasonable so you can enjoy a relationship with your family from the healthy distance of your own domicile. (Even a few blocks can do wonders for your family dynamics.) In the meantime, pray and hang in there.


#12

If you tell your dad that, he might just kick YOU out instead of GF, because YOU are not sharing his bed and she is.

I'm 100 percent positive that would never happen; honestly I don't feel deserving of my Dad-when others had deadbeats for dads in school mine has given nothing but unconditional love. My Mom and Dad's top priority has always been that I graduate college and they both maintain a strong friendship despite being divorced and in my mom's case remarried. Plus their relationship seems like a pair of senior citizens as roommates, they most of the time sleep in separate beds due to her snoring and not to mention she's in her mid fifties while my dad is forty six; while this cohabitation is probably still a sin I can't be accusing of anything as Lust is the last thing their relationship is about.

Any possibility of a dorm room on campus? Or sharing an apartment off campus with some friends?

Out of the question. All the options are too expensive and I've yet to make a friend that I talk to outside of the classroom or class group sessions.

No! No! No! You are not a failure, and I certainly wouldn't say you were "so coddled". You are in a very difficult situation. And here's my advice, take it or leave it, it's your choice:

Looking over it, I can't help but feel as if I am distressing over nothing at all...


#13

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:12, topic:253407"]
I'm 100 percent positive that would never happen; honestly I don't feel deserving of my Dad-when others had deadbeats for dads in school mine has given nothing but unconditional love. My Mom and Dad's top priority has always been that I graduate college and they both maintain a strong friendship despite being divorced and in my mom's case remarried. Plus their relationship seems like a pair of senior citizens as roommates, they most of the time sleep in separate beds due to her snoring and not to mention she's in her mid fifties while my dad is forty six; while this cohabitation is probably still a sin I can't be accusing of anything as Lust is the last thing their relationship is about.

Out of the question. All the options are too expensive and I've yet to make a friend that I talk to outside of the classroom or class group sessions.

Looking over it, I can't help but feel as if I am distressing over nothing at all...

[/quote]

Well then Flavius, pray the rosary. It always and I do mean ALWAYS helps me. And use your ipod when you have to. And smile. And look forward to the rest of your happy Catholic life!


#14

If you're as unhappy as you say you are, perhaps burying yourself in your studies is the way to go. Just stay away from her. Be polite and pick up after yourself. And just remove yourself from the situtation. Honestly, I would have let your dad handle it, and gone in my room and studied. Since the two of you were in that situation, just let him handle her. She's his problem, not yours. Do you think that would work for you? or is she seeking you out and in your face?

Thus far it has, all the arguments always go to him and solely him. They talk quiet enough that I know I'm not suppose to be hearing, but the house makes it impossible not to from the desk I work at. As I said it's mostly the guilt that I was at fault for my dad having to get into an argument.

Edit: That being said I understand your point and agree with it.


#15

i agree about finishing school no matter what.Get some ear plugs and try and smile nicely.You;ll never make the woman happy .I know because I watched my friend tolerate an identical situation.Just keep the thought "This too shall pass"Take your books outside if you have garden or just close your door and tune her out.Life isn't always a bowl of cherries but you have to go through this trial to get your education so white knickle it out ,it will be worth it


#16

Some times you've just got to let things glide off you like water off a ducks back. You live with your dad. Unless you can find some other place to go, you've got to just try to not let it bother you. If you let it get to you, it's only going to get worse.


#17

[quote="Rence, post:7, topic:253407"]
No! No! No! You are not a failure, and I certainly wouldn't say you were "so coddled". You are in a very difficult situation. And here's my advice, take it or leave it, it's your choice:

FINISH SCHOOL! And I don't care how you do it. If you have to live with your dad and his GF, then do it. You have your whole life ahead of you. The economy is the pits. By getting your education, you will enable yourself to live on your own, and on your own terms. Your father's situation is not your sin and it's not your responsibilty to parent your parent. Living there in order to get through school is not agreeing with his lifestyle and his choices. When you graduate you will find a job, and will be out on your own, and you will continue to be a living example of your faith. Study hard and get through it.

I would challenge someone who says you have to move from there, to offer you lodging and food as you are getting at home, so that you can graduate.

[/quote]

You are soooo right Rence - if you have to just think of it as some one you have to endure until you finish college and get out on your own. You've proven you're not a nobody by getting into college and trying to work through this - you can do it! And I bet you'll be so much stronger for it too - but don't forget to ask God for some help with the situation - not only for you but for the GF and your Dad. More things are brought about by prayer than we could ever imagine. I forget that a lot and have to be reminded.
God Bless
Rye


#18

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:5, topic:253407"]

19, I suppose that makes me a failure at life for being so coddled that I'd probably die in the streets before I could situate living alone while going to college. I really am a total failure, I still can't drive and couldn't survive on my own to save my life...

[/quote]

Stop right there young man. You are not a failure. OK? You live in a culture in which people praise independence above other things and the promoted ideal is to make it on your own the moment you leave home. Well, the reality is a bit different. I don't know any 19 year old full time student who could do that. Give yourself a break. We all need help and support at some point in our lives. That is not a sin and does not make us a failure.

Any chance of you living on the campus? Or sharing an apartment with a few people? Perhaps you could talk to your dad and discuss this living situation that is obviously difficult for everybody. He might be happy to help you out on this one.

But whatever happens please always keep in mind that his gf's depression is not your fault and that she is taking it out on you. How very convenient to have someone to blame. It will be better once you're out of there.


#19

I also agree with finishing college no matter what.

If you learn how to navigate these waters now, then when all is said and done, you'll emerge a better man with great coping skills that will be a huge bonus to your future.

God bless!


#20

Praying that you can do well at your studies and be able to get through all the unfair criticism without allowing it to grind you down.


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