This is actually hard for me to write, because generally I don’t like to air my flaws. I was hoping maybe someone else here has experience with this and can give some advice.
My problem is I am riddled with anxiety. I have been my whole life. In my childhood, my mother was so unstable. She was on drugs, was very immoral, and we lived regulary with her different boyfriends that she met at the “dance club” where she worked. The state would take us away and put us with our father for awhile, which was great, but she always got us back by cleaning up for a while.
After college I became a paramedic, which only excerbated my problems. After three years, I got into a much better profession before marrying my husband and staying at home. I have two children thus far, a two year old and a five month old.
At night I can’t sleep. I am plagued by fears of being robbed and murdered. Two nights ago my son opned our bedroom door in the middle of the night, I bolted awake, convinced we were about to be killed, and screamed. I didn’t mean to, it was so automatic.
I see things in my imagination before they even happen. My son slipping out the door, running into the road, being hit, I running after him and picking up his limp body and screaming. I immediately squash these thoughts and try not to entertain them. If my husband is late from work, it isn’t due to traffic or a delay at work, it is because he was involved in a horrific car accident.
In fact,before we married, I told him I could not and woud not accept him swimming in ocean water or ever riding a motorcycle, as the mechinism of injury was too devasting. I don’t think, considering what I have seen, that I am being unreasonable. These things do happen. I am not too special as to it won’t be my family making national news for tragedy.
I try to surrender what I can to dear Christ on the Cross. But I am tired. I have not slept through the night in years. I am afraid this frequent release of adrenaline will have cardiovascular effects. I don’t know what to do about it. This anxiety is the result of years of psychological trauma, not psychogenic in itself. Would medication help? Is this abnormal?
I hope I covered everything. Sorry for the long post. I tried to nutshell it while maintaining the integrity of the situation.