Hi. This is my first post on this forum. Im back to Christ and Catholic faith after spending most of my life as atheist (early teens to 26 yo.). A girl which Im in realtionship with made me "convert myself", because i saw supernatural signs in her life during the time i spend with her (she was allways very religious and she graduated theology on the catholic university), and heard about other signs form the hsitory of her family. But this is not what i want to focus on. My problem is my sexuality. I know the topic of masturbation is a common thing but there is something deepr about it in my life.
I was masturbating since i was 12 and sometimes it was 3-5 times a day, it was like discovering a new "toy". Even when i was after 20s i kept doing this even when i had relationships with regular sex life. But there was soemthing more, since i was 7 yo. i was getting aroused by thinking about some sadistic things. It started from need to tie things, myself or somebody and this made me feel pleased even when i had no idea that it was sexual yet. This started to develop further. In my 20s i watched lot of BDSM pornography and had lot of sexually sadistic comics on my PC ( which are gone now). There was never need in me to hurt someoneo to make somebody suffer in real life. But i must say that when girl liked this kind of stuff i started to focusing on this so much that it absorbed most of my sexual needs. In latest relationships many times i had to use viagra to have normal sex...the girl im in relationship with, doesn.t know about this.
When i finally felt it and discovered that God is real i start to feel joy and was totally absorbed in searching in Bible, catholic theology and so on. I was happy tu have my first real confession in this millenium. It was in Thursday. Today i participated inEucharist for the first time. I was able to stop it, dont masturbate, dont watch pornography and so on. But there is one more thing. The things that are going in my mind wont stop. Despite the confession i felt unworthy and like a nobody. I was trying to convince myself that after this sincere confession, i will be pure..but the thoughts are attacking me all the time, it was like thousands of times between my confession and receiving the Eucharist. I tired to get rid of them instantly everytime but... I dont know if im able or worthy to receive it at all...i cant recall if i have ever felt so dirty and miserable in my life :( what steps should i take to overcome this?? Sorry for my English.