Problem with sexuality :(


#1

Hi. This is my first post on this forum. Im back to Christ and Catholic faith after spending most of my life as atheist (early teens to 26 yo.). A girl which Im in realtionship with made me "convert myself", because i saw supernatural signs in her life during the time i spend with her (she was allways very religious and she graduated theology on the catholic university), and heard about other signs form the hsitory of her family. But this is not what i want to focus on. My problem is my sexuality. I know the topic of masturbation is a common thing but there is something deepr about it in my life.

I was masturbating since i was 12 and sometimes it was 3-5 times a day, it was like discovering a new "toy". Even when i was after 20s i kept doing this even when i had relationships with regular sex life. But there was soemthing more, since i was 7 yo. i was getting aroused by thinking about some sadistic things. It started from need to tie things, myself or somebody and this made me feel pleased even when i had no idea that it was sexual yet. This started to develop further. In my 20s i watched lot of BDSM pornography and had lot of sexually sadistic comics on my PC ( which are gone now). There was never need in me to hurt someoneo to make somebody suffer in real life. But i must say that when girl liked this kind of stuff i started to focusing on this so much that it absorbed most of my sexual needs. In latest relationships many times i had to use viagra to have normal sex...the girl im in relationship with, doesn.t know about this.

When i finally felt it and discovered that God is real i start to feel joy and was totally absorbed in searching in Bible, catholic theology and so on. I was happy tu have my first real confession in this millenium. It was in Thursday. Today i participated inEucharist for the first time. I was able to stop it, dont masturbate, dont watch pornography and so on. But there is one more thing. The things that are going in my mind wont stop. Despite the confession i felt unworthy and like a nobody. I was trying to convince myself that after this sincere confession, i will be pure..but the thoughts are attacking me all the time, it was like thousands of times between my confession and receiving the Eucharist. I tired to get rid of them instantly everytime but... I dont know if im able or worthy to receive it at all...i cant recall if i have ever felt so dirty and miserable in my life :( what steps should i take to overcome this?? Sorry for my English.


#2

CHAPTER 13 – On Resisting Temptations [The Imitation of Christ]

So long as we live in this world, we cannot remain without trial and temptation: as Job says, “Man's life on earth is a warfare.” We must therefore be on guard against temptations, and watchful in prayer, that the Devil find no means of deceiving us; for he never rests, but prowls around seeking whom he may devour. No one is so perfect and holy that he is never tempted, and we can never be secure from temptation.

Although temptations are so troublesome and grievous, yet they are often profitable to us, for by them we are humbled, cleansed, and instructed. All the Saints endured many trials and temptations, and profited by them; but those who could not resist temptations became reprobate, and fell away. There is no Order so holy, nor place so secluded, where there are no troubles and temptations.

No man can be entirely free from temptation so long as he lives; for the source of temptation lies within our own nature, since we are born with an inclination towards evil. When one temptation or trial draws to a close, another takes its place; and we shall always have something to fight, for man has lost the blessing of original happiness. Many try to escape temptations, only to encounter them more fiercely, for no one can win victory by flight alone; it is only by patience and true humility that we can grow stronger than all our foes.

The man who only avoids the outward occasions of evil, but fails to uproot it in himself, will gain little advantage. Indeed, temptations will return upon him the sooner, and he will find himself in a worse state than before. Little by little and by patient endurance you will overcome them by God's help, better than by your own violence and importunity. Seek regular advice in temptation, and never deal harshly with those who are tempted, but give them such encouragement as you would value yourself.

The beginning of all evil temptation is an unstable mind and lack of trust in God. Just as a ship without a helm is driven to and fro by the waves, so a careless man, who abandons his proper course, is tempted in countless ways. Fire tempers steel, and temptation the just man. We often do not know what we can bear, but temptation reveals our true nature. We need especially to be on our guard at the very onset of temptation, for then the Enemy may be more easily overcome, if he is not allowed to enter the gates of the mind: he must be repulsed at the threshold, as soon as he knocks. Thus the poet Ovid writes, “Resist at the beginning; the remedy may come too late.” For first there comes into the mind an evil thought: next, a vivid picture: then delight, and urge to evil, and finally consent. In this way the Enemy gradually gains complete mastery, when he is not resisted at first. And the longer a slothful man delays resistance, the weaker he becomes, and the stronger his enemy grows against him.

Some people undergo their heaviest temptations at the beginning of their conversion; some towards the end of their course; others are greatly troubled all their lives; while there are some whose temptations are but light. This is in accordance with the wisdom and justice of God's ordinance, who weighs the condition and merits of every man, and disposes all things for the salvation of those whom He chooses.

We must not despair, therefore, when we are tempted, but earnestly pray God to grant us his help in every need. For, as Saint Paul says, “With the temptation, God will provide a way to overcome it, that we may be able to bear bear it.” So, let us humble ourselves under the hand of God, in every trial and trouble, for He will save and raise up the humble in Spirit. In all these trials, our progress is tested; in them great merit may be secured, and our virtue become evident. It is no great matter if we are devout and fervent when we have no troubles; but if we show patience in adversity, we can make great progress in virtue. Some are spared severe temptations, but are overcome in the lesser ones of every day, in order that they may be humble, and learn not to trust in themselves, but to recognize their frailty.


#3

I see. Yes i fully understand that there is no person without tempation...and so it applies to me as well :( but...Im a very stubborn person and i denied my "whole sexuality" in one day a week ago so aggresively..that this "need" is hardly bearable. I didnt make myself any time to overcome this. I just cut it off completely in one second. I felt like it made all this thoughts and needs more powerful than ever :( I dont want to dissapoint God's faith in me :( yet it sometime feels like a hopeless battle.


#4

Were you, perhaps, depressed when this started? I think, and this is just my personal opinion, that there might be a deeper problem here. You may be “addicted” to this for a variety of reaons. One being a feeling of needing of some control in your life. Especially since it started at such an early age. Talk with a doctor, and get a referral to see a therapist. I’m just making a guess here, so if I’m wrong, I apologize.


#5

Thx for replying. When i was 7 yo and this "need" appeared for the first time, i had a very happy life!!!. It went bad in early teens, because of bullying. It can be something realted to this but it still doesnt explain why this appeared when i was7 yo and was developed during my sexual maturation :(


#6

Please know that God never intended for your sexuality to be shameful. However, I understand that impure thoughts are invading your mind right now and it is making you feel like a horrible sinner. We’re all sinners and have things that we struggle with from time to time. My advice to you would be to redirect your thoughts (perhaps through prayer) when you find yourself thinking about impure desires/thoughts. Easier said than done, I know. Just try it. Also, find things you enjoy doing like a sport or even hanging out with friends and you’ll find that those thoughts won’t be as pervasive. Seriously, go watch a movie (one without impure content) or go bowling or whatever it is that you like. Give it a try. :)


#7

First of all, welcome home!

I think it's normal that you have an interest in BDSM and I'm pretty sure that there are hundreds of people out there who do kinky or freaky stuff in the bedroom. As long as the partner willingly and voluntarily gives their consent and that there is no physical, intentional harm involved, I think it's okay to engage in those activities. However, you need to remember that you must observe the virtue of chastity and can engage in sexual intercourse once you're married.

Maybe it did get bad in your early teens because of the bullying you experienced in the past (I'm sorry you went through that. I too was bullied and I know how horrible it can be. Keep praying and present your sorrows to Christ. He will give you comfort and help you to move on). I think that since you were bullied, you probably still harbor some negative feelings towards the bullies and you might want to seek vengeance against them. So, with all that anger and pain, you're maybe taking it out on your BDSM partner (but not in a harmful or violent manner). This could be a form of compensation.

You're probably having those thoughts after confession because the Evil One is attacking you. You just repaired your relationship with God and the Devil will do anything to pull you away from Christ. He'll make you have impure or negative thoughts, tempt you, and make you experience horrible feelings (believe me, I've felt that too). Just keep praying the rosary, go to Eucharistic Adoration, or read the Bible. If you do fall into sin, don't give up. Go to confession. God's mercy, love, and forgiveness are unlimited.

Praying for you!


#8

I suggest reading the saints.

"A fox pretends to be asleep; the body and the demons pretend to be chaste. The former is on the watch to seize a bird, the latter to catch a soul. So as long as you live, never trust that clay of which you are made and never depend on it until the time you stand before Christ Himself. And never imagine that abstinence will keep you from falling. It was a being who never ate that was nevertheless thrown out of heaven."
St. John Climacus


#9

The good news is that you are making the right moves. Removing porn from your life is a good step. It's hard to resist especially when you like it.

Liking it. That's the problem. I can identify. I started looking at porn when I was very young also. I didn't throw it away in disgust. I'm 39. I haven't looked at porn or had sex in years. Life is better but I still do indulge in masturbation. I go long periods without it and then one day I'll do it. You know what I realized? I still fantasize about the same kinds of things. The characteristic of my fantasies involve women that are having uncommitted sex with me. As a contrast, I never fantasize about being married to a woman and having sex with her. I never fantasize about having a family. I think that's significant.

Here's what I think it means. I'm a fornicator. I don't do it in the flesh anymore but I still do it in the heart. That's my character. Here is what I think I have to do. Accept the truth about myself. Accept the humility I feel because of the truth. Accept the Lord's mercy. Desire a change of heart. I can't tell you if that's enough to effect real change. I can't say for certain if my desire to have a different character is strong enough. I don't know what Jesus can do. I don't know if Jesus can do anything about it. It's my heart.

I wish you well though. If you figure anything out, let me know.


#10

This is exactly what im trying to do right now :slight_smile: Turn my mind to other nice activities that makes me happy, and of course i pray all time for this :slight_smile:

Thank your for your support :slight_smile: This was really a nice idea to join this forum :slight_smile: So many nice and not judgemental people here that i feel stronger just by reading words like this :slight_smile:

[quote=JamesATyler10561724]The good news is that you are making the right moves. Removing porn from your life is a good step. It’s hard to resist especially when you like it.

Liking it. That’s the problem. I can identify. I started looking at porn when I was very young also. I didn’t throw it away in disgust. I’m 39. I haven’t looked at porn or had sex in years. Life is better but I still do indulge in masturbation. I go long periods without it and then one day I’ll do it. You know what I realized? I still fantasize about the same kinds of things. The characteristic of my fantasies involve women that are having uncommitted sex with me. As a contrast, I never fantasize about being married to a woman and having sex with her. I never fantasize about having a family. I think that’s significant.

Here’s what I think it means. I’m a fornicator. I don’t do it in the flesh anymore but I still do it in the heart. That’s my character. Here is what I think I have to do. Accept the truth about myself. Accept the humility I feel because of the truth. Accept the Lord’s mercy. Desire a change of heart. I can’t tell you if that’s enough to effect real change. I can’t say for certain if my desire to have a different character is strong enough. I don’t know what Jesus can do. I don’t know if Jesus can do anything about it. It’s my heart.

I wish you well though. If you figure anything out, let me know.
[/quote]

Yes. I guess the best way for people with problems like mine or yours is just accepting your own temptations like a cross that we have to bear through life. Im sure God loves us despite all of our failures and that he is happy seeing us resist and trying hard to change a little at least:) And i have hope that one day we will be finally free of this, even when ocassional thoughts will still remain :slight_smile:


#11

[quote="SomeLostDude, post:10, topic:321060"]
This is exactly what im trying to do right now :) Turn my mind to other nice activities that makes me happy, and of course i pray all time for this :)

Thank your for your support :) This was really a nice idea to join this forum :) So many nice and not judgemental people here that i feel stronger just by reading words like this :)

Yes. I guess the best way for people with problems like mine or yours is just accepting your own temptations like a cross that we have to bear through life. Im sure God loves us despite all of our failures and that he is happy seeing us resist and trying hard to change a little at least:) And i have hope that one day we will be finally free of this, even when ocassional thoughts will still remain :)

[/quote]

Maybe even those occasional thoughts won't remain. :)


closed #12

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