Problem with wife talking to another man


#1

I am seriously stressed about this situation and would appreciate any advice. My wife and I have been going through a rough patch (really rough actually) in the last month or so. Things are starting to get better but I still have one big issue. During this time she has been talking to a guy friend from high school (started talking to him 4 days before she told me she wasn’t happy and may want to leave). A couple times she told me she wanted to go see him (he lives 1000 miles away) and I said absolutely not. But, she continues to talk to him daily and has admitted to “harmless flirting”, which I suspect was worse than she admits. I told her it was inappropriate and disrespectful to me for her to be talking to another man like that regardless of how innocent it is. She insists they are just friends. While that may be the case, I really believe she has or has had some romantic feelings for him. The problem is things have been better for us the last week or so but I just sense that there is still a part of her hanging on to him and until she lets that go she will not come back to me 100%. I want to confront her about it but last time I did we had a huge fight and I don’t want to rock the boat right now since things are getting better. So…

  1. Do you think it is wrong for her to be talking to another man like this (every day) even if it is totally innocent?

  2. How do you suggest I broach the subject without creating WWIII again?

These are probably simple questions but my mind is a mess right now from all of this so any help is appreciated. Thanks.


#2
  1. How do you suggest I broach the subject without creating WWIII again? .

You probably can’t. It will create a problem (to her), but too bad. As someone recovering from years of avoidance, I’d say just deal wtih it head on. Dancing around doesn’t help. —KCT


#3

The part in bold above is what struck me the most. Your relationship with your wife depends upon some other man? :nope: She is your wife. While I agree that it is okay to have friends of the opposite sex, talking every day and “harmless” flirting :tsktsk: What is harmless flirting? I submit that there is no such thing as “harmless” flirting.

I think that I have answered your first question, now for the second question, I suggest that you talk about it, but do not use any “I” statements. Do not say “it hurts me when you talk to this guy.” “I am hurt by this.” etc, etc, etc. Focus it on your marriage and the two of you, not just you. This is not a one way street. If she needs someone to “talk to” then I suggest a priest a nun or a therpist that can be an objective third party. This “guy” will just tell her what she wants to hear and you cannot know his true intentions.

Communication is key.


#4

Well, I’ve never really been in a situation like that (well, not very closely similar, let’s say) or had it with friends, but from I’ve seen, I can say yeah, it’s possible for harmless flirting to exist (let’s say if it’s just compliments or something like, “well, you’re out of luck, I’m already taken”), but most of the time it’s not really harmless. It can’t really be harmless when it’s obsessive and, while I don’t want to judge and I certainly would hate to misjudge the situation, it seems to me that your wife may have some obsession with him and she isn’t as much in control of the situation as she thinks.

I would say going 1000 miles for a woman to see a man is extreme and this also when there is some “harmless flirting” and other signs of attraction. I would worry about what the feelings really are, if I were your wife.

I don’t know what you could do in this situation, since you don’t have the full information (and I have even less), but you had better be calm and reasonable, I think. It’s a problem that she doesn’t want to talk to you about it, it’s a problem she reacts aggressively to your interference, it’s a problem she at all reacts so strongly to the whole thing. She needs to calm down and remind herself of her priorities, although I do not know how to achieve this in her current state.


#5

If he is a real friend, he would want to meet you! She should be happy to have you sit there and chat on line or on the phone with the two of them. Tell her that you want to meet her friend. If she balks, then, you pretty much have your answer.


#6

Please attend a Retrouvaille weekend with your wife as soon as possible. They will teach you a way to discuss this with your wife without causing world war III. There is not a siminar or a retreat. There is no group sharing -all communication between couples is private. Please do this for your marriage.

retrouvaille.org/


#7
  1. Yes. IMO it is wrong. What could she possibly be talking to him about long distance EVERYDAY? You say it is innocent, while admitting that your wife says it’s “harmeless flirting?” It sounds like something else to me. How did this guy come into her life, living 1,000 miles away? How would she feel if the shoe were on the other foot & you started calling a woman from your past EVERYDAY?
  2. How would I handle it? Well you have already told her how you feel about it and she has thumbed her nose at you. You are obviously afraid of “rocking the boat”, which would mean loosing her? I see two choices here. Live with it :nope: , or talk to her about it again, opening up to her & telling you why this is hurting you & how it is damaging your marriage. Find out what exactly is going on with her and if she wants to save her marriage, she will be open to the idea of counseling, which is what I would do if I were in your shoes. I could not put up with that type of behavior from my spouse. I hope everything works out for you. God Bless.:slight_smile:

#8

As most of the other posters have said, the answer to question 1 is yes, I think this is wrong.

It is hard to give any advice on what to do in this situation with so little information. I don’t know what your wife is thinking, use of contraception, or the way she looks at your marriage. What I will say is pray and fast for the situation to get better, and talk to a “good” priest about this. What I mean by good is one that conforms to the teaching of the Church and cares for his flock.


#9

The problem is things have been better for us the last week or so but I just sense that there is still a part of her hanging on to him and until she lets that go she will not come back to me 100%. I want to confront her about it but last time I did we had a huge fight and I don’t want to rock the boat right now since things are getting better.

No, things really aren’t better for you. You feel your wife is slipping into another man’s orbit, and when you try to bring up your very valid feelings, she makes it a fight and so you have to keep quiet about her long-distance crush to keep a false peace.

You don’t tell us how old y’all are. Is it about 4 years into the marriage and she is immature and disillusioned, so her fantasy from high school starts looking real good? And that’s really what it is. A fantasy. I’m sure he leaves his socks on the floor, and wet towels draped over a chair. You can’t tell stuff like that over the phone. I’ve seen women like this, where their on-line or phone “flirtation” takes over their whole emotional life.

And taking them out to dinner doesn’t work, because they’ll spend the evening checking their text messages and going to the ladies’ room to talk privately.

She’s entering an emotional affair. She may insist on seeing him and travelling 1000 miles. Ask if you can go. But I suspect three would be a crowd.

You might want to give him a call and let him know his constant flirtation with your wife is causing problems. Ask if he wants her full time. He may be unaware he’s becoming the object of a woman’s fantasy life. Or he may know exactly what he’s doing. He may think it’s just friendship and not realize she’s becoming obsessed.

Once the truth is out in the open, then you’ll know what you’re really dealing with. Good luck.

Poor woman. Some don’t know what they have until they go running after someone else and lose it all.


#10

I second the Retrouvaille weekend.

There is nothing harmless in what she is doing but I think you already know that.

I might add that you and she should see your priest immediately.


#11

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. That’s pretty much what I thought I would read.

We have been married for 11 years and have two little girls. I really believe this is her acting like a teenager and not being real with herself.

Several of you have suggested retrouvaille. The funny thing is we have been invovled in marriage encounter for the last few years and we are even a presenting couple for the weekends!! One of my ME friends suggested retrouvaille also so I will probably suggest that.

Please pray for us and our marriage. Many have been praying for us already and I believe it is helping. also please pray for this other guy that he see what problems he is causing and that he do the right thing.

Thanks again everyone.


#12

Okay, now I’m mad. At her. :mad:

She only knows this guy by who he used to be. She’s kindling a spark into a flame that could become a fire that could burn her daughters out of house and home. And she is bringing a stray man into her young daughter’s lives? (Is that her hope?)

Kids are smarter than you think. And they see and hear more than one gives them credit. Someday she may be shocked to hear one of your daughters comment that mommy is on the phone with her boyfriend. Out of the mouths of babes…

Is this the kind of example she intends to mirror for her daughters?

It’s time to pull out your highschool yearbook and ask your wife to help you pick out an old “friend” so you can have this too. Because she seems to have forgotten that she is to forsake all others.

And a man who would increase contacts with a married woman who has small children and not be sure the husband is part of the “friendship” probably bears close watching.

Does she plan to leave you with the young children while she goes off and meets him 1000 miles away?

I would suggest that you sit down with her and tell her that in view of things, it is completely hypocritical for her to be part of a presenting couple for any marriage encounters, and that considering the huge problems your marriage has, you all are in no shape to tell other people how to make a holy marriage.

The shock of that alone might make her think. Please keep us posted.


#13

I agree 100%. The problem is she does not see it as a problem. She thinks it is totally innocent. And yes, she wanted to leave me with the kids while she went off to see him. Of course, she assured me nothing will happen (yeah, right). But, that’s not an issue anymore as she has agreed not to go. My problem is getting her to see that it is inappropriate for a married woman to have this type of relationship with another man. I mean, the guy sends her text messages in 8:00 in the morning. to her its all harmless and they’re “just friends.” I will keep you posted.

Man, I do not deserve this!!

P.S. We just found out she is pregnant with baby #3.


#14

Oh, one other thing. I would love to be able to pull out my high school yearbook to pick a friend to start talking to but I went to an all boys Catholic school from 5th - 12th grade!! :slight_smile:


#15

some women and men have to talk to the other sex when it comes to a job. or a doctor, or lawyer or whatever. so long as it is not flirtation, and she remains loyal to you and the vows you took before God then there is nothing wrong with her speaking to another man. so long as she does not over step her boundaries with this man, and they remain friends and that is all, then why would it be wrong for her to be friends with him?

you need to speak to a priest before you speak to her. talk to him and tell him how you feel. but you should also be honest and charitable and gentle when you speak with your wife. perhaps the priest can suggest marital counseling for you both.

perhaps your wife has a female friend she can confide in? someone she can or is close to? i don’t know what to suggest other than you speaking to your priest. perhaps you can suggest that both of you speak to the priest?

always treat your wife gently as this can avoid fights. confrontation is not a good idea. respectful talk and saying respectfully, honey i need a moment of your time as we need to speak about this and that. don’t get mad when you talk even if she wants to argue. if you want to argue or she does, stop the conversation right there. it wont do either of you any good. just take time out and state to her that we need to talk but we will do this when we can not be argumentative with each other.


#16

Does your wife see that doing this is hurting you? I would be surprised if she wanted to continue knowing that it is really hurting the man she loves.


#17

Yes, I have told her how I feel about it. That’s what makes it even worse. She doesn’t seem to care about the effect on me. She says that is my problem to deal with.


#18

Congratulations on the third pregnancy. I agree with TraditionalCath. This is not about getting even with your wife. It is about saving something that apparently is very special and dear to you. The issue is to convince your wife that your marriage is special and dear, and what she is doing makes it seem like she does not view the marriage the same way.


#19

I agree 100%. The problem is she does not see it as a problem. She thinks it is totally innocent. And yes, she wanted to leave me with the kids while she went off to see him. Of course, she assured me nothing will happen (yeah, right). But, that’s not an issue anymore as she has agreed not to go. My problem is getting her to see that it is inappropriate for a married woman to have this type of relationship with another man. I mean, the guy sends her text messages in 8:00 in the morning. to her its all harmless and they’re “just friends.”

As a woman, all I can say is this is pure nonsense! (I have a better word, but I can’t say it here.) No way she could convince a room full of married women that she is deluding anyone but herself. At 0800 she needs to be feeding her kids and attending to her own household, not reaching out and touching her new “friend.” This is how stuff blows up into full-blown affairs. If she’s texting anyone at that hour, it should be her own husband, telling him he’s a sexy beast.

Whatever the void in her life, she is filling it with betrayal.

But congratulations on the new baby. Maybe that reality will knock some sense back into her, and scare away the interloper.


#20

Sorry, I posted before seeing this. You and your wife need to seek professional help on this. I here, just as other posters have mentioned, that Retrouvaille is pretty good.


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