I have a problem that I am hoping to get advice on. I don’t think I am alone on this one, but I have been married over 14 years, and well, my sex life is horrible!! I can count on one hand how many times I have sex in any given month, and my wife has no interest in it at all. It makes me question her attractiveness to me, and I don’t think I should have to constantly ask for it either, only to be shot down. It is a very troubling issue for me.
Did you ask your wife why? Our bodies are constantly doing something…has this just started, or been going on for a while?
This has been going on for a long time. Yes she goes through her bad days, but she has told me “On top ten of things to do today, you are not one of them.” She says this joking, but it is truthful. Making love is no where on her radar, and she is very content with having no sex.
Well I must say that us women are not always jumping up and down to have sex…hmm…but that doesn’t mean our husbands should be begging us for it…as we grow older we run out of hormones, also known as menopause…which causes less of a sex drive…did you maybe talk about counseling?
This is very sad for you. I am sorry that your wife is so insensitive to your needs.
Have you suggested counseling?
You should really seek counseling as soon as possible. Once you begin to resent her it may lead to other things that will complicate matters. A counselor will be able to assess the situation without bias and guide you and her if she chooses to go. You are in my prayers…teachccd
In a few short words you have raised many important and interrelated issues. It IS a troubling issue, and I can’t tell you I have any kind of answer. That she has no interest at all, and never seeks you out must cause you a lot of pain. There are lots of things that could be going on. I’d do my best to investigate them in your shoes. Wait and see how she responds as you investigate what is going on.
I wish I had the magic answer because, if I did, I would apply it to our own situation, which is similar. At least it had been. I will say that things have gotten much better since we stopped using contraception earlier on and I got away from pornography. I don’t know if either are a part of your life, but if so, they need to go.
I will say that the flippant attitude on your wife’s part is unnecessary and hurtful, and echo those who have suggested counseling. Even if you can’t afford someone who specializes in such, perhaps a priest or deacon in your parish. If nothing else it will allow a third party to open up dialogue in a productive way.
My wife never turns down sex, but she doesn’t express an interest in it, per se. And never initiates. We’ve found ways to open up the communication, though, to the degree that we more frequently come together. Part of that communication has been open discussions about the importance of the marital embrace in our theology. It’s helped me to perceive it as something more than just a thrill and for her to perceive it as more than dirty.
If you don’t go the counseling route, you might consider asking her if you can read Theology of the Body for Beginners together.
There’s more I could say, but perhaps not in a public forum, but feel free to pm me.
This used to be a sore spot in my marriage…before I realized the connection that sex has, to our Catholic faith. I read Love & Responsibility a few years ago, a book written by Pope JP2, and it changed the way I viewed sex. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy sex, but I think I didn’t understand that it’s a bonding between a husband and wife…I would always view it as another thing to do, and why did he want to so much, etc…I think that your wife would be surprised to see Pope JP2’s thoughts on the subject, it’s a very detailed book. Sex is a display of love without words in a marriage, and it’s very important for men (sometimes more than women in this regard) to feel loved in this way. Men get a bad rap in this country especially, for being dogs, and just wanting women for one thing. Perhaps, some men are like that, but it is perfectly normal and healthy for a married man to ‘want’ his wife…not lustfully, but want to bond with her, and feel like she is atttracted to him.
If I might add too, it’s important to romance your wife…not saying you’re not, but just asking for sex isn’t a great way to get her in the mood. She sounds like she is tired, has a lot on her plate, like many of us, so maybe draw a nice bath…read a book together…go on a picnic…get a bottle of wine, and watch the stars together, and just reeeelax and talk. An entirely different mood will be set, and you might find yourself not having to ask. I I think that you both should consider reading Love & Responsibilty together, too…it really changed my attitude on the subject. You’re in my prayers…good luck to you both.
i would also say that the first time u do all these things, dont go grabbing for her… be patient and she will make the first move… and if she doesnt, continue to do these things so that she does not feel that u r after only one thing and do want her on other levels as well…
God bless ur marriage
As a woman, I would recommend a few evenings in bed giving “free” back and body rubs to your wife…with No Expectations. Rubbing her body and loving her as a woman. Helping your wife to feel valued, beautiful and romanced without expecting sex as a result might go a long way toward helping her to want you back. Woman love to feel romanced… like the women in fairy tales. Sex, is not the same thing.
You probably know all this, but I think it would help.
in addition to the other suggestions for romancing her…find out what IS on that top ten list and see what you can help her accomplish. you’d be amazed at what taking over some of the home chores can do for your sex life (just make SURE you do your best to do it HER way…or she’ll feel like she has to redo it and you’ll be back to square one!)
I agree ask her what her top ten is? Find out why you aren’t on the list. How many children do you have? Are you all practicing NFP? If not, you have your answer…she is afraid of becoming pregnant again.
You need to seek help in this matter. After 27 yrs of marriage…I’m always ready . It has never been an issue. Although, I will admit…if I hadn’t had a hysterectomy at 31…I might not be so interested. Very few will tell you the real truth as this is the reason most women in their late 30’s, early 40’s stop having sex, they don’t want anymore children.
You need to get the cards out on the table…and find out her reason. But don’t be surprised and shocked at the answer.
Could it possibly be a medical condition? Is she taking any kind of medication? Sometimes a side effect of various prescription drugs is a decreased sex drive. It could also be a hormonal imbalance.
I would also suggest romancing her without any expectations of what she will do in return. Romance her just because you love her. Just because there is no sex, does not mean there should be no romance or no intimacy. Maybe when non-sexual intimacy is there, it will open up doors for sexual intimacy.
But first and foremost, don’t rule out a medical condition. There are many things that could lead to a decreased sex drive.
Did you ever think of helping her with her To-Do list?
Maybe (probably) she is tired & stressed & busy. A tired, stressed woman doesn’t feel very “in the mood”.
“So shouldn’t she have sex anyway, because she loves me?”
Maybe she feels she is doing more than her share of the housework, or raising the kids, or paying the bills, or whatever. An overworked woman doesn’t feel very “generous or giving”.
What time do you all go to sleep, maybe she is just exhausted.
Why don’t you try to get her to take a long relaxing bath at around 8pm. What ever she is doing, promise that you will do it for her (and do it to the best of your ability without complaining or seeking thanks). Then go to bed together at 9pm.
I bet you that works wonders.
Get her The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She is neglecting you, putting other things above you, and admits it to your face.
Be warned that she may refuse to read it. Some women just are not interested in taking care of their husbands. Yes, she may have a hormonal problem, but women who care about their marriages do something about that when they realize it is having a negative impact.
I am not judging anyone. I said “some women” not “your wife.” Let’s be intellectually honest here and admit that there are some women so tainted by feminist thinking and selfishness that they actually think they do not have to take care of their men in any way.
Dr. Laura believes MOTHERS should be at home, not necessarily all married women. Her book is about an attitude of putting “keep my man happy” at the top of your list, no matter what else you do with your life. Women have most of the power when it comes to determining the tone of the marital relationship. Men are very simple to take care of and keep happy. Women are much more complicated, and so harder for guys to figure out. It’s not bad or good, it’s just different. And as good marriages benefit women, it benefits them to keep their men happy and make their marriages good ones.
How is it appropriate to enter into a marriage with someone, then say, well, the housework and my job are more important than taking care of you? And sex is a large part of how men get their emotional buckets filled. We women tend to be very dismissive of that, thinking guys just wanna “get some” and are animals. (More feminist taint, there.) The reality is that men feel loved and cared for, valued and attractive, primarily through sex. We fill the holes in their hearts when we show them we want them.
Have you even read Dr. Laura’s book? Or are you listening to the opinions of mainstream media and feminist hatemongers who regularly try to get her thrown off the air?
I think it is unfair for you to say that the OP’s wife is neglecting her husband by not having sex with him. We only get one side of the story here, and you have no idea what the full story is. Maybe he doesn’t treat her with love and respect, or maybe something has happened in her life that makes it difficult for her to be intimate with her husband. I’m not saying any of these things are true, but for a woman sex is so much deeper than just intercourse.
Men are connected to their emotions through sex, and women are connected to sex through their emotions. If she is not being emotionally supported and fulfilled in her marriage, she is not going to want to have sex with her husband.
Sexual intimacy is not about just doing it because your husband needs it (though I do agree that sometimes a woman may need to just love her husband enough to lay down her objections), it’s about connecting to your spouse on a physical and emotional level that you cannot normally reach. It’s about renewing your marriage covenant.
If there are underlying issues in their marriage, that could be the thing blocking her desire for sexual intimacy.
What I’m saying is, you shouldn’t be so quick to blame the wife for not having sex when you don’t know the whole story.
I will second the idea that maybe she doesn’t want to have anymore children. I am dealing with that right now in my marriage. We have been practicing NFP and had one child. My husband wasn’t ready for children when we had our surprise. He is now not willing to have sex in order to make sure we don’t have any more surprises. It is killing our relationship. I am considering condoms to welcome sex back into our relationship. This is not advice, just my experience.