Problems with future mother-in-law


#1

Lately I’ve been having a lot of problems relating to my future mother-in-law and I’m not sure what to do.

Here’s some background info:
She divorced my fiance’s father when he was still young. She later got remarried and had a second child when my fiance was 20. He ended up being an abuser so they are now separated.

For the past 3 years I’ve known my fiance, she has always had a crisis. She is constantly asking him for money and whenever she has an emotional issue she calls him. She unloads all her problems on him and he doesn’t stop her. Many times he has had to break plans with me to deal with her problems. She also hasn’t held a job and has been living off government money, food stamps, and her mother’s social security check. She has bounced from home to home, staying with friends and the last place was a trailer she bought.

When my fiance moved to another state, she followed him. She had no reason to go but she packed everything and moved the whole family across the country to be with him. She had no job prospects there, no place to live, and no car. When she got there, she stayed with a family my fiance knew when she had never met them before. When they got tired of her, my fiance paid to put her in a hotel until she could find a place to live. Mind you, he promised he wouldn’t give her money anymore because we need to save up for our wedding. He told me he wasn’t paying for her hotel but I found a receipt in the car. When I asked him he said it was only one night but he was clearly lying and eventually admitted it was for the whole week. He lied to me to give her money.

4 months after moving up there, she still has no job. She claimed she couldn’t work because she was in school (only 2 days a week) and she needed to finish school in order to find a good job. She now says she is going to quit school and work. This makes no sense. She has said to me several times that she does not want to work, she just wants a man to support her.

She does so many irresponsible things without thinking of how it is going to affect those around her. I worry that she will continue not working and will expect my fiance to support her. She will have some sort of self-made crisis and she will end up on our doorstep, expecting to move the whole family in.

The problem is my fiance is in denial. He tells me what a self-sufficient woman she is and how she wants to work and support herself. For the past 3 years she hasn’t and she has no plans to do this. He defends her no matter what and we are having the biggest fight because of it. We are on the verge of splitting and I don’t know what to do.

The other problem with her is that she is vulgar, disrespectful, very immodest, and from what I’ve seen, an ill-fit mother. She should be working to provide for her child but she chooses not to. I have seen her tie him to the table so he can’t run around because she can’t control him. She also keeps him on a leash when she takes him out in public because again, she can’t control him. He is 3 years old and can’t really speak. He sometimes acts like a dog and will come up to you and sniff and bark instead of speaking. He has even gone so far as to eat out of the dog’s bowls pretending to be the dog.

I do not want her around my children but my fiance says that if my mother can be around, his can. He also says that she raised him just fine.

I really am at a loss as to what to do. He says he won’t support her but I know if she came to our door, he wouldn’t turn her away. The other disturbing thing is that he sees no problem with her picking up and moving when he does. He is thinking about moving back to where I am and he said he didn’t see a problem if she followed him again. Can you imagine? A woman in her late 40s is picking up and moving every time her son does and he sees nothing wrong with it. He just says that she’s his mom and she loves him.

I think the lines between a son’s job and a husband’s job have blurred in both of their minds but when I bring up all these problems, he tells me I’m just insecure.

What do I do? I don’t want to end things with him but their relationship is clearly unhealthy and I can’t live with it forever.


#2

Run, don't walk, in the opposite direction.

Or marry him and live this drama 24/7 for the rest of your natural life.

The choice is yours.

Because he's not going to do what needs doing.


#3

What a miserable situation. I would honestly consider ending the relationship. Having said that, I know that if I were in your shoes and someone gave me that advice I would flip. I just can't imagine enabling someone like that. Your fiance is called to be a man of God and love you as Christ loved the Church (eph 5:25). He is called to leave his father and mother and cling to his wife (mk 10:7). I can only imagine the issues their relationship would cause in the future. I will keep you in my prayers.


#4

The sad truth of the matter is your fiancee will never see the light. It makes me wonder what issues you have they you won’t look at that causes you to stay with him.

I was in a similar situation and put all the blame on my boyfriend. It is only years later after we broke up I am able to see that I had just as much of a problem form staying with him.

Either welcome your MIL into your life with open arms or break it off. Harsh but true

CM


#5

It's not your possible MIL who is the problem, it's your fiancee. I mean, yes, she is a problem, but if he were ready to get married and leave all of his dysfunctional stuff behind, he wouldn't be all wound up in her life. It is unhealthy for you to try and set up a marriage with someone like that - usually it comes down to the wife demanding that the husband choose between her and mother, and mother wins.

Please, don't you think you deserve better than this? When you marry someone, you marry their family, trust me. Find a nicer family to marry into. Run away from this man and let him stay married to his mother. Sick, sick, sick.


#6

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:5, topic:216720"]
It's not your possible MIL who is the problem, it's your fiancee. I mean, yes, she is a problem, but if he were ready to get married and leave all of his dysfunctional stuff behind, he wouldn't be all wound up in her life. It is unhealthy for you to try and set up a marriage with someone like that - usually it comes down to the wife demanding that the husband choose between her and mother, and mother wins.

Please, don't you think you deserve better than this? When you marry someone, you marry their family, trust me. Find a nicer family to marry into. Run away from this man and let him stay married to his mother. Sick, sick, sick.

[/quote]

You're right. I do see that the biggest problem here is him because if he were okay, he would be able to just say no to her and tell her how unhealthy what she does/expects. I pray that God will open his eyes to the dysfunctionality (if that's even a word) of their relationship because if that doesn't happen, there can be no future for us. It really hurts. :(


#7

I guarantee this will not stop. So either realize that and accept it. Or run for your life…


#8

[quote="veronica1985, post:6, topic:216720"]
You're right. I do see that the biggest problem here is him because if he were okay, he would be able to just say no to her and tell her how unhealthy what she does/expects. I pray that God will open his eyes to the dysfunctionality (if that's even a word) of their relationship because if that doesn't happen, there can be no future for us. It really hurts. :(

[/quote]

I feel for you. It sounds as if you have invested too much in this man already. I mean, stand outside yourself for a minute - if your best friend told you she was even dating this man, wouldn't you slap her upside her head and say, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???"

I am not making light of your emotions, but please begin un-hooking yourself from this guy so you can heal.


#9

[quote="1ke, post:2, topic:216720"]
Run, don't walk, in the opposite direction.

*Or marry him and live this drama 24/7 for the rest of your natural life.
*

The choice is yours.

Because he's not going to do what needs doing.

[/quote]

:thumbsup:

I wish I'd heard this advice before my marriage. I had serious problems with my in-laws, and my fiancée didn't do what she needed to do (ie. show myself, and them, that her first loyalty was to me). When I asked for advice someone I respected said that he'd seen this before, and it would get better quickly after we were married. Wrong! As 1ke says, I lived that drama for 10 years, until my wife left me. If she hadn't, I'd be still be living it, and my life would be living hell, and the children, who I raised after she left, would be neurotic.

As I said, my wife left me. She left for another man, and has since also married him, and divorced him, and is on relationship number 3. What I should have seen, in her refusal to show loyalty and commitment to me during our engagement, was a more general lack of loyalty and commitment.

Another bit of advice I once heard on dating was: check their hereditary, for three generations back :). Facetious, but there's some truth on it.


#10

Genesis 2:24 >>

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

The answer is pretty obvious.


#11

[quote="Edmundus1581, post:9, topic:216720"]
:thumbsup:

I wish I'd heard this advice before my marriage. I had serious problems with my in-laws, and my fiancée didn't do what she needed to do (ie. show myself, and them, that her first loyalty was to me). When I asked for advice someone I respected said that he'd seen this before, and it would get better quickly after we were married. Wrong! As 1ke says, I lived that drama for 10 years, until my wife left me. If she hadn't, I'd be still be living it, and my life would be living hell, and the children, who I raised after she left, would be neurotic.

As I said, my wife left me. She left for another man, and has since also married him, and divorced him, and is on relationship number 3. What I should have seen, in her refusal to show loyalty and commitment to me during our engagement, was a more general lack of loyalty and commitment.

Another bit of advice I once heard on dating was: check their hereditary, for three generations back :). Facetious, but there's some truth on it.

[/quote]

LOTS of truth in it!!! :thumbsup: I would say it's almost as important as any quality the person him/herself displays. As they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and you shall know their fruit...


#12

You are very wise to recognize these warning signs.

Detach and move on.

Breathe a huge sigh of relief.


#13

I would agree and suggest you call a child abuse hotline about the way she is treating the 3 year old. Her behavior to him sounds bizarre and he may need to be removed from her care. That kind of neglect of appropriate development can lead to permanent problems in life. I hope CPS would do an investigation. A 3 year old who is treated like that and can't speak is probably in pretty bad shape.


#14

Why are you even putting up with this? Are you that naive?
Sorry, but you need this man out of your life. This whole situation is beyond bizarre.


#15

When I first came on CAF years ago it was for my problems with my MIL and a woman named named Kage said that I should put off the wedding. I didn't understand because my fiance was great and it was all his Mother. No, my fiance was looking for someone to live off of, abuse, and cheat on and I couldn't see it. He was a Narcissist the same as his mother. I should have listened. Now my money is gone - I am in debt - living with my parents at 31 and have no job after severe health problems that my husband should have been there for me through. So there it is. God bless you but at least put the wedding on hold. If I cannot get a decree of nullity I may spend the rest of my life single with God and that will be fine because it will be better than the Hell I have lived.

And for the childs sake get childs services involved.


#16

not to be glib about this but, when I read your account of your fiance and potential MIL I have that flock of seagulls song going through my head…

…and I ran, i ran so far away. i just ran, i ran both night and day…

that’s what you NEED to do.

I married a man who was ‘married’ to his very troubled mother, and trust me, it does NOT get better. it gets worse. If things have been like this and this is their modus operandai, this is their normal, and it’s not going to change.

Don’t ever get married hoping that people will change


#17

[quote="1ke, post:2, topic:216720"]
Run, don't walk, in the opposite direction.

Or marry him and live this drama 24/7 for the rest of your natural life.

The choice is yours.

Because he's not going to do what needs doing.

[/quote]

Agreed. It will never end until she dies. And if you have my kind of luck she will out live you.

Do the 3 year old a huge favor and call child protective services and the police today. The fact your fiancée hasn't done it also indicates a huge personal failing.


#18

verily i say unto thee:

Don’t ever get married hoping that people will change

but 1ke is wrong. she writes:

Run, don’t walk, in the opposite direction.

Or marry him and live this drama 24/7 for the rest of your natural life.

what she sould have wriitn is this Run, don’t walk, in the opposite direction.

Or marry him and live WITH this drama 24/7 for the rest of your natural life because they will be living in YOUR house.

the guy has taken on an unnatural responsibility-- the care and feeding of an irresponsible mother. and he’s taken on a noble task: the care and feeding of his small brother.

but, OP even if you balance out the order and disorder in all this-- even if this all this measures out to a neutral score (it really doesn’t but let’s pretend it does)-- this still leaves your fiance with ZERO time/energy/resources for you and your future kids.** he’s already raising a family. **

you already play second fiddle. marry this fella and you’ll learn what it’s like playing last chair in a garage band.


#19

Veronica1985, I say that you should not marry him, unless he sincerely does change. And when I mean change, I do not mean that he should come up to you and tell you that he will change or do what you wish him to do. I mean that by deed, he breaks off this unhealthy relationship with his mother (and please, get child protection services and then, if possible send the child to a convent).

A amn is supposed to have his whole affection upon his wife, just like how God has his whole affection upon His dear Spouse Mary; He loves her and produces chidren through Her and for Her. So also should a real husband be.

If you were a weak person (and here, I'm not calling you weak of course!:)), you would probably give in to weakness. Your fiancee will probably tell you; after all that time!, or get really angry or dissapointed, trying to make you gratify his anger by giving in to his demands. Just like how teachers in public schools try to control innocent children when the latter don't do well, not because the children don't try well enough but because they have not grasped what the teachers are trying to teach.

You need great strength of will. Do not give in to weakness. If you break up with him you are not sinning, not even venially. Even if you were to break up with a guy whom you're not married to but neverthless know so well does not constitute a sin. You need to be brave. Give yourself up into Mary's arms. Say the Rosary everyday and I gurantee you that if you meditate well on the mysteries you'll find the answer to all your problems. Sure, you may suffer, and sometimes you may suffer alot but keep in mind that Mary is always with you and that your doing it for Her and God's love. Always know that Mary pities not only the suffering of Her children in the spiritual life but also of those which are about temporal matters. The numerous times in which She has consoled me when I worked are innumerable.


#20

Might not be the best idea considering it is a boy.

:smiley:


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