Lately I’ve been having a lot of problems relating to my future mother-in-law and I’m not sure what to do.
Here’s some background info:
She divorced my fiance’s father when he was still young. She later got remarried and had a second child when my fiance was 20. He ended up being an abuser so they are now separated.
For the past 3 years I’ve known my fiance, she has always had a crisis. She is constantly asking him for money and whenever she has an emotional issue she calls him. She unloads all her problems on him and he doesn’t stop her. Many times he has had to break plans with me to deal with her problems. She also hasn’t held a job and has been living off government money, food stamps, and her mother’s social security check. She has bounced from home to home, staying with friends and the last place was a trailer she bought.
When my fiance moved to another state, she followed him. She had no reason to go but she packed everything and moved the whole family across the country to be with him. She had no job prospects there, no place to live, and no car. When she got there, she stayed with a family my fiance knew when she had never met them before. When they got tired of her, my fiance paid to put her in a hotel until she could find a place to live. Mind you, he promised he wouldn’t give her money anymore because we need to save up for our wedding. He told me he wasn’t paying for her hotel but I found a receipt in the car. When I asked him he said it was only one night but he was clearly lying and eventually admitted it was for the whole week. He lied to me to give her money.
4 months after moving up there, she still has no job. She claimed she couldn’t work because she was in school (only 2 days a week) and she needed to finish school in order to find a good job. She now says she is going to quit school and work. This makes no sense. She has said to me several times that she does not want to work, she just wants a man to support her.
She does so many irresponsible things without thinking of how it is going to affect those around her. I worry that she will continue not working and will expect my fiance to support her. She will have some sort of self-made crisis and she will end up on our doorstep, expecting to move the whole family in.
The problem is my fiance is in denial. He tells me what a self-sufficient woman she is and how she wants to work and support herself. For the past 3 years she hasn’t and she has no plans to do this. He defends her no matter what and we are having the biggest fight because of it. We are on the verge of splitting and I don’t know what to do.
The other problem with her is that she is vulgar, disrespectful, very immodest, and from what I’ve seen, an ill-fit mother. She should be working to provide for her child but she chooses not to. I have seen her tie him to the table so he can’t run around because she can’t control him. She also keeps him on a leash when she takes him out in public because again, she can’t control him. He is 3 years old and can’t really speak. He sometimes acts like a dog and will come up to you and sniff and bark instead of speaking. He has even gone so far as to eat out of the dog’s bowls pretending to be the dog.
I do not want her around my children but my fiance says that if my mother can be around, his can. He also says that she raised him just fine.
I really am at a loss as to what to do. He says he won’t support her but I know if she came to our door, he wouldn’t turn her away. The other disturbing thing is that he sees no problem with her picking up and moving when he does. He is thinking about moving back to where I am and he said he didn’t see a problem if she followed him again. Can you imagine? A woman in her late 40s is picking up and moving every time her son does and he sees nothing wrong with it. He just says that she’s his mom and she loves him.
I think the lines between a son’s job and a husband’s job have blurred in both of their minds but when I bring up all these problems, he tells me I’m just insecure.
What do I do? I don’t want to end things with him but their relationship is clearly unhealthy and I can’t live with it forever.