Problems with parents (moving out)


#1

Hi everyone,

I need a good Catholic and objective feedback for my situation. First of all a little bit about me, I’m 23 years old, live with my parents, I graduated from College almost two years ago and have a wonderful job. I’m also a Youth Minister at my Church, lector, choir member, altar server, and anything that they call me up for. I’ve been recently dating a wonderful young Catholic man who even asked my parents for permission so we could start courting. (By the way, I have only dated one guy in my entire life). He and I have been very chaste and therefore give chastity talks together. We are both very active in our ministry as well and we’re discerning marriage at this time. The problem here are my parents: at first they liked my boyfriend (somewhat), but since he and I live 2 hours apart, when we’re together we spend quite a bit of time together. My parents didn’t like that and told me that it looked like I was chasing him around, so I have to lie to them when I’m going to visit him at the school he teaches or something, because if they know, they’ll think I’m desperate. Keep in mind that my boyfriend has NEVER disrespected my parents, in fact, after he asked them for their blessing to court me, they barely say hi to him.

This past weekend he came and surprised me during one of my Youth Minister Halloween Parties and I came home at 10:30 pm. My parents thought that was too late, so they gave me an ultimatum and made me choose between them and my boyfriend–because they say they don’t like him. They don’t say any reasons though. I chose my boyfriend, because I’m not doing anything immoral and they’ve always treated me as a child. I moved out and have been living with friends since then (because of the hurricane, there are no hotels or apartments available). I receive phone calls from my family yelling at me and insulting me and my reputation. They say that I’m the one who is wrong because I moved out and I’m the one “paying” for everything that my boyfriend does or has. It just happened to be that I got a free cell phone with a new account and he didn’t have one, so we decided to have a joint account and he would pay for his bill and I would pay for mine. They looked through my statements when I moved out and yell at me because I “pay” for EVERYTHING, which is not true at all. I don’t know what to do. I already found an apartment by the end of this month, but in my family, it is a very big deal moving out. I just can’t stand that they don’t know they kind of daughter they have and that they have this horrible image of me that no one else has. I’m desperate, please let me know what you think.

Totus Tuus,
Saint-To-Be


#2

Are you going to be able to fully support yourself in your new apartment?

Will you be able to continue being a chaste, obedient daughter of the Holy Mother Church while living alone and discerning a call to the vocation to marriage?

Can you treat your parents with respect and humility despite their insanity?

You may wish to speak with your priest about the situation and see if he would be able to act as a mediator between you and your family. Obviously, we have only your side of the situation, and it is odd that parents go ‘nuts’ over someone you have described…quite frankly he seems wonderful. You need to confess your sin of dishonesty, of course, and make amends to your parents for that as lying is wrong. You know that - big girls do not lie to their parents about dating someone and it is time to put on your big girl pants.

Your parents, on the other hand, could be real psychos.
Some of the members of this forum have survived some parents and in-laws who would make your hair curl.

I would take a deep breath, say a prayer or 4, and make an appointment with your priest. Tell him what you have shared with us and see what guidance he offers you.

God bless you; you are in my prayers.


#3

I think that you are an adult and need to live an adult life. If what you say is true that you and your boyfriend are living a chaste relationship, and you are discerning marriage I see no reason for you to not see him. Your parents probably aren’t ready for you to grow up, and are wanting to hold on tight to you. Pray, pray, pray, and just make sure that you are making good decisions. Have fun!


#4

Thank you so much. Yes, I’ve already made an appointment with my priest and I’ll talk with him tomorrow. Yes, I’m able to support myself. That’s the problem. I was really blessed with a wonderful job that pays much more than my boyfriend’s teaching job for instance, that’s why they think I’d pay for everything and it’s so far from the truth. I don’t lie to them about dating him, I just can’t tell them that some phone call I took was from him or that I hung out with him until some time, because they get upset. And chastity goes way beyond whether we live alone or not. We’ve already found ourselves as a couple in situations that would’ve gotten other couples in trouble, but we pray a rosary everytime and laugh about the situation, because it’s not even a temptation.

Thanks again and God bless,


#5

You’re 23 years old and coming home at 10:30 is too late? I think it would be both wise and healthy to move out. You’re parents are not facing the fact that you are no longer a child. Do you have siblings, if so are you’re parents the same with them?

Do not feel guilty. It’s time to leave the nest and live your life.


#6

Well, I only have one side here, but I think you have some parents who are having a difficult time with you growing up. However, as a parent and a former 20 something, you see things differently. It is a very scary world out there and your parents are afraid of your halo being tarnished. By being in their home, they felt they could keep a better eye on you and thus protect you from the evils around you. They are probably seeing your boyfriend as the threat or reason for you to be breaking away from them. It is easier to be mad at someone than to deal with your own insecurities!

At 23 you should be on your own and learning to make the right choices. Your parents have been spending a long time teaching you the ways of the church and world for preparation of this time. I think it is the letting go they are having a difficult go of! Cut them some slack and try to talk to them like an adult. Try to see if from their perspective then tell them you are hurt by their sudden change in opinion of you.

Now, the cell phone bit. I can say it is very risky having a boyfriend on your plan that you are responsible for. While he may have good intentions right now, you parents are worried about what if it does not work out. This is a red flag for them because he could potentially ring up a huge bill you could not pay. Then this would ruin your credit report and later on down the road when you try to buy a car or house you are in trouble. (I think that is their perspective, but it is just a guess!)

I myself got married at 23, so it is time you get out of your parent’s house if you can afford it. I also think it is good for women to live not under their parent’s roof for a little while before getting married so they learn to handle situations with out their parents to bailing them out.

Good Luck and pray for wisdom.


#7

Are you an only child? Or the favorite? That might explain why your parents want to keep you a baby. And you did live with them even after you got a job, which probably gave them the idea that you were content to live at home with them forever or something. Not that you intended to send that message, but it seems to me that that is the way they saw it. I think as soon as you got your job you should have moved out. I don’t think your parents would be blaming your boyfriend for all their difficulties with your decision to move out if you had. But, hindsight is 20/20, isn’t it? They have to learn to cut the apron strings and let you be the adult you are. I too think talking to your priest about this situation would be good, especially if he is a sensible person whom you all trust. And yes pray about it, but don’t let your parents guilt you or bully you into doing what they want or you will never get out from under their thumb for the rest of your life. :wink:


#8

[quote=Saint-To-Be]Thank you so much. Yes, I’ve already made an appointment with my priest and I’ll talk with him tomorrow. Yes, I’m able to support myself. That’s the problem. I was really blessed with a wonderful job that pays much more than my boyfriend’s teaching job for instance, that’s why they think I’d pay for everything and it’s so far from the truth. I don’t lie to them about dating him, I just can’t tell them that some phone call I took was from him or that I hung out with him until some time, because they get upset. And chastity goes way beyond whether we live alone or not. We’ve already found ourselves as a couple in situations that would’ve gotten other couples in trouble, but we pray a rosary everytime and laugh about the situation, because it’s not even a temptation.

Thanks again and God bless,
[/quote]

I think you are on the right, and holy, track. It may be difficult to separate from the nest but it sure sounds like you are doing the correct things. God bless you, sweetheart, and you and your family will be in my prayers.


#9

I think talking with a priest is a great idea. Aside from that, I would suggest you go and talk with your parents and ask them to tell you why they don’t approve of your boyfriend. If they say its because you pay for everything, you tell them what the truth is. Listen carefully to every argument with an open mind.

I really don’t know your situation, but I would be careful about moving out of your house*** because * ** you decided to choose your bf over your family.
Did they tell you you had to move out if you chose to continue to see your bf or did you decide to move out on your own?


#10

Thank you so much… I’ve tried to tell them the truth, but they won’t listen just like in the past. They don’t believe me, which is horrible, because as my parents, they should know more than anyone else in the planet the kind of person I am, but they don’t trust me.

When I asked them about the reasons why they didn’t like him, they just said “we don’t like him, period.” They told me to move out if I “chose” him.


#11

Well, you called your parents’ bluff and moved out. That was the next step. You have a job that pays well and can support you. That’s something a few people your age do not have. You are talking with your priest to see what you can do about this.

While I’m only hearing your side, I’ve been in a similar situation. I can’t see where there is anything else you can do but pray that someday soon your parents see what’s really going on here, and come to some sort of reconciliation with you.

My prayers are with you.


#12

Saint to be, I understand your plight, I was there. The only difference my Mother and Father “had to get married” Although she would never admit it, They were married Aug. 29, 1955 I was born March 2, 1956, do the math;) Whenever I went on a date, she would say “Only a whore would go out at that time” (9:00PM) my boyfriend(later husband) worked till 8:00PM. When his family who lived in another Country asked if we could possibily change the Wedding date sooner (nothing was finalized yet) mother’s response was “What are you pregnant, if you are you can get the He_l out of my house, you dirty little pig” (my boyfriend/husband and his much older sister were there discussing early wedding plans) I was so embarrassed, my furture sister-in-law offered me a place to live, but I was scared of my mother and said no. I never slept with him till the day we married. It didn’t stop there, after married I had my first miscarriage I was about 7 weeks along. I was married about 3 and half months at the time and my mother questioned the doctor how far along, rather she demanded to know how far along I was, the doctor would not tell her but told me about it. Some comfort, I needed hugs and love but she stabbed me in the back. My point honey, get away, they sound toxic like my mom. Find a group of nice girls like yourself, live your life, you sound like you are a strong moral person and would not give into tempation even if living on your own. Best to you–Kay


#13

Sounds like it’s time to move out. Move into your new apartment. Live your own life. I’m not sure what’s up with your parents, but they’ll learn to accept that you’re an adult eventually.


#14

why do you live with your parents if you are 23 and out of college? do they require your care? because from your description, if accurate, they sound controlling and manipulative, and if your pattern has been to enable them in this behavior, some counselling for you may be in order before you attempt a relationship leading to marriage. you have to be able to leave your parents and cling to your husband in marriage, and it sounds like you will need some help with this. Get a job, get an apartment, move out and learn to live as an adult before you even think about marriage. N.B., living as an adult does not mean sex outside marriage (that is living out an adolescent fantasy, not adulthood).


#15

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