Profound Loneliness


#1

Hi. I've had this problem for a while. I mean, I have my dream boyfriend and my dream job. I have a great life and I'm a straight-A college student. However, I feel a deep loneliness. I love God and I do a lot of work with the church community. Still, I have always had a hard time making friends and it hurts me. Recently, my boyfriend said that he wants to have more time to hang out with his friend and for me to hang out with mine. This brings back all my insecurities of not being wanted, not having enough friends, not knowing why I feel so sad and lonely. Is there a way to get rid of this loneliness?


#2

I'm not sure how to get rid of it. I could have written your post, however. My situation has been getting better, now, so just live it out. Give your boy some space, and he'll probably realize he misses seeing you so often. And message me if you want to talk :)


#3

Loneliness is a terrible cross, so I feel for you.

I'll let others offer advice on tactics for overcoming this, but I wanted to offer the thought that sometimes loneliness comes about as a manifestation of the soul realising it's need for God. That is to say that sometimes the need for God within us brings to light the unsifficiency of the world around us. This can lead to a sense of loneliness and a lack of feeling fulfilment in various areas of our lives. We can at times become acutely aware that no worldly relationship, in itself, will truly make us happy. These experiences of emptiness (perhaps the loneliness in your case) are part of what the mystical teachers, principally St John of the Cross, might refer to as part of the "dark night of the soul".

If you don't know much about St John of the Cross, now might be a good time to read up on him and his writings. Feeling lonely is terrible, but it might be a calling from God for you to focus on Him. This is not to imply that you haven't been, but perhaps God wants you to know Him even closer! I have gone through some dark times, and the writings of St John of the Cross and other mystics were of great help to me.


#4

HelloSunshine: I advise to pray and ask for God's help in solving this problem.Your not unique is this.It may take some time but you'll get answer.


#5

I would suggest taking up a hobby. The time you would normally spend with your boyfriend when he wants to hang out with his friends, you can do your hobby. There are meetup groups in your area that you can join so you can make new friends with a common interest.


#6

Sunshine, I can definitely relate, though, I'm a man. My last relationship just ended and I don't know many people in my area. It is difficult.

First, I would suggest using the counseling services at your university. The insecurity you're experiencing could eventually push your boyfriend away. You don't even have to tell anyone that you're going. I went to the counseling center when I was in school for three semesters. The therapist, who was a professor in the psych program, was very secular and didn't understand my faith, but she still helped me. Pray about it and see if you feel it may help.

Second, if you haven't already, maybe you could seek out the Newman Club at your university. I made the best friends I have ever had after joining the Catholic Student Association at my school. I graduated nearly two years ago and still talk to them several times a week.

I hope things improve for you, I will remember you in my prayers today. God bless you!


#7

[quote="hellosunshine, post:1, topic:234061"]
Hi. I've had this problem for a while. I mean, I have my dream boyfriend and my dream job. I have a great life and I'm a straight-A college student. However, I feel a deep loneliness. I love God and I do a lot of work with the church community. Still, I have always had a hard time making friends and it hurts me. Recently, my boyfriend said that he wants to have more time to hang out with his friend and for me to hang out with mine. This brings back all my insecurities of not being wanted, not having enough friends, not knowing why I feel so sad and lonely. Is there a way to get rid of this loneliness?

[/quote]

Hi, Sunshine. I know exactly how you feel! I am in my forties, am married, have children and a successful career and still feel very lonely at times. No matter how kind or welcoming others are to me, I always feel the odd person out. I'm sociable but internally, I am very, very shy. I often feel as if others are judging me -- when I know full well they are not. I can't offer you any particularly solid advice on how to "cure" this, as I myself have not done so. You might try some anti-anxiety medication if your doctor thinks it's appropriate. I tried this myself and it did help some of the physical manifestations (choking senstion, lightheadedness) that are associated with panic disorder. But, internally, I always feel the same.

Prayer is quite helpful at calming some of these feelings. As I DREAD meeting new people, I often say a prayer to both my guardian angel and that of the person I'm meeting...just that the meeting will go well, etc. It does work.

You sound like a very nice person and deserve good people in your life, Sunshine. Prayers to you for greater peace and confidence.


#8

[quote="hellosunshine, post:1, topic:234061"]
Is there a way to get rid of this loneliness?

[/quote]

I hope this doesn't sound coarse cause I don't mean to be...
but I always wondered why monastic hermits don't get lonely?
bugs me that I don't know.
1) One end of the spectrum is a person who has a very rich social life yet feels very lonely
2) other end of spectrum are the monk-hermits who have no daily social life but aren't lonely, in fact they seem to like their solitude (I think).

is there some sort of key difference between the two?
J7


#9

[quote="hellosunshine, post:1, topic:234061"]
Hi. I've had this problem for a while. I mean, I have my dream boyfriend and my dream job. I have a great life and I'm a straight-A college student. However, I feel a deep loneliness. I love God and I do a lot of work with the church community. Still, I have always had a hard time making friends and it hurts me. Recently, my boyfriend said that he wants to have more time to hang out with his friend and for me to hang out with mine. This brings back all my insecurities of not being wanted, not having enough friends, not knowing why I feel so sad and lonely. Is there a way to get rid of this loneliness?

[/quote]

Use your on-campus counseling service. If things are really as great as you say, with your "dream job" and "dream boyfriend," and straight-A grades (that's a lot of pressure), then why would you feel lonely instead of happy and satisfied? Even if you are a person who doesn't need a lot of friends (and many people are like that), you can still be happy with yourself and in your own company. Maybe you've invested a little too much time with just your boyfriend and not enough time being available for friendship? If you put all your eggs into one basket, you can find yourself truly alone if that basket isn't available! A counselor can help you sort things out. Your parents (or you) are already paying for it in your fees, may as well use it!

How many friends is "enough?" Really think about it - some people like having a lot of friends that aren't very close, and some people like having 1 or 2 very close friends. Some people can only handle 1 very close friend at a time. Everyone is different. The "popular" people with a huge circle of friends may still be lonely because none of those friends truly knows them or is allowed to get really close with them. If you have even one real, true, loyal friend, you are rich!

If you have any interests, pursue them! You will probably make friends in that arena. Not everything you do has to be a service project, either, like your church ministries. Do something just for the fun of it! Fly a kite, make something, paint, sing, dance, act - you get the idea. Do what you love to do and you will be around others who like to do it too.

You have a job? Ask someone out to lunch, or out for a coke after work if it's part time.


#10

*

[quote="John7, post:8, topic:234061"]
I hope this doesn't sound coarse cause I don't mean to be...
but I always wondered why monastic hermits don't get lonely?

[/quote]

How do you know they don't get lonely?

I think every human being on earth gets lonely at one time or another.*


#11

Find a few activities you like to do and become involved in those. Join some groups or look for some volunteer work for a cause you feel strongly about. I think when we sit around feeling sorry for ourselves is makes the lonely moments seem far more profound and if you busy and contributing maybe you'll be less so and less shy or withdrawn. :cool:


#12

Some of the feelings you describe are relatively common among very young women—the what-ifs and the feelings of inadequacy or possible inadequacy, with regard to a young man. It's a natural feeling to some extent. Excessive worrying may result from some things back in childhood, in which case a counsellor could help. Plus, you may have an inner life setting you apart, wouldn't be surprising in a straight-A student. Many people with prolific intellects have trouble relating, and don't fit.


#13

Sunshine, are you ok?


#14

[quote="John7, post:8, topic:234061"]
I hope this doesn't sound coarse cause I don't mean to be...
but I always wondered why monastic hermits don't get lonely?
bugs me that I don't know.
1) One end of the spectrum is a person who has a very rich social life yet feels very lonely
2) other end of spectrum are the monk-hermits who have no daily social life but aren't lonely, in fact they seem to like their solitude (I think).

is there some sort of key difference between the two?
J7

[/quote]

A monk I was watching on tv once was asked what it was like to live in a monastery. :highprayer:

The answer: well, try to imagine being married to 84 guys you don't really like that much... :p

Alan


#15

[quote="hellosunshine, post:1, topic:234061"]
Hi. I've had this problem for a while. I mean, I have my dream boyfriend and my dream job. I have a great life and I'm a straight-A college student. However, I feel a deep loneliness. I love God and I do a lot of work with the church community. Still, I have always had a hard time making friends and it hurts me. Recently, my boyfriend said that he wants to have more time to hang out with his friend and for me to hang out with mine. This brings back all my insecurities of not being wanted, not having enough friends, not knowing why I feel so sad and lonely. Is there a way to get rid of this loneliness?

[/quote]

What seems to happen when you try to make friends? Not enough time? Don't know how to open a conversation? None of the above?

Alan


#16

I agree with the other posters who suggested looking into some counseling. They can help you figure out why you feel this way which will help you to address it.

I often feel lonely too. I find it a bit difficult sometimes to relate to the people around me- at work, in classes, etc. My Catholic background sometimes is a little alienating and it's hard to be the odd one out. Friends who I used to be close to are not so close anymore. I also live alone, so that gets lonely too.

Something that might help is volunteering at a nursing home. I've done this in the past, and not only are the residents wonderful, but they are some of the loneliest people I've ever met. Some of them have families that visit often, but others go weeks or months without seeing anyone but the nursing home staff. Focusing on other people and their problems is the best way to get rid of feeling badly about your own, plus you could meet some really interesting people who would love to have someone to talk to. :)

Even if you're not comfortable with this, it's important that you find things to do that don't involve your boyfriend, especially if he has mentioned it to you and even if you have to do them by yourself. Go to a coffee shop and read or do homework, go shopping, even go to a movie. Learn to enjoy your own company. I used to be afraid to go anywhere alone, and now I enjoy it. If you can become comfortable with your own company, loneliness is a little easier to deal with.


#17

I've just experienced some insights that I'd like to apply to this topic, but I don't have the time to do that now. Sufficient for now is that I hear you, I feel your pain, and from what it looks like I think I can help walk with you and work with you to find our way.

God bless, and may peace and joy be yours, forever and unconditionally.

Alan


#18

[quote="AlanFromWichita, post:14, topic:234061"]
well, try to imagine being married to 84 guys you don't really like that much... :p Alan

[/quote]

:)


closed #19

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