Last night I had another encounter with a homeless guy that kind of goes along with what we talked about in the other thread I posted recently. I know him fairly well as he hangs around the same neighborhood a lot.
Last night when I was walking by he was sitting there with a woman I also know, and he asked me: "Kathrin! Do you have any food?"
I told him, truthfully, that i was just on my way to the bakery where they throw out day-old bread, to pick up some loaves.
He said (he was quite high and drunk, I must add): “Bread isn’t food!” with which of course I didn’t agree.
He also reminded me he was a diabetic and shouldn’t eat bread, which on the other hand I could understand.
The other woman and a thord one who walked by on the other hand took my offer that i would get them some peanut butter from my room and they would make sandwiches with the free bread.
The other guy unfortunately is also allergic to peanuts. He (probably partly induced by the pot) started fantasizing about all the food he loves, and I tried to make it clear to him that I didn’t feel I had to buy him something expensive. I suggested we go to Walgreen’s and I get him something. I thought a snack, some chips maybe… he said a sandwich.
I said a prepared sandaich again was rather expensive
(and this is what I feel most guilty about, I should have just gotten one for him ) and we kind of talked back and forth, I asked him to suggest something he could eat that wasn’t too expensive, but he was not making sense anymore (smoked more pot).
I came back with the peanut butter for the women, the one woman said I was an angel but I just felt guilty about the other guy because he was gone.
Ok, long introduction. Ok, so I felt guilty. So I made myself go look for him late at night, even though I wasn’t feeling well (been fighting some kind of virus).
I also ate less myself before I went to bed (I like to snack on food and bread and peanut butter) because of it.
This morning I found him and we kind of BOTH apologized. I went to a Chinese place with him and bought him food for 3 dollars.
I asked him if he whad really been hungry the night before and he said he hadn’t been that hungry.
But when I asked him later if he had to go to bed hungry he said YES. But also that it was good??? And that it wasn’t my fault.
I still kind of feel it is.
And even though I already kind of punished myself last night, this morning I felt maybe I should refrain from doing something I enjoy today.
And not read in the book that I am reading and continue with the studies I enjoy doing.
But should I listen to that “voice”? Or have I punished myself enough? Now I feel guilty if I read in the book I like to read in. Do we listen to voices like that? Or are they voices of doubt? Should we punish ourselves?
And how wrongly did I behave? Have I failed to “feed the hungry”? Or am I too hard on myself???