Purity and Lying: I need help


#1

Hey everyone.

I’m really sorry to throw this topic in here but I knew I would get the best response out of you guys who I’m sure have been though so much more than I have.

Boy have I got a pickle on my hands. Just recently, my boyfriend and I of 5 months have been going though a tough spot. I found out he’s not as pure as I thought he was. He did some bad things in his past relationship that he fully regrets and stopped once he realized it was wrong. Someone must have never told him.

Anyway, I was upset about that. Chasity is something very dear to my heart and I felt a little cheated out. But I’ve now learned that we can’t live in the past. And I am working through the problem very well. But that’s not all… I have problems too.

I’m going to blame this on an insecurity… or maybe even a cry for attention. But I have lied to him about a past relationship. I’ve made up a boy who doesn’t exist and have written our entire relationship out in my head. He believes every word. I guess at first I did it because I never pictured us going out together. I’ve really only had one real boyfriend and it wasn’t that special. I just wanted him to think that someone could actually be in love with me. I’m really not sure. It’s blown up so big. But I totally regret it. I can’t stand lying to him now that he’s been so truthfull with me. I want to tell him the truth, but I’m afraid he’ll never trust me again. I know it will take time for me to do this. I don’t even know where to start! I just know it will be awful. I would hope that he would forgive me.

Any advice on how I should go about it? Any advice would be amazing!


#2

First pray and ask God to forgive you. Then tell your boyfriend immediately, when you will have enough time alone together to explain your mistake. After his lie to you, he should be full of understanding and mercy. Apologize and ask for forgiveness from your boyfriend. And then stop playing games so that neither of you hurts one another in this way again. Finally, if you are Catholics, go to Confession as soon as you can. God bless you as you strive for a holy relationship.


#3

[quote=CatHicks]I just wanted him to think that someone could actually be in love with me.
[/quote]

As a guy, the lack of past boyfriends wouldn’t mean anything to me in this regard - I would consider myself special, that you refused others and chose to be with me.

I want to tell him the truth, but I’m afraid he’ll never trust me again.

For me, learning that the girl I’m with has been with fewer guys than I though would be a good thing. For me, it wouldn’t be a trust thing at all - I would give you a hard time about it, but I would still trust you. If you said you never had a boyfriend but had actually been around the block many times over…that would be a trust thing.

I don’t know if he’s like me, but if he is then you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Tell him already.

Again, this is just my opinion.

God Bless,
RyanL


#4

I’m sorry to hear about your problems. Let me tell you that I’ve had relationships in the past where I started with the exact same lie; a false relationship, just to that the girl would think I was more “experienced” than I really was. The problem with lies is that once one gets started, it just keeps growing and spreading and eventually you have to start keeping track of who knows what and trying to remember things you’ve said to keep the lie alive.

I’d say approach him with a timid smile and say, “can I tell you something really stupid?” Just tell him the truth. I you love each other, God will make sure everything works.

And just FYI, my current relationship is still strong after two years and I started that one 100% honest about my past.


#5

Thanks so much guys. I will be going to confession tomorrow afternoon.

This is going to take some time. Just recentelyhe’s been asking about “him” more than often. It kills me. Maybe if the topic wasn’t so fresh he would take the truth a little eaiser. I thought about that and then remembered that the longer I wait the worse it gets…

So I’m thinking that I can start by taking it apart in peices… for example… “I exaggerated some things.” “Things wern’t that serious.” I do want to tell him right away that I’m not as perfect as he may think… and maybe even tell him to give me some time before we talk about “the guy” anymore.

How does that sound? I just know this will take a while for me. Or do you guys have any better ideas?


#6

You can take this for whatever it is worth and draw any conclusions that you wish …

Our Msgr asks each 8th grade girl in our grammer school three times to marry him and instrusts them to say ‘no’ each time. He does this so that when they are in high school or college or beyond, they can “honestly” say that they’ve been asked to be married three times and they turned it down.


#7

What in heaven’s name is the point of that?


#8

[quote=Cupofkindness]What in heaven’s name is the point of that?
[/quote]

Maybe so when they get turned down they can say, “I have turned down better men than you!” :stuck_out_tongue:

Alan


#9

[quote=CatHicks]Thanks so much guys. I will be going to confession tomorrow afternoon.

This is going to take some time. Just recentelyhe’s been asking about “him” more than often. It kills me. Maybe if the topic wasn’t so fresh he would take the truth a little eaiser. I thought about that and then remembered that the longer I wait the worse it gets…

So I’m thinking that I can start by taking it apart in peices… for example… “I exaggerated some things.” “Things wern’t that serious.” I do want to tell him right away that I’m not as perfect as he may think… and maybe even tell him to give me some time before we talk about “the guy” anymore.

How does that sound? I just know this will take a while for me. Or do you guys have any better ideas?
[/quote]

You can start by saying, “I exaggerated some things,” but quickly come clean because if you feed a little at a time, it sounds like you are only becoming as honest as you need to be, as the situation unfolds.

Another approach would be to tell him that you are no longer comfortable discussing that for reasons you don’t wish to get into, and “as far as he’s concerned” the old person may as well not have existed.

Chances are, he’s evaluating himself in comparison to this “dream person” and trying to see how he measures up for your affection. There is an advantage for him in knowing dream dude actually didn’t exist, because then he knows there is no competition. Then again, if he thought he was standing up to competition before and finds out it was imaginary, maybe he will become less confident that he will be able to withstand future competition.

Yes, it could go several ways. This is a pretty interesting situation. I’m not sure what the right thing to do is, but I’d say either cut off discussion or confess, but if you confess, confess to it all at once, not just, “well, you know those yachts I said he has, actually he doesn’t have more than one I’m sure.” :wink:

Alan


#10

[quote=Sir Knight]You can take this for whatever it is worth and draw any conclusions that you wish …

Our Msgr asks each 8th grade girl in our grammer school three times to marry him and instrusts them to say ‘no’ each time. He does this so that when they are in high school or college or beyond, they can “honestly” say that they’ve been asked to be married three times and they turned it down.
[/quote]

I’d like to see his face if a girl says, “yes!”

Alan


#11

[quote=Sir Knight]You can take this for whatever it is worth and draw any conclusions that you wish …

Our Msgr asks each 8th grade girl in our grammer school three times to marry him and instrusts them to say ‘no’ each time. He does this so that when they are in high school or college or beyond, they can “honestly” say that they’ve been asked to be married three times and they turned it down.
[/quote]

I found that amusing :slight_smile:


#12

[quote=CatHicks]Thanks so much guys. I will be going to confession tomorrow afternoon.

This is going to take some time. Just recentelyhe’s been asking about “him” more than often. It kills me. Maybe if the topic wasn’t so fresh he would take the truth a little eaiser. I thought about that and then remembered that the longer I wait the worse it gets…

So I’m thinking that I can start by taking it apart in peices… for example… “I exaggerated some things.” “Things wern’t that serious.” I do want to tell him right away that I’m not as perfect as he may think… and maybe even tell him to give me some time before we talk about “the guy” anymore.

How does that sound? I just know this will take a while for me. Or do you guys have any better ideas?
[/quote]

That sounds like something from a person who doesn’t really want to be honest. Not to be harsh, but really…HONESTY IS the BEST POLICY!

If you really want this guy to love and respect you and trust you, you have to come clean TOTALLY as soon as possible, and explain what you were thinking when you first began to tell him about this delusion. If he really cares for you, he’ll be willing to forgive you. You will have to earn his trust for a time. But that’s not so hard once you truly adopt the “honesty IS the best policy” idea wholeheartedly. In fact, it’s not nearly as difficult a thing to live up to as the continuance of a fib from outer space!

:slight_smile:

I will pray for you, and I hope you will understand that weaseling your way out of this is NOT the best way to go. The deception will eat away at you for as long as you hold on to even a hint of untruth. That’s the way the devil works. Give him a little nibble and he’ll take a bite out of you! So…lay it all down…deal with the consequences…and move on with a pure heart.

It’s the ONLY way to live.
Confess…confess…confess…to him and to God. You’ll feel like you’ve been healed of a terminal disease! Believe me! Trust me! Honesty is the best policy…always.

:thumbsup:


#13

Originally Posted by Sir Knight
*You can take this for whatever it is worth and draw any conclusions that you wish …

Our Msgr asks each 8th grade girl in our grammer school three times to marry him and instrusts them to say ‘no’ each time. He does this so that when they are in high school or college or beyond, they can “honestly” say that they’ve been asked to be married three times and they turned it down.*

[quote=locket]I found that amusing :slight_smile:

[/quote]

Actually, it makes me uncomfortable. Just what is his motivation for this “tradition/ritual”? I would not welcome the participation of my daughter in this.

I suppose that is what it is worth to me.


#14

[quote=coyote]Actually, it makes me uncomfortable.
[/quote]

Why does it make you uncomfortable?

[quote=coyote]Just what is his motivation for this “tradition/ritual”?
[/quote]

So that in the future when a girl is being pressured to do things or take steps that she might not be ready for, she can “honestly” say that SHE had turned down three marriage proposals.

[quote=coyote]I would not welcome the participation of my daughter in this.
[/quote]

Why?


#15

[quote=AlanFromWichita]I’d like to see his face if a girl says, “yes!”
[/quote]

That’s why he SPECIFICALLY instructs them before hand to say ‘no’.


#16

Since I don’t know the monsignor, I’m not going to judge this because some priests relate really well to children, and I can envision how this “interesting” exercise could be done with dignity.

What I want to know is how this will benefit the girl. How is she stronger for this ability?

For example, a man asks her to marry and she doesn’t want to do it. How is it to her advantage that she has said “no” in this role play? I suppose it’s possible it has such advantage.

I’m not so much against having a role play, as I role play with my kids from time to time. To do it systematically to an entire class seems a bit risky.

There is another side to this thing. What if in the future one of those women wanted to tell a man that he was the first to ask her? Could she “honestly” say that he was? I suppose we have predetermined that girls in this diocese would rather be able to say, “I’ve had experience – men have asked me to marry them before.”

That’s another problem I have – the whole idea seems to be to make the girl seem “more experienced” and therefore more able to say “no.” To tell a man that she has turned down other offers of marriage presupposes that she has been in very intimate (even if not sexual) relationships before.

Then again, I suppose we are just adding it to the girl’s arsenal, and she can forever remain silent, choosing to present the “truth” about her background in any of several ways.

Alan


#17

[quote=Sir Knight]Why does it make you uncomfortable?

So that in the future when a girl is being pressured to do things or take steps that she might not be ready for, she can “honestly” say that SHE had turned down three marriage proposals.

Why?
[/quote]

I am sorry SirKnight, I don’t see how this helps the girl. In the 1800’s perhaps it helped a woman’s pride to be able to say that she had been asked to marry. But that was also a time when ‘Old Maids’ were looked down upon. Today we do not have that problem so I am honestly confused as to why it would matter if the girl had been asked at all to get married.

Even when I was young-why back a long, long time ago- it didn’t really matter to us if a girl had been asked to get married or not. I would imagine that a girl today would not feel even less pressure to get married. After all, I had many people tell me that 22 was too young to get married, that I should start a career and date around before I settled down. So, I think that the emphasis is now on ‘not getting married.’

I do have to ask why nuns were not brought in to ask the boys to marry them? It seems like boys would enjoy being able to say that they too had turned down three different offers for marriage.


#18

This is definately one of the times you need to go to confession. Remember that always when you have these kinds of questions. And the fact that you realize there is something wrong is a grace.
Get a few of the great CD’s or download them that are by Catholic artists. And keep posting to let us know how your relationship is improving by making the right choices as it seems you want to. :thumbsup:


#19

AlanFromWichita & deb1, last year monsignor celebrated his 50th year in the priesthood so his “emphasis” may be different but that doesn’t make it wrong and I think it’s a nice act on his part.


#20

[quote=Sir Knight]You can take this for whatever it is worth and draw any conclusions that you wish …

Our Msgr asks each 8th grade girl in our grammer school three times to marry him and instrusts them to say ‘no’ each time. He does this so that when they are in high school or college or beyond, they can “honestly” say that they’ve been asked to be married three times and they turned it down.
[/quote]

That is reeeaaalllly unusual to say the least. I don’t think I would like my daughters to have that experience. Yet, I can see the wisdom in doing it. :confused:


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