Else where on these forums I have detailed how child abuse against me has placed any sense of faith on the brink. It is as if along with the bad things everyone goes through, being abused suggests at the earliest age you should not have been born.
Well, if you are lucky this doesn’t destroy you. Of course it damages you. In my case I tried being involved. I was engaged. Ultimately I became the guy women talk to but dont don’t want. Two realizations slightly divergent in paths out from me result from my past.
First I suspect I am not suitable to be a father. I will come back to this.
Second I do not want a woman near me if she doesn’t want me, it causes the first thing to be worse. If she needs to listen to someone and it is real code talk for I need priest or a mental health professional, I will be generous a support going to see such people. It is easy for a single person to tell you things either a professional or husband alone should know. I have even experienced the phenomena of trying to hear out married ladies I know only to have a conversation go where it shouldn’t. I say this in that my own emotional hurt has made me vulnerable to fill a void with company and conversation. However, I have seen if it is not able or open to matrimony I do not want any threatening relationship to be close to me.
As for as matrimony, having been a wrecking ball for my father, has broken my spirit. I would never, ever strike or physically inujure a child as he has. However, I fear that I can be quite cruel towards a child. In a very real sense being much worse than my father’s physical abuse. What is insidious about mental abuse is it slips underneath the law. at its worse I am very capable of cruelty. This would be most evident with children. Yet I am also one that is better to go to Mass at a cathedral or monastery with minimal interaction because I tend to treat my fellow man like a “rattlesnake.” Since I know this isn’t right I do what I can and stay away from people. The things that have happened to me cause me to say I do what I can get done. In my case it is to pull away from others. Why say," if only Itry harder I will be a fine parish going fellow shaking hands and possible meeting a lady". No unfortunately it is thank goodness I have made this far with most of this turmoil locked inside instead of doing something foolish.