Qualities For A Wife I've Come Up With


#1

Okay, here's a list of qualities for any future wife I might marry in the future.

Could the people who are married on this board, and especially those who have been married 20+ years as you have the most experience, please read over this little preliminary list I've made up, and tell me if I've set my standards far too high and that I should lower some of my expectations. Also, could you let me know if my standards are far too low, and that I could do much better, and should aim higher.

A lot of these items don't just center around the person, but also the person's family as they'll be getting to know me and vice versa. I know it's a cliche, but knowing where a person has come from lets me better know where they are going.

This is just a preliminary list, and I'll be adding and subtracting things as the situation warrants. Everything in this list isn't set in stone either, I am reasonably flexible I think.

Finally, if anyone wants clarification on some parts of this list, don't hesitate to ask.

Qualities For A Wife

Physical Attributes:

  • Not terribly important overall. Looks will fade with time; personality is for life.
  • Proportional.
  • Exercises regularly.
  • Keeps junk food intake to a minimum.

(If I can't look at them, and without hesitation say: "Yes, if your face and hands were burned off in a car accident I would still be by your side for the rest of your life." and mean it, I won't consider proposing, let alone marriage.)

Family Attributes:

  • From an intact family. ie: parents not divorced or single mother by choice (I’m not including widows and those who were dealt a bad hand by fate.).
  • Siblings, if any, are not divorced either.
  • Gets along with my mother, father, brother and sister.
  • Her family likes and gets along with me.

Money Habits:

  • SAVES!
  • Knows the difference between necessities and luxuries.
  • Little to no debt.
  • Has a reasonable payment plan to get out of/manage any debt.
  • Has Health Insurance.
  • Has a 401K
  • Every now and then maybe buys something reasonably priced to keep life interesting.

Personality Attributes:

  • Must value and expect loyalty from me.
  • Wants kids.
  • Is good with kids.
  • Agree with my ideas for disciplining children when it is needed.
  • Laughs at my jokes. (Especially the stupid ones.)
  • Does not believe in or agree with divorce.
  • Agrees with me when I say “What part of Forsaking all others, and Till death do us part, do you NOT understand?!?”
  • Puts up with my nuttier/crazier/stranger moments/attributes.
  • Must be pro-life.

Miscellaneous:
(Nice/Fun attributes to have, but not quite needed.)

  • Owns/operates a firearm(s)
  • Has a college education.
  • Agrees with most of my political opinions.
  • Enjoys similar Movies/TV shows/Books.

#2

[quote="Ego_Svm_Nemo, post:1, topic:187839"]
Okay, here's a list of qualities for any future wife I might marry in the future.

Could the people who are married on this board, and especially those who have been married 20+ years as you have the most experience, please read over this little preliminary list I've made up, and tell me if I've set my standards far too high and that I should lower some of my expectations. Also, could you let me know if my standards are far too low, and that I could do much better, and should aim higher.

A lot of these items don't just center around the person, but also the person's family as they'll be getting to know me and vice versa. I know it's a cliche, but knowing where a person has come from lets me better know where they are going.

This is just a preliminary list, and I'll be adding and subtracting things as the situation warrants. Everything in this list isn't set in stone either, I am reasonably flexible I think.

Finally, if anyone wants clarification on some parts of this list, don't hesitate to ask.

Qualities For A Wife

Physical Attributes:

  • Not terribly important overall. Looks will fade with time; personality is for life.
  • Proportional.
  • Exercises regularly.
  • Keeps junk food intake to a minimum.

(If I can't look at them, and without hesitation say: "Yes, if your face and hands were burned off in a car accident I would still be by your side for the rest of your life." and mean it, I won't consider proposing, let alone marriage.)

Family Attributes:

  • From an intact family. ie: parents not divorced or single mother by choice (I’m not including widows and those who were dealt a bad hand by fate.).
  • Siblings, if any, are not divorced either.
  • Gets along with my mother, father, brother and sister.
  • Her family likes and gets along with me.

Money Habits:

  • SAVES!
  • Knows the difference between necessities and luxuries.
  • Little to no debt.
  • Has a reasonable payment plan to get out of/manage any debt.
  • Has Health Insurance.
  • Has a 401K
  • Every now and then maybe buys something reasonably priced to keep life interesting.

Personality Attributes:

  • Must value and expect loyalty from me.
  • Wants kids.
  • Is good with kids.
  • Agree with my ideas for disciplining children when it is needed.
  • Laughs at my jokes. (Especially the stupid ones.)
  • Does not believe in or agree with divorce.
  • Agrees with me when I say “What part of Forsaking all others, and Till death do us part, do you NOT understand?!?”
  • Puts up with my nuttier/crazier/stranger moments/attributes.
  • Must be pro-life.

Miscellaneous:
(Nice/Fun attributes to have, but not quite needed.)

  • Owns/operates a firearm(s)
  • Has a college education.
  • Agrees with most of my political opinions.
  • Enjoys similar Movies/TV shows/Books.

[/quote]

:ehh:


#3

I think it would be hard for others to tell you what works for you…other people have different opinions and personalities that would want not the same things as you. I also think that having such specifics narrows your field a lot, not necessarily a bad thing since you seem to know what you want.:slight_smile: I am just saying perhaps you might want to give some ladies a chance before you say " oh, you do not fit # so and so, your out!" Especially the debt option and health care…if you want a college educated women, she will probably have debts…and health care is expensive and some younger women may not have been able to purchase it yet if not covered by their companies…
Just my opinion anyhow…:shrug:


#4

Ego, I'm sorry, with all due respect, I find your "shopping list of wants" to be, quite frankly, a bit insulting, so much so I question if your post is legit. If it is, how old are you?

The mere fact that you have a "list," at all, indicates that you may have all sorts of unreasonable expectations about marriage, as if you are going to pick someone off a shelf. No one, IMHO, will meet anywhere near all of the items on your list, and if someone does, consider yourself lucky if she would even go out with you once if she knew you were comparing her to some mental list you asked total strangers to pass on!

First, let's start out with what's missing from your list. Nowhere in the list do we see the following:

  1. "I love her for who she is, now, and she feels the same about me." --and it's corollary:
  2. "There is something about her that makes me understand that she is my perfect parter for me -- not perfect, but perfect for me, and I am for her." Call this "chemistry."
  3. You have no requirement for basic kindness, or a good heart.

Instead, you want her to own a gun??? She doesn't need to love you but it would help if she owns a gun??? And be good with kids??? Uh...would you like the gun in the house with the kids? If you want that, don't come near my daughter, friend!

Now, not only are her parents not allowed to be divorced, but neither are her siblings?

So as to your "list:"

"* Proportional.
* Exercises regularly.
* Keeps junk food intake to a minimum."
--Live this, first, before making demands of others. Moreover, the fact that you talk about junk food, but not basic kindness, rather speaks volumes, no?

"* From an intact family. ie: parents not divorced or single mother by choice (I’m not including widows and those who were dealt a bad hand by fate.)."
--Who in the heck are you to make the judgment that a woman whose parents are divorced is "not up to being married to you?" Shame on you. Judge not lest ye be judged.

"* Siblings, if any, are not divorced either."
--See above.

"* Gets along with my mother, father, brother and sister."
--HER family has to like YOUR family? Really?

"* Her family likes and gets along with me."
--Be kind, and a good man, with all it encompasses, and be good provider for their daughter, sister, etc., and they will. In other words, you control this 100%.

"Money Habits:"

--This has little to do with a happy marriage. Be happy if she has a job in this economy.

Personality Attributes:

  • Must value and expect loyalty from me.
    --You shouldn't even need to put this on the list. She BETTER have it from you.

  • Is good with kids.
    --And where does she get this from, if she's childless? And how would you know, anyway?

  • Agree with my ideas for disciplining children when it is needed.
    --And what are those? And how have you come by them? Anyone who even has such ideas, without actually having children, needs to grow up a bit.

'* Does not believe in or agree with divorce."
--Does that include when the guy is beating the heck out of the woman? Please be really careful with your sweeping demands.


My friend, if you sincerely want a list, try someone who:
1. Is kind;
2. Would make a wonderful spouse and parent;
3. Believes in God and is a practicing Catholic;
4. Loves you, just as you are;
5. Is smart enough to see that you too are all of the above, despite your being imperfect.

Most of all, be all of the above, and you will fill some nice lady's nice short list perfectly, and the smphony of married life will begin.

That's all the list you need IMHO.

-VdT


#5

*I'm stuck on...''owns a firearm, and has health insurance.'' lol :ehh: *

*But, the rest seem to be reasonable qualities ...if this is what you would like. I think that if you were to meet someone who loves God first, and believes in being the kind of wife that God seeks her to be (can't go wrong there)...you will have hit the jackpot...the rest of your list will fall into place, I believe. I have been married 18 years, and as time goes on, I'm just grateful to have a man who loves me for me, and I love him for him...and we put God first, in all things. It wasn't always this way, as we both had some selfish views of marriage early into the marriage. But, if God is at the center, the marriage tends to wish to bridge all ''wants'' and desires around Him...and what pleases Him, pleases each other. We have chemistry, see eye to eye on money issues, etc...but, we believe God brought us together...I think you should add that at the top of your list--God's will needs to be paramount in your search for a wife.

I think your qualities that you seek in a wife are fine...but life throws many a curveball at us from time to time...you might have to go to the drawing board a few times, to erase and replace qualities...that you'll find over time, will be of stronger importance. Good luck and God's best in your search for a good, Godly wife. :)*


#6

I’ve been laughing hysterically over your list, I’m sorry, but you did ask that people laugh at your jokes. I’ve been married for 32 years, with 5 kids, and I can’t help laughing.

Love isn’t anywhere on your list.
Just what did you think God sent you here to learn?


#7

[quote="VonDerTann, post:4, topic:187839"]

Please be really careful with your sweeping demands.


My friend, if you sincerely want a list, try someone who:
1. Is kind;
2. Would make a wonderful spouse and parent;
3. Believes in God and is a practicing Catholic;
4. Loves you, just as you are;
5. Is smart enough to see that you too are all of the above, despite your being imperfect.

Most of all, be all of the above, and you will fill some nice lady's nice short list perfectly, and the smphony of married life will begin.

-VdT

[/quote]

Agreed...:)


#8

[quote="whatevergirl, post:5, topic:187839"]
*I'm stuck on...''owns a firearm, and has health insurance.'' lol :ehh: *

[/quote]

Bahahahaaa! True....


#9

You know what I want in a wife? It's pretty simple. Someone who fits with me.

There. Bada bing...summed it up in one sentence.

Is this a serious post? I find it insulting.


#10

[quote="former_Catholic, post:6, topic:187839"]
I've been laughing hysterically over your list, I'm sorry, but you did ask that people laugh at your jokes. I've been married for 32 years, with 5 kids, and I can't help laughing.

Love isn't anywhere on your list.
Just what did you think God sent you here to learn?

[/quote]

Hey, that's true. :hmmm:

:(


#11

[quote="former_Catholic, post:6, topic:187839"]
I've been laughing hysterically over your list, I'm sorry, but you did ask that people laugh at your jokes. I've been married for 32 years, with 5 kids, and I can't help laughing.

Love isn't anywhere on your list.
Just what did you think God sent you here to learn?

[/quote]

THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS!

Not only love, but what about that innate feeling of giddiness when you see the person? What about when the knees go weak when she/he smiles at you? What about the feeling that you'd rather ignore the world than each other?

I could go on!

Dude-I beg you, please re think this. Finding a spouse shouldn't be like buying a car-making a list and then throwing a dart at a board. It should be much, much more romantic than that .

Some of the stuff on your list is important. But once again, my list is simple-someone who gets me. We can fill in the blanks later.


#12

[quote="Ego_Svm_Nemo, post:1, topic:187839"]
Okay, here's a list of qualities for any future wife I might marry in the future.

  • Laughs at my jokes. (Especially the stupid ones.) .

[/quote]

You mean, like this list?:rolleyes:

I think that you should print this out and give it to the girls you are dating. Have them answer the questions they can (from an "intact family", siblings not divorced, family likes you...), then give them a score.

After that, I'm sure at least some of them who don't own firearms are going to go out and buy one...

I have been married 26 years, and while I can say that my wife and I do indeed meet these criteria, to actually dismiss girls who come from a divorced family or who don't like the same shows you do is very shortsighted.

Quite frankly, if I was marrying age and a woman approached me with this list of attributes for a husband I would run.

I simply want someone who would love me and respect me for all the years of my life, and believes marriage is a sacrament that lasts a lifetime.


#13

Physical Attributes:

Physical attributes are "important" in some aspect since you have to be attracted to your spouse physically to have a healthy sexul relationship, but not the most important. If you are a man, then naturally you will see her physical appearance first and then her personality, but for women we tend to see the personality first and how that comes across tends to make the most handsome man look horrid to us. Keep that in mind. There is nothing wrong in the begining stages of dating that you look at physical qualities but do not let that be a make or break.

Family Attributes:

  • From an intact family. ie: parents not divorced or single mother by choice (I’m not including widows and those who were dealt a bad hand by fate.).
  • That is ridiculus....how are the choices of others that she knows and loves going to dictate her beliefs and actions. Many people see their parents failed marraiges and strive hard to never repeat them, so divoreced inlaws may be a good factor in her actions both now and present.

  • Siblings, if any, are not divorced either.

  • Read above...her siblings may not believe in the same things that she does and should not be a factor.

  • Gets along with my mother, father, brother and sister.

  • That is certainly a good thing, but should tno be a "quality" that you have on a short list. And again...what if her family is unworthy of respect ie abusive or there are areas of contention, such as their sinful behavior that she is against and says so, that causes a rift on the other party's behalf?

  • Her family likes and gets along with me.

-That depends solely on YOUR behavior. If her parents see something in YOU that they do not like, they should speak up if they care about HER future and happiness.

Money Habits:

-Certainly is a good quality that I cannot really complain about but again should not be a determining factor. She may, like alot of people, may not simply know about accounting technics and simply may have a hard time looking at issues like that. In the course of a relationship or marraige, the stronger party may take over all the financies (like my relationship with me mostly deciding what we should buy or hold off on) That is a skill that can be taught or frivolous spending can be controlled if they are willing.

-Debt is most likely going to be a factor. It is not the end of the world. As long as she can understand the importance of how to repay the debt in time, she should be fine.*

  • Has a 401K

-sounds like you are a gold digger almost and are caring more that she is successful or will be in the future.

Personality Attributes:

-Values are an important thing in a relationship. Pick out the ones that are important to you and then have a CONVERSATION with her about her views. THAT is the important thing. Communication!

  • Wants kids.
    -And if she knows that she cannot (physical issues) will you throw her away or be open to adoption or foster care programs, or simply living a childless life?

  • Is good with kids.
    -Like someone else said, how can you know how she will be with her own kids. Most childless peoples exposure to other peoples children is on a small scale in which they do not have to get up at 2 in the morning to feed, changes an amazing amount of diapers, actually has a huge say in the raising of that child and the decisions, doesn't have to deal with tantrums etc. Those are the important factors in whether someone will be a good parents. If they are good in those hard times, not the easy "let me hold my nephew or babysit for a night with having only limited power in making decisions for the kid"

  • Agree with my ideas for disciplining children when it is needed.

  • I am assuming you are talking about spanking. Please please realize that spanking is not the fix all. Can it be employed properly? Yes. Should you use it in every situation? Absolutely not!. Also with the raising of children, know that each child will respond to different discipline. Some do not respond to spanking and if you keep going, you will damage them. Same thing with loss of priveleges. If employed all the time with no variation or taking into account the unique personality of the child, you will damage them for life.

*


#14

Laughs at my jokes. (Especially the stupid ones.)
-That is simply egotistical on your part. She shouldn't lie to you to make you feel good about yourself, but should be an honest kind woman. I certainly would not laugh at dumb jokes, regardless if I loved him.

  • Does not believe in or agree with divorce.
    -that is plain dumb to use. That is how abusive women continue to get beat over the years, along with women whose husbands walk all over them, without respecting them, sleeping around constantly etc. How about TALK to her and get her opinion on marraige and what she foresees her responses in a marraige and that of her partners? Again Comunication!!

  • Agrees with me when I say “What part of Forsaking all others, and Till death do us part, do you NOT understand?!?”

-That is called fidelity, or are you speaking of a situation where you are trying to force her to choose between you and her family lets say? Are you saying that she should completely devote herself to you and forsake all other relationships with her family and friends, basically just listening to you no matter her own opinion or beliefs simply because you said so?

  • Must be pro-life. -Personally or politically? What if she beleives abortion should be legally allowed for instances of rape or incest but not anything else and that differs from your opinion? She is not working to help anyone choose abortion she simply has a personal opinion on certain circumstances that may not entirely fit yours.

Miscellaneous:
(Nice/Fun attributes to have, but not quite needed.)

  • Owns/operates a firearm(s)
  • This is again a personal preference that she does not value or want in her life. If gun ownership is important to you, then explain it. If she does not mind your operation of firearms but has no want to use them, you shouldn't place that down against her.

  • Has a college education.
    -For what purpose? so that she can make money for you? Or because it makes her happy and she wants a career. What if she wants to be a stay at home mother and simply raise her children?

  • Agrees with most of my political opinions.
    -Again...not really important. She has her own stake in politics and who she wants to run the country. My parents have two vastly different political views, they do not tell each other who they vote for, since it is not the other persons business but a private matter dealing with private opinions on political subjects. They have been married for over 30 years now although they vastly differ on a great many political stances.

  • Enjoys similar Movies/TV shows/Books.
    -You are again nitpicking.


#15

[quote="Ego_Svm_Nemo, post:1, topic:187839"]
Okay, here's a list of qualities for any future wife I might marry in the future. ...

  • Has a 401K

[/quote]

What about an Employee Stock Ownership Plan or a defined-benefit account? I mean, why narrow it down? ;)


#16

I apologize to everyone, that this is my third post here, but I’m still sort of irritated.

Some people whose parents where divorced might be MORE anti-divorce because they know the misery and pain it can cause!!

Porptional and excersizes? Why? So you can make other men feel jealous? What if she has a baby and can’t lose the weight?

College education? I hate to break it to you-but people who graduated from 8th grade are often more intelligent than people with a Masters, which I have!

I’m sorry…this still bugs me.


#17

I agree, I find the list a bit much... I mean really...

And especially the divorced part! Children are not responsible for their parent's divorce, why should they be held at a lesser standard because their parents made that choice? And the choice of their siblings?

My fiance comes from a divorced family. His father left his mother for another woman. Left her with a ton of debt too. What a wonderful guy huh?
Well, because of the life experiences my fiance had to go through due to his father, divorce is not going to be an option in his life. Which is why we've been dating for 5 years and didn't jump into marriage. It's a big decision.
Just going to show that not all children of divorce will want to go the same route as their parents. You can't choose the life of your parents.

Oh, and my sister is going through a divorce right now. Should I be held accountable for her poor life choices? I think not. I'm a lot different than her emotionally, physically, and spiritually. You can't judge someone by their siblings.

Anyways I think that some of those things shouldn't be on your list.

Some life choices are okay I think, like exercising and what not, because those are choices of the person. But to hold them accountable for things they don't have control over is too much.

And besides, many people change over the years and perhaps by the time you got to know them they'd learn the importance of say a 401K, and you can help them learn. To completely rule those people out who don't have the same things as you you'll be excluding a whole host of women.


#18

Family Attributes:

  • From an intact family. ie: parents not divorced or single mother by choice (I’m not including widows and those who were dealt a bad hand by fate.).
  • Siblings, if any, are not divorced either.

I think this one is unfair :(

so what if her parents or siblings are divorced, etc? it doesn't mean she'd be a bad person or even a bad Catholic. People come from all sorts of pasts and family situations...

personally, my "qualities" for a husband is just that he'd be a good loving, responsible person, a devoted Catholic, would love me and want a family.


#19

i'd say the list is too detailed. Here you seem to be looking for a directives to go by, objections to meet. i can compare this to my routine in daily life. i cannot stand to live in complete disarray not knowing what will happen next. On the other hand, i have before micromanaged my daily routine to a point where all of my activities were planned for the entire day before the day even began. This i also could not stand. There was no spontanaeity.

There is a balance that needs to be struck when it comes to making decisions in life as a whole. There should be some guidelines, but not too many. The list in my view should be shorter yet make room for more abstract things like "love".

There is a good saying i once heard which sort of ties into this. "One who lives his life strictly according to statistics isn't going to live a very exciting life."

All this said, there were some things i did like and would have on my own short list like "Yes, if your face and hands were burned off in a car accident I would still be by your side for the rest of your life." and i think the piling on of the OP is a little harsh.


#20

[quote="Ego_Svm_Nemo, post:1, topic:187839"]
Could the people who are married on this board, and especially those who have been married 20+ years as you have the most experience, please read over this little preliminary list I've made up, and tell me if I've set my standards far too high

[/quote]

Yes.

Should you find a woman who fits this bill, by all means, marry her. (Have you given any reason that she should *want *to marry you?) If you find no such woman, are you willing to walk alone?

[quote="Ego_Svm_Nemo, post:1, topic:187839"]
and that I should lower some of my expectations.

[/quote]

If you lower your expectations, will you be happy? Or will you be disappointed, and continually try to re-mold your spouse to fit the above list? (If so: Get used to disappointment)

:twocents:
tee


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