Qualities I should seek in a wife


#1

Again to go with what people suggested to me in my “Nobody…boyfriend” thread:

Someone suggested compiling a list of qualities I want in a wife. I have the following ideas, listed as “personal qualities” and “important qualities for marriage and motherhood” (“PQ” being personality traits, and “IQFMAM” being qualities vital to the success of a Catholic marriage):

Personal qualities:
-Quirky
-Spunky
-Funny
-Extroverted and outgoing
-Always smiling
-Positive

Important qualities for marriage and motherhood:
-Conservative Catholic
-Devoted to the Faith 110%
-Devoted to motherhood/strong desire to be a holy mom
-Gentle but strict with rules

One particular example (the only one I can think of) is a good friend of mine. I like her as more than just a friend, but in particular for a rather strange reason: because she’s going to become the most phenomenal, holy Catholic mother someday and I find that extremely attractive about her. She’s absolutely amazing around children and babies and her love for them is unbelievably beautiful and strong. She’s the type of woman who, when she’s around babies, just wants to pick them up and care for them! :smiley: So that motherly quality is definitely something I want in a wife.

What are your thoughts on how I should go about determining what qualities I want in my wife?


#2

Merry Christmas!

I think its wonderful that you are giving so much thought into finding your lifetime partner. Many people (myself included) find someone first and try to make that work instead of knowing what you are looking and seek them out. I suggest Steve Woods “ABCs of Choosing a Wife” - he has a great apostolate (Faith and Family in Greenville, SC and a wonderful resources for men (dads.org). There’s also a radio show from St Joseph’s radio with Jesse Romero that’s geared toward men - and there are many Mens Conferences.

You could start praying a rosary daily for your future wife. God bless!:gopray2:


#3

Happiness in marriage is found when two people find another who completely surrenders themselves for the other. So, as you or any other person evaluates others for marriage, look to see how they are in relations with their family, friends, coworkers, etc. Do they consider others first all the time, most of the time, some of the time, none of the time.
The more you find someone who considers others first, the more likely you will find long term happiness and the ability to forge agreements through the very difficult issues that marriage brings.
On the same hand, you cannot be selfish to find someone just to “serve you”, who loses themselve in you. You either contribute to a happy marriage by placing yourself behind your spouses needs, or you contribute to a disastorous marriage by demanding your needs are placed ahead of your spouses needs.
How can two people surrender to each other if they both place themselves second ? It just works out through Love and understanding.


#4

Don’t seek anything in a wife you aren’t willing to bring to the marriage yourself.

Don’t demand honesty and fidelity if you are not honest and faithful.

Don’t demand she be an awesome mother and caregiver and then resent her because she’s taking care of children and you want her to take care of YOU. You be a caregiver for her.

Don’t demand religious piety that you yourself don’t possess.

Too many people play that game and then make someone miserable who was a joyful happy person until they came along and started depleting them of everything and giving nothing back.

When you seek a wife, also ask what qualities YOU are bringing to HER.

Marriage is about giving, not getting.

Be the person such a wonderful girl would want to give her life to.

Good luck.

:thumbsup:

Oh… and nobody smiles all the time. Don’t ever demand that of someone. That tells me she isn’t allowed to express difficulty and disappointment around you. Right there you have put a barrier to honesty.


#5

10 When one finds a worthy wife, her value is far beyond pearls. 11 Her husband, entrusting his heart to her, has an unfailing prize. 12 1 She brings him good, and not evil, all the days of her life. 13 She obtains wool and flax and makes cloth with skillful hands. 14 2 Like merchant ships, she secures her provisions from afar. 15 She rises while it is still night, and distributes food to her household. 16 She picks out a field to purchase; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She is girt about with strength, and sturdy are her arms. 18 3 She enjoys the success of her dealings; at night her lamp is undimmed. 19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her fingers ply the spindle. 20 She reaches out her hands to the poor, and extends her arms to the needy. 21 She fears not the snow for her household; all her charges are doubly clothed. 22 She makes her own coverlets; fine linen and purple are her clothing. 23 Her husband is prominent at the city gates as he sits with the elders of the land. 24 She makes garments and sells them, and stocks the merchants with belts. 25 4 She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come. 26 She opens her mouth in wisdom, and on her tongue is kindly counsel. 27 She watches the conduct of her household, and eats not her food in idleness. 28 Her children rise up and praise her; her husband, too, extols her: 29 "Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all." 30 5 Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Give her a reward of her labors, and let her works praise her at the city gates.


#6

i don’t have much to add to your list but i do offer that she have a voice that is pleasing to your ear.


#7

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:1, topic:180779"]

Personal qualities:
-Quirky
-Spunky
-Funny
-Extroverted and outgoing
-Always smiling
-Positive

[/quote]

I'm sort of wondering what the value of this exercise is -- so basically, you're looking for someone who you're attracted to. That's fine -- presumably, if you are attracted to someone, you'll know it, and if you're not attracted to someone, you'll know that too. So why do you need to enumerate the reasons why you think you're attracted to certain people but not others?

Remember, the next girl that you're attracted to might be attractive for reasons that aren't on your list. Attraction is more of an intuitive quality (and not an intellectual one), and you're just going to end up confusing yourself if you overthink it.


#8

[quote="fbl9, post:6, topic:180779"]
i don't have much to add to your list but i do offer that she have a voice that is pleasing to your ear.

[/quote]

There was some study suggesting that we hear their voices as music anyway. :D That's why we register them talking but the words elude us. :D

Liberanos is right, as most of the time (dodge), and Kage is errr... fairly demanding, as most of the time. :D And right too. ;)

By the way, it's true you can't have someone happy all the time. Ain't gonna fly. And you've got to be there when she's down and sad. She's gonna wet your sleeve from time to time and that's part of what a man is around for. ;)


#9

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:1, topic:180779"]
Again to go with what people suggested to me in my "Nobody...boyfriend" thread:

Someone suggested compiling a list of qualities I want in a wife. I have the following ideas, listed as "personal qualities" and "important qualities for marriage and motherhood" ("PQ" being personality traits, and "IQFMAM" being qualities vital to the success of a Catholic marriage):

Personal qualities:
-Quirky
-Spunky
-Funny
-Extroverted and outgoing
-Always smiling
-Positive

Important qualities for marriage and motherhood:
-Conservative Catholic
-Devoted to the Faith 110%
-Devoted to motherhood/strong desire to be a holy mom
-Gentle but strict with rules

One particular example (the only one I can think of) is a good friend of mine. I like her as more than just a friend, but in particular for a rather strange reason: because she's going to become the most phenomenal, holy Catholic mother someday and I find that extremely attractive about her. She's absolutely amazing around children and babies and her love for them is unbelievably beautiful and strong. She's the type of woman who, when she's around babies, just wants to pick them up and care for them! :D So that motherly quality is definitely something I want in a wife.

What are your thoughts on how I should go about determining what qualities I want in my wife?

[/quote]

Always smiling? C'mon. That's unrealistic. Mrs. Brady and Mrs. Cleaver couldn't even keep smiling all the time. Real women don't smile constantly.

As for the motherhood traits--that's a tough one and I don't see how you can accurately evaluate this before a woman has had her own children. Both men and women develop their parental skills and style after they have children. Of course you can examine a woman's attitude toward children in general at family gatherings, etc. and I do think this is a good idea.

But a lot of women who show no interest in other people's children are still excellent mothers of their own children. I personally am not enamored of babies and I don't want to pick other people's babies up and care for them (I think most babies look like Winston Churchill), but I was a fantastic mother according to my own daughters, who grew up to be lovely and accomplished young women.

I just don't think it's wise to reject a woman because she's not "motherly" according to your standards.

Here's my suggestion as to how to find a good wife--date her for a long time and do lots of things with her that will reveal the real woman (and the real you). My husband and I dated for six years before we got married (we started dating when we were 16), and we did all kinds of things together.

E.g., any woman can make a good impression at a family get-together with her loving attitude toward all the little children--she can "fake it" for a few hours. A good way to see how you and the lady will be around children is to volunteer for a longer-term project that involves children. E.g., get involved with Vacation Bible school at your parish. Or volunteer at a community center that runs children's activities. Or commit yourselves as a couple to babysitting for young relatives on a weekly basis. (Your relatives will love you.)

Another thing you can do together is take on a project at your parish. E.g., volunteer to run one of the charitable outreaches. My husband and I did all kinds of church work before we got married.

Be sick. Yes, I'm serious. There is nothing like sickness to bring out the best and worst traits in a person. Before we got married, my husband had held my head while I threw up during a bout with Russian flu. And I came over to his house and kept him company after his hernia surgery (he was 18). We got to see the REAL person during these hard times.

Also, do spend a lot of time with the family. Not just a dinner or visit, but a LOT of time. My husband did a lot of farm chores with my dad, and I actually spent the night with my husband's family at quite a few of the family activities and get-togethers.

During a time of dating, often a couple will do their best to "hide" their undesirable traits. E.g., a woman will make herself up to look as beautiful as possible--nothing wrong with that. Or a man will avoid watching football during his dates--again, nothing wrong with that. But after a couple is married, there are plenty of times when a woman simply will not feel like making up. And there will be many times when the man will want to watch football! IMO, the courtship/dating period should be a time when all the "pretending" is gradually stripped away, and the couple learns to know the TRUE person.

E.g., one thing that a lot of couples "hide" very well while they are dating/courting is money issues. They don't let on to the other person that they have problems with spending too much, or perhaps the opposite problem of being too miserly. They don't tell the other person the true state of their finances, or even their true salary, and they certainly don't let it come out that they are terrible managers of money. They borrow to pay for exciting dates that they could never pay for in cash. Or they they claim that they would rather just "stay home and watch TV" when in reality, they would love to go out on the town, but they're broke as usual. Then the couple gets married and the awful truth is revealed, and that's when the fights start. Really, during a courtship, couples should completely reveal their financial situations so that each person can make intelligent, informed decisions about what they can and can't live with.

I hope this is helpful.


#10

That was very good advice, Cat. :thumbsup:


#11

I agree. It helps to be a good observer, too. Heh, personally I believe in just falling in love, though. Just don't tell my clients. Again, if you aren't a good observer, you can fall pretty bad.


#12

I agree with Cat...that the true personality can be easily withheld for periods, and can cause a lot of discord when it is revealed after marriage....dating or courting for long periods can help with this...you will start to notice things that either fall in line, or seem to be in conflict with how she presents herself.
It is going to take patience, but I believe that that will give you the strongest foundation for heading toward marriage. :)


#13

Cat, I love your realistic and sensible advice (usually do ;)).


#14

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