When I was in my 20s and single, I had two abortions. I was in the military and because of my age and marital status, they refused to do a tubal ligation. However, when I left the military at 29, I shopped around until I found a doctor who agreed to do the tubal ligation.
I don’t know if more background would be useful in helping to show me where my thinking is amiss or not, so I’ll offer it in that regard.
When I was a child, I detested ‘playing house’ when cousins came to visit. I was a tomboy and just didn’t like it. However, accomodating guests was expected and I did so. The odd thing was that I always got the ‘bad babydolls’. They would always do something to bug me and I would whip them with the belt.
High school … Whether biology or sex-ed, I can’t recall exactly, but I had a firm conviction one day that anything that came from my body would be evil - and that conviction never left me. While I enjoyed children, I had no desire to have any of my own; the plan at the time was to adopt.
I had been agnostic from the age of 17 (meaning I believed there was a horrible God of the OT but didn’t see Jesus in the world or my life). A short time after I knew I was pregnant, I experienced the awe of ‘life within’ while walking across a college campus one evening going to class.
The awe-moment was unexpected but in the reality of my life, I couldn’t see how it changed the other factors. I’d been severely depressed for about four years and regularly prayed before going to sleep that I wouldn’t wake up. I always set the alarm though because no matter how miserable I found life, it was guaranteed that the military could make it more so if I didn’t die and wasn’t on time for work.
After the experience on the college campus, I contemplated the possiblity of a different God than the one I believed to be ‘out there’. I said, “If there is anyone out there who can tell me that if I have this child it will be safe, please give me a sign.”
A couple of days later I was lying on the couch half-reading/half-dozing and suddenly had a mental picture of me putting a baby in the closet and closing the door. It connected immediately with my habit of spontaneously taking off in the car and driving for hours up the coast because I had to be AWAY from everyone and everything. And while I was lying relaxed on the couch at that moment, I knew that those overwhelming urges would be back around. What if I left for a couple of days? What if it was a ‘bad baby’?
Not only those things, but it already felt as if an alien had taken up residence inside of me. I didn’t want a child from my body any more than my mother had wanted me because of circumstances in her life (she had three other children two years apart with a miscarriage in between and I was only 18 mths from my brother in age).
Fast forward …
At 40 I became an alcoholic and at 44 found AA. I came to know the Holy Spirit and the Power of Forgiveness in the 5th Step of AA regarding a collosal sin that I swore I was taking to the grave - but became so miserably in sobriety that I finally (4 yrs later) did what I didn’t believe in - and did the 5th Step.
After that, I came to understand the ‘mechanisms’ of Confession. One must first wait for conviction by the Holy Spirit before true repentence is possible. I don’t get to lean on my own understanding and decide what is or isn’t a sin - any more than I get to dismiss convictions when they come to mind (like saying, that happened when I was a kid, it isn’t important…etc.)