Question About Finding Your Spouse


I read on a Catholic site that, with marriage, because there’s a short supply of willing people, some of us may not find our spouse. The site implied that people who are called to marriage sometimes don’t get hitched because their potential spouse is effing reprobate or some other b.s. Because of that, they have to buck up and live an unconsecrated single life due to bad luck. The link’s below. Does this make sense to anyone?

It’s the last paragraph under the subheading “Missing the Call”

Appreciate the imput, guys! Also, if you have any tips for a young single guy who gets paranoid about ideas like this, go ahead and post!!


It’s certainly possible to reject something God offers us, or to miss out on it through our own negligence or sin. But I have difficulty with the idea that God would “call someone” to something they can’t fulfill, through no fault of their own. “I want you to do this…even though you can’t.”

God foresees everything that’s going to happen, good or bad, and knows the best way to save us within that mess, even if our vocation would have been different under different circumstances. He works in the circumstances that unfold, not imaginary ones; and they unfold according to his sovereign will. If it is his will that my “primary” vocation is thwarted, so be it. And if I have lost it through my own fault, I can only beg for his mercy and grace to do the best thing I can do now.

I guess I don’t think it’s very helpful to dwell on “what could have been.” Is it possible that we miss our “ideal” vocation? Maybe. Suppose we did, now what? Take the highest road you can take now, under the circumstances that present themselves. What could be more pleasing to God?


Yes, some people refuse their married vocation.

But the thing is… There isn’t only one person meant for each person.

We can marry whoever we choose to live with. There are multiple choices. The messed up state of the world limits, but does not eliminate them.

We just have to look harder,


I think they should have phrased “potential spouse” differently. “Ideal fit” or “Soulmate”, sure, but saying “potential spouse” suggests that there is only ONE PERSON EVER we can be happy with. Is that the case? I have no idea, but widows and widowers who got remarried could argue, so I doubt it.

I wouldn’t worry about it. A Sister told me once, when God has a plan for you, He removes all obstacles. It may not seem like it as you get there, but it’s true. Example: My Mom gave up on guys, and was thinking about being single, when my now-Dad asked her out. She didn’t even want to go! And now they’ve been married almost 20 years. God works in mysterious ways, and sometimes, His plans take sooooooo loooongggggggg… But there’s a plan none-the-less, and it is NOT up to luck. Hang in there, and enjoy the journey while it lasts. :thumbsup:

(I mean, there are stories of couples in their eighties and nineties getting married for the first time, so it could be a while, but what will be will be. :P)


This. :hey_bud:

Do what you need to do to grow in maturity and to be prepared for married life, and don’t worry about the rest. :thumbsup:


God never promises anybody a mate, whether in Scripture or otherwise.

So if you don’t find a mate, that just means you weren’t “called to marriage.”




I read the link, and I think you are not understanding it fully if you say “their potential spouse is…” You are making the assumption that there is some one out there and you have to find them, and if you don’t, that they are somehow messing up, or you are messing up thisc**one ** and only chance.

Not true. As someone else pointed out, there are many potentials out there. It is up to you to meet them and start a relationship, to see if they are suitable **or not ** as the case may be. It’s not luck.

Too many people use the term “called” when they really should say desire. As GEddie said, if you are not married, you were not called, you merely desired marriage.

As for tips, stop saying"effing" in conversation, it is a turn off.

Beyond that, you have to get out and meet people. Contrary to popular belief, God does not drop a potential spouse out of the sky for people. :wink:


Here’s a video that talks about this.

Will I Ever Find the One?

This blogger believes that God arranges marriages. She clarifies that it doesn’t mean people don’t get to use their free will. After all, before the beginning of creation, God already knows everything we’re going to do, both right and wrong choices.

She also talks about what a missed marriage vocation is.


With all due respect, fin, this her personal opinion.
She sure uses the word “calling” a lot. :rolleyes: But again, I still think the word is used incorrectly.

If she believes that God arranges marriages, there would be no missed marriage vocations. If free will is involved, and one person did not cooperate, God did not arrange a marriage. If he truly wanted people together, he would have made it happen, but he doesn’t. He may bring people the opportunity to meet, but it’s up to them.


Yes, it’s her personal opinion. I didn’t post it here to mean that I agree with everything she says. That’s why I shared the video from Youtube. If you viewed it, you could see that Father Mike doesn’t quite agree with the concept of meeting ‘The One’. In fact in a separate talk Father gave, he mentioned about his sister who always wanted to be married, but isn’t.

As faithful Catholics, I think we’re realistic when it comes to marriage and relationships. Marriage and raising a family is no walk in the park. It entails a lot of hard work and sacrifices. Getting married doesn’t mean your life would a a fairytale.


Hawkmaid :thumbsup: That sister was so wise! It’s true: when God wants something for you, he does remove all obstacles.

I was married when I was 42 (don’t worry, once you hit 30, the years will fly by anyway :p) I’d previously been certain other man were ‘the one’ and it just never happened and I’d even driven myself demented praying that someone else would seek an annulment.

When an amazing man asked me out, who I felt totally comfortable with and could just be me, it actually scared the living daylights out of me! If there was a nearby whale, I think I would have hidden inside, Jonah-style! You see, my prayers had been answered and now it was up to me to accept my gift and start living my vocation. I couldn’t say, “but he’s married /addicted / laughs at my beliefs / drinks like a fish / has a mad ex / lives miles away…” I had to confront my own deepest desires and beliefs and deal with all the ‘baggage’ that made me cynical and afraid of just being the person God made me. I had to stop dwelling on the negative comments people tend to make about unmarried women over 30 (like “your sort are too selfish…too set in your ways…obviously not the marrying kind…”) and think instead about what I could do to bring happiness to this wonderful man.

:smiley: I even ended up saying to a friend, “the problem is, there’s nothing at all wrong with him: that means I have to look at me!” That’s when the penny dropped and I knew I had to put my fate in God’s hands and lay all my ‘baggage’ before Him!


Yes. Many people miss out on their vocation.

Sometimes through their own fault, sometimes the fault of others, and sometimes because of no one’s faults.


Another problem this causes if there are no people called to marriage who miss out on marriage, is then why are there so many failed marriages?

Also why do we have priest shortages then? Why would go give us the correct number of marriages but not the correct number of priests?


That’s false. CCC 1603 states that the vocation to marriage is written into our very nature. Mary Beth Bonacci, who is a speaker on catholic singles’ issues, points out that the pool is “poisoned”. THAT is why we have so many people who can’t find spouses.


Right vocation.

Wrong vocation.

Missed vocation.

Let’s all take a deep breath and remember that our ONE essential vocation is to belong totally to God – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

People like me – who totally messed up their earlier lives through rejection of God and blatant sin – still have the joy of growing in holiness throughout the remainder of our lives.

This is my vocation, to grow in holiness. This is done on a moment-by-moment basis, day in and day out, 24/7/365. :smiley:

God’s perfect will for my life may have been marriage, but the circumstances of my childhood and adolescence left me completely unprepared for choosing and living that vocation.

At the age of 48, there’s no going back now. So what? I’ve made a good confession (many, many good confessions, in fact) and have been forgiven. If God wills for me to enter into sacramental marriage now, He’ll lead the way. In the meantime, I just need to keep seeking Him, loving Him, serving Him, living each moment of each day for Him.

Yes, of course some people “miss” their vocation according to God’s perfect will. But that does not put them outside God’s permissive will. And of course, each of us has to choose God’s eternal will for our lives – to know, love, and serve Him in this life, regardless of what our state in life is.

Just my two cents…


For the same reason that there are seminarians who flunk out, or priests who leave. Because for whatever reason, they didn’t have what it took, or find within themself the means of meeting the call.

Also why do we have priest shortages then? Why would go give us the correct number of marriages but not the correct number of priests?

Having fewer priests than in prior times does not imply a shortage of priests.

The priesthood was sought more in ages past because it was seen as an admirable, desirable life. Young males didn’t have that many choices and the sacrifices required were not such a big deal when hardship was the norm. The same dynamic led to more monks and nuns then than now.

Today, there are many paths open to young men that don’t require the sacrificial life inherent in the priesthood. The numbers were bound to go down.



I guess it’s possible to miss your call. But I really think that if you’re CALLED to marriage/priesthood etc, God will make it happen.

I think some people are genuinely called to single life. But I think that sometimes the “single” vocation is bigged up a bit. There are some people who are single and not really happy with it.

I’m getting married soon, but I did discern the priesthood for a while, and even made my novitiate year in the Irish Dominicans. I know myself that I do not want to be single. If I never found my future wife/or if anything happened to her, I would be very happy to discern the priesthood. I know that I’m either called to marriage or religious life. Those are the only two options that remotely appeal to me.


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