If I looked at a currently primitive-living person in the buff (amongst the others) on a Discovery Channel and admired qualities of their physical makeup, would it be lu st (I put a space in this word to throw off the Sears internet lounge’s censors)? At one time, I did lu st with no confusion about it. It started during a fallen away time. In the past year or so, I’ve been just wanting to admire the bodies. I do feel aroused, but I don’t want it. I’ve had dreams that involved nocturnal emissions (which I know isn’t a sin in itself, but may point to lust) and don’t want that either. If I’m not wishing to make contact with that body in any way (if having had such a thought, but shut it off) am I seriously sinning? I tried to work myself out of my bad habits (not illegal and they were solitary–geographically anyway) by trial and error while exposing myself to those images and documentaries, which is very wrong and seriously sinful having enjoyed it the way I had been. I could have gone to Hell if I died in a car wreck after seeing them unless I got a miracle of perfect contrition with such habits. Without God’s grace, and His grace alone (not on account of my self-experimentation), I don’t believe I enjoy those images that much. I am sorry I did it that way. Any educated info. on this?
Not that I want venial sin either. It is a gateway sin and all sin indirectly hurts others’ spiritual good and complicates God’s work.
I ask because a priest said that I under obedience, am not to confess unless I can “swear on a stack of Bibles” I committed mortal sin. As a scrupulous person, that can make me disciplined, but very nervous. I don’t have a spiritual director either. Fr. Casimer “Cass” Kucharek wrote a very detailed book with good explanations and examples, though I am not 100% he is 100% reliable–having come up with an intermediary occasion of sin between near and remote that is like, I think, a “sometimes it happens, but not often”. I have wanted to make First Friday and Saturday devotions so I figured I can make that exception to the confession when necessary under obedience thing–I hope that’s ok.
PS If these are not mortal, are they venial–you know?