Question about Masturbation


#1

Hello everyone!

I am new to this site and if I am not posting in the right section, please feel free to let me know! I am an Army spouse and my husband is currently deployed. I am a devoted Catholic and do not approve of masturbation however because of our circumstances, I am very lost. We have discussed our thoughts on masturbation. What I would like to know is, because he is deployed, what can we do about masturbation and sexual tension? The question is about him, not about me.

Thank you


#2

Masturbation is a gravely disordered act, regardless of the circumstances.

A man can deal with sexual frustration/tension by finding some other outlet for his energy (exercise, prayer, etc...) and his body has its own natural way of dealing with a "build-up" of semen/sperm. The material can be reabsorbed into the body, or expressed during sleep in what many call "wet dreams".


#3

Even though he is not Catholic, does what you mentioned still apply to him? Whether or not it does, how can I go about expressing my concerns?


#4

Perhaps it may be worthwhile reflecting why there is an urge to masturbate, is it to express his love or sexual relief?

If it was to express love than love in its nature is patient, it can wait until you see each other again.

If it’s for sexual release then he is not presenting himself as a gift to you but rather an itch that needs to be scratched in a disordered manner....

To express your concern to him you can ask if he will subject his thoughts only to you while away from home masturbating? Can he say in his heart as soon as he finishes that he loves you?

May Mary the mother of God guide and protect you both.

God bless,


#5

My boyfriend is Catholic and he masturbates all the time. He used to try to not do it, but since he met me, he didn't try to stop anymore.

Masturbation is normal and a good way to release tension.

Here's a link for you:
webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/masturbation-guide


#6

[quote="SandM, post:5, topic:254559"]
My boyfriend is Catholic and he masturbates all the time. He used to try to not do it, but since he met me, he didn't try to stop anymore.

Masturbation is normal and a good way to release tension.

Here's a link for you:
webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/masturbation-guide

[/quote]

Does he only think about you when he masturbates? Would you be jealous if he fantasizes about other women in your place?

God bless,


#7

[quote="Augustine3, post:6, topic:254559"]
Does he only think about you when he masturbates? Would you be jealous if he fantasizes about other women in your place?

God bless,

[/quote]

No. He doesn't just think about me. Just as I don't just think about him. I'm not jealous. It's normal to fantasize. If he were to cheat on me, that would be different.


#8

He made it very clear to me that he will only think of me. My husband and I have a very honest marriage and I know he would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. However I am still having trouble coping with him possibly having the need masturbate. To be honest he told me if he were to masturbate it would be to release tension. We decided that until we make a descision on what is going to happen he will not masturbate. Even though he tells me he will only think of me, I still do not feel comfortable at all. I feel like in I stuck in a rut.


#9

[quote="SandM, post:7, topic:254559"]
No. He doesn't just think about me. Just as I don't just think about him. I'm not jealous. It's normal to fantasize. If he were to cheat on me, that would be different.

[/quote]

Why would it be different?


#10

The two posters discussing their 1) husbands and 2) byyfriends masturbation habits are 2 very different situations.

the church does teach that while Masturbation is a disordered, sinfull act, the guilt of the individual can be somewhat mitigated by a number of factors, such as force of habit, and stress or other mental states.

resorting to masturbation as a way of deliberately indulging in lustful thoughts is sinfull and damages your spirit, and your ability to respect the opposite sex. it teaches you that thinking of the opposite sex as objects of Lust is a "good" and pleasurable thing to do.

when masturbation is used to relieve stress or to aid sleep when that is difficult, or to purge unwanted lustfull thoughts of adultry or fornication it is still a sin and disordered act but the graveness of that sin may be lessened.

Only 2 people have lived without sin. and one of those was God Incarnate. - The other had a unique gift from God that will never be repeated.
For the O.P. I would suggest that while it is important to try to avoid this sin, it is something which dwelling on and giving an undue amount of attention to may be more harmful than discretely acknowledging that the situation is difficult, and that despite our best intentions we all fall and have to pick ourselves back up again.

I will comment for the other poster after re-reading her post.


#11

To SandM
I would challenge you:
By accepting this behaviour as "Good and normal" you are deviating significantly from what the church has taught for years.

You are subscribing to the teaching of the World, that Lust is Good. That is a lie. It comes from the source of all Lies.

You admit that you bot enjoy fantasizing about other people. Jesus taught us that if a man looks lustfully with a woman he has already committed adultery with her in his heart"

That works just as much for women. How much more are you committing this sin by not just looking lustfully, but acting on and nurturing that lust by indulging in it? You revel in the hedonism and promiscuity that western society tells us is OK. It is not. You are weakening your ability to remain Chaste before and after marriage. (For clarity: Chastity within marriage is fidelity to ones partner - not abstainance)

As one example of how this act can be damaging: I am married. I have struggled for years with this sin. - Less now that I am married than before, but I still struggle.
a couple of weeks ago I retired to the privacy of my bedroom & was trying to relax. I found myself unwilling to resist this temptation, despite an unusually strong calling from my conscience - (As a Charismatic I had what many Charismatics would describe as a "word" from Our Lady telling me to stop.) I chose to carry on.

When I went downstairs my wife came out of the loo with a Pregnancy test strip showing a positive reading!!! Our prayers had just been answered. I deeply wanted to celebrate this joy by re-comsumating our marriage, but due to my sin I was unable to do this.

This story is of a situation which you are not yet able to experience as you are not yet married, so I assume you are not yet living together and not yet trying to conceive (if those assumptions are incorrect you should seek to get married as soon as possible). However I think it illustrates how this type of sin can have unforeseen consequences.


#12

[quote="yjenkins, post:8, topic:254559"]
He made it very clear to me that he will only think of me. My husband and I have a very honest marriage and I know he would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. However I am still having trouble coping with him possibly having the need masturbate. To be honest he told me if he were to masturbate it would be to release tension. We decided that until we make a descision on what is going to happen he will not masturbate. Even though he tells me he will only think of me, I still do not feel comfortable at all. I feel like in I stuck in a rut.

[/quote]

Very few men are able to totally repent of this sin. Try not to let it get out of proportion.
as a comparison: If your husband was a smoker: (a habitual sin which causes massive harm to the body) you would let him know that you deeply desire him to quit, but until he is ready to quit, it is more harmful to nag about every individual cigarette. Especially when he is away in a stressful situation.

If your husband has a desire to try to quit this habit then I would recommend that you should support him in that, but DON'T get upset about the occasions when he falls down. Rather encourage him to get back up and carry on.


#13

[quote="anruari, post:12, topic:254559"]
Very few men are able to totally repent of this sin. Try not to let it get out of proportion.
as a comparison: If your husband was a smoker: (a habitual sin which causes massive harm to the body) you would let him know that you deeply desire him to quit, but until he is ready to quit, it is more harmful to nag about every individual cigarette. Especially when he is away in a stressful situation.

If your husband has a desire to try to quit this habit then I would recommend that you should support him in that, but DON'T get upset about the occasions when he falls down. Rather encourage him to get back up and carry on.

[/quote]

I know he has good intentions behind his need to masturbate during his deployment. He does will not have lust towards any other woman but myself. I know he is being honest about everything. I know he will probably fall down I know for a fact it will be very hard for me not to get upset.Many thoughts will linger, insecurity will take over and much more emotions. I will be honest. I do not see the point in masturbating, I have no desire too nor will I have the temptation too. I honestly feel very lost.


#14

[quote="SandM, post:7, topic:254559"]
No. He doesn't just think about me. Just as I don't just think about him. I'm not jealous. It's normal to fantasize. If he were to cheat on me, that would be different.

[/quote]

First it is not normal and against Church teaching to masturbate as it is alienated from the Natural purpose of sex and also incite's lust. As for your BF fantasizing lustfully about other women and thinking this is acceptable, it is obvious by women coming out with thing's like this just how clueless they are about men in general. If his mind and heart lust's after other women it will take little effort therefore when you are absent for him to engage in such act's. I think it's sad you both do this. Also why is it when he/you desire's other men/women in your mind and heart that you do not see this as cheating which in your eye's only occur's when it become's physical through the body, the body is merely a vehicle used by the soul in which his/your's desire's are already made clear.

One is not jealous to desire someone or to be wanted exclusively comparable to no other. A jealous person is one who does not even like his/her partner even engaging in dialogue with other's especially not in their presence, This unhealthy Jealousy is therefore a lack of trust. Is one badly Jealous because their partner lust's after other's or even pleasure's themselves over others??? I think someone would be very childish to say yes they would. There is a healthy jealousy though which is very small but is an expression of exclusive passion for another. For example, let's say you are engaging in dialogue with someone else, you are merely engaging in small talk while the person you are talking to is flirting very heavily, how many men and women would perfectly be ok with your partner letting this person heavily flirt with you and being perfectly fine with it. Your love, passion and desire should be for the one person you commit to and who commit themselves to you and no-one else.


#15

[quote="yjenkins, post:13, topic:254559"]

[/quote]

I know he has good intentions behind his need to masturbate during his deployment. He does will not have lust towards any other woman but myself. I know he is being honest about everything. I know he will probably fall down I know for a fact it will be very hard for me not to get upset.Many thoughts will linger, insecurity will take over and much more emotions. I will be honest. I do not see the point in masturbating, I have no desire too nor will I have the temptation too. I honestly feel very lost.

Perhaps it would help to explain WHY masturbation is a sin, not just the fact that it is a gravely disordered act. The "why" can help you see, and explain to your husband, what is wrong with masturbation and why it (or this concern) has you feeling lost.

From the Catechism of the Catholic Church (which you don't have to be Catholic to understand):

2352 By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. "Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action."137 "The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose." For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of "the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved."138
To form an equitable judgment about the subjects' moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety, or other psychological or social factors that lessen or even extenuate moral culpability.

So, it's disordered because the act itself is contrary to marital act...it is not a mutual self-giving to one's spouse. And I don't think he could honestly claim that it's the only way to relieve sexual tension. I have been in a similar experience, where I was forced to seek other means of releasing sexual tension in an non-sinful way. Prayer, physical activity, exercise...these worked very well. He may indeed experience a physical discomfort if his male fluids build up...but like I said earlier (and have expereinced), his body will take care of that on its own without him having to sin.


#16

I think I see what seems to be the implicit idea behind your post; he's under a lot of stress and he feels more tempted to masturbation. this is so because ejaculation releases endorphins that can relax him.

One feels more tempted to this kind of stuff when under stress, that's what happened to me in my tour in Iraq. ;)
No, it is still mortal sin. It is better for him to busy himself with activities in his free-time so he doesn't think about it.

I'll pray for him so his tour in the sandbox (or is Afghanistan a dirtbox?) will go well.:thumbsup:


#17

[quote="William_of_Ware, post:16, topic:254559"]
I think I see what seems to be the implicit idea behind your post; he's under a lot of stress and he feels more tempted to masturbation. this is so because ejaculation releases endorphins that can relax him.

One feels more tempted to this kind of stuff when under stress, that's what happened to me in my tour in Iraq. ;)
No, it is still mortal sin. It is better for him to busy himself with activities in his free-time so he doesn't think about it.

I'll pray for him so his tour in the sandbox (or is Afghanistan a dirtbox?) will go well.:thumbsup:

[/quote]

Isn't there also a lot of pornography in these kinds of situations? It's hard to avoid being turned on when surrounded by pictures of naked women. I don't know if this is allowed any more, though, with women being integrated into more and more units.

My prayers are with the OP.


#18

[quote="yjenkins, post:1, topic:254559"]
Hello everyone!

I am new to this site and if I am not posting in the right section, please feel free to let me know! I am an Army spouse and my husband is currently deployed. I am a devoted Catholic and do not approve of masturbation however because of our circumstances, I am very lost. We have discussed our thoughts on masturbation. What I would like to know is, because he is deployed, what can we do about masturbation and sexual tension? The question is about him, not about me.

Thank you

[/quote]

It seems as though your spouse wants your permission to sin.

You cannot be an accomplice to his sin. What if he asked your permission to go with a prostitute? You wouldn't agree.

Tell him you do not approve.


#19

Perhaps you do not feel comfort because you know deep down that your dignity may be compromised as one being used as an object of relief. Love in its nature is meant to a gift of self giving. When your husband is masturbates where is his gift to you? Where is the message in that act that says “I love you and I give myself freely and totally to you”?

It’s just food for thought to uphold your dignity as the daughter of God and wife to your husband.

God bless,


#20

[quote="SandM, post:7, topic:254559"]
No. He doesn't just think about me. Just as I don't just think about him. I'm not jealous. It's normal to fantasize. If he were to cheat on me, that would be different.

[/quote]

He may have not cheated on you in the body but he has already cheated on you in his mind and heart and vice versa.

Lust distorts the heart...

God bless,


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