I'm having a bit of a tough problem and I'm wondering if anyone can offer me some guidance or point me in the direction of some good literature to help me out here...
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now, with two wonderful children. We're practicing NFP and are right now avoiding pregnancy. My husband really doesn't want baby #3 at this time, and he's been using condoms during the times when I'm at my most fertile. I've told him that I don't want to use them, and that I would rather abstain, but that I'm not going to withhold sex from him. It's my understanding that for me, this is morally acceptable as long as I've clearly told him that it's not my desire to contracept.
He's been asking me why, just after or just before sex, it's acceptable for him to manually stimulate me to orgasm, but it's not ok for me to to the same for him. I understand that morally, a man should only orgasm inside his wife's vagina. I don't know how to explain that to him in terms that he has been able to understand, however. When I tell him that I don't want to manually or orally stimulate him to orgasm outside of sex, he says that I'm being selfish; that I'm withholding something from him that he gives to me freely. He says that for him it's a very intimate thing, that it creates in him a desire to give himself fully to me in sex... and that women can orgasm multiple times during one sex act, so it's selfish of me to deny him the same thing. It's really causing a problem for us. We argue about it all the time, because I truly feel that if I were to do that (stimulate to orgasm outside of my vagina), it wouldn't be fully respectful of him or to me. I've said it to him in those words, but he still doesn't understand why I would withhold this from him but agree to have sex with him even when he's using a condom. Both acts are removing the potential to create new life, so why would I object to one, and "go along" with another? As I said, I haven't really been able to explain it fully to him so that he understands it. He feels like I should go along with this, because withholding it from him is continuing to lead to fights. I feel really torn about it. He feels that I'm just trying to be overly righteous and rub it in his face... he feels like he's not ready to accept that part of Church teaching on what is acceptable for sex within a marriage, and that I should not be "jumping ahead" of him and force things on him that he's not ready to accept. I don't want to push him away by always trying to do what's right; I'm no saint and I have plenty of other things that I could choose to improve on. He feels like I'm just unwilling to give in; like it's a childish tantrum of me having to get my way. He feels like he's always the one to give in on matters like this. There is some truth to that, because I'm usually the one who is doing research into faith questions and bringing them to the table. I'm the type of person that once I find out something is wrong, I have a really hard time engaging in that behavior, because I feel guilty about doing something wrong. If I know that something is wrong and truly agree with it, it's hardly fair for him to ask me to take a step back and engage in that activity, but I understand his frustration at always having to change for me just because I'm ready to. So if I am ready to accept this teaching and he's very much against it, is really in the best interest of our marriage for me to hold my ground and fight every night about it? We're both getting very little sleep because of fighting about this issue. He feels that as long as this act remains between him and me, and as long as we do it out of love for each other, that it's acceptable. I disagree, on the grounds that the act itself is a selfish act, and therefore can not be used in a loving or respectful way.
I welcome any constructive comments or advice that any of you has. Hopefully this hasn't been too graphic/way too much information for you; I'm just really trying to understand this and understand how to explain it.