Question about submitting as a wife in this case


#1

*Most of you know, I’d like to move back to Pittsburgh. We decided against this summer, so we are shooting for next year, now. That said, I have made some nice new friendships here, and Florida has grown on me, one could say. Perhaps, I needed to just give it some time, and put a concerted effort more to developing friendships, and looking for the good here. We love our parish, etc…so if we were to stay here for a few years, it wouldn’t be a bad thing.

But, I still find myself missing Pittsburgh. I just do. I loved it there…so my question is…in discussing this with my husband over the past year, he said…’‘whatever you would like to do, I’m all for it…I want everyone to be happy.’’ Okay. Now, that we are growing closer to potentially moving next year…he has had a change of opinion. He said last night…’‘why do you want to go back there? With all that snow, I just don’t see the sense in moving back to all of those long winters.’’ (My kids and I like snow, not 5 months of it, but we like it–dh hates it) He also names other reasons he doesn’t want to go back…he has developed a nice career here at Disney, and he’d have to start over somewhere else, etc…that makes sense. But, I said…’‘where is your sense of adventure?’’ :o He said…’‘I’m a realist.’’ :stuck_out_tongue:

I don’t want to argue with him…I just said, well, maybe we should all keep praying about it, and see if God impresses upon us to move.

My question is…if my husband continues to ‘seem’ negative about moving back…as his wife, should I stop asking about it? Should I accept his stance, and we remain here? How far does submission go, in a case like this? We are partners in every sense of the word, but I don’t want to move back to Pgh, if my husband is really against it. It wouldn’t be worth it to me.

Your thoughts and advice are appreciated. *


#2

Take it from me, do not ever ask your husband to move, to leave his career. Men are designed to be the hunters, to ask him to give up his ability to provide will be a blow to his sense of self.

Don’t ask him to leave a good job. Just wait and pray.


#3

I don't think more discussion is a bad thing. If I was in Whateverguy's (lol) position, I'd want to hear all of my wife's feelings, and the kids' feelings too. Does he know exactly how you all feel?


#4

While Kage is partially right, I'd feel worse if my family was miserable.


#5

Oh yes! he does…lol Too much so. :o I decided to stop lamenting about things, and I haven’t brought it up for a while. My husband is very pragmatic, calm…reserved. Analytical. He views Pittsburgh in terms of ecnomy, and weather…he feels it’s a struggling town. He misses his mom, and definitely liked our life there, but he feels things have gone in a more positive direction for him here…and for us. The kids didn’t dislike it here, but from time to time, they will say how they miss Pittsburgh…their old friends. Truth is, my job relocated me, but only because I knew my husband wasn’t happy in Pgh largely due to the long dreary winters. Strange as it sounds, many people are affected by those long winters.


#6

[quote="kage_ar, post:2, topic:188290"]
Take it from me, do not ever ask your husband to move, to leave his career. Men are designed to be the hunters, to ask him to give up his ability to provide will be a blow to his sense of self.

Don't ask him to leave a good job. Just wait and pray.

[/quote]

Precisely, kage, what has been swirling in my head about it all...but he has great experience now in an industry that is actually growing in Pgh...there are supposedly a lot of hotels, casinos being built, etc...he could work there. I am not sure if career is the only thing...he really hated the long winters. I just don't see buying a house here though...I have found things to like about Florida, but I don't want to live here forever. I don't get the sense he does either..


#7

[quote="whatevergirl, post:5, topic:188290"]
* Strange as it sounds, many people are affected by those long winters.*

[/quote]

I am never surprised when I'm fighting some mild-to-bad depression come February. I usually am out of it by May. You need to factor in your husband's mental health too if winters affect him. Why not visit for two weeks during the winter, or go up there once per month or every other month?


#8

WG,
Hubby sounds like he just does not want to move. And you sound like you are making healthy progress in Florida, so why force your hubby into something? You said you can deal just fine where you are.

My vote is to stay put for a while and just see where the future puts you. A few years does not have to be Florida forever.

And your boys are the same age as my boys. They are getting older and in a few short years, they will not even factor into the decision. They will be off making thier own living choices.

You have painted a picture that looks like this…hubby is a “no” for moving and you are a “take it or leave it for now”…no real reasons for needing to move.

A job for your husband is a reason to stay put for a bit. Jobs are tight and if he has one, and you have a good job, then celebrate.


#9

I agree that more discussion could help and I agree that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to jeopardise your husband’s position in job matters. Are you sure it would be better in Pittsburgh or is it more, perhaps, about feelings, such as missing your old neighbourhood, not being able to accommodate fully in Florida, not happy with people or conditions there? Is there a chance that moving back north wouldn’t change all those things? Wouldn’t you miss Florida if you were to move to Pittsburgh?


#10

Is there anybody here in Pittsburgh within your husband's industry that can give you a real feel on the growth of the industry? I'm north of Pittsburgh, and everything I've heard is that the one casino is really struggling. There's a lot of anticipation on the table games turning things around, but I have to wonder how great that industry really is around here.

The idea of making a trip up here to see how much you really do miss this place sounds like a good idea. We are prior military and no matter where we were, I couldn't wait until we could move back to Pittsburgh. I love this city, BUT I became so focused on my old home town and I had a tendency to "romanticize" it a bit and I didn't realize how great some of the places we lived in really were until after we moved back. If you are so focused on what you had in Pittsburgh, you are never going to give your new place a chance to really work.

Pittsburgh is a great city, I do think our economy isn't as a bad as other parts of the country. But there are drawbacks just the same.


#11

*Gee, no one agrees with me. :smiley: Kidding.

I need to read these things…I do. Objectively, from people who are not close to me. I appreciate your insights and advice. I know you are right…in the sense of thinking through this pragmatically. jrabs, you are right (oh, I have a daughter and son, but no biggie lol) about the job market. Good points.

chev…what can I say? You have tapped into something that I might not want to think about…would moving back be the same as it once was? No. And is the ‘‘once was’’ what I’m missing? The once was, was really great though. :frowning: My dh points out that we wouldn’t have moved away if everything was perfect. I guess. I miss things like change of seasons…and the activities we did as a family surrounding those things…now, my son will be going off to college in 2 years…and my daughter is a teenager. I guess time just goes by, and things change. Maybe I’m having a midlife crisis. :eek: I find myself thinking back to my kids being babies again, and missing those days…missing my husband and I when we first married…I love my life currently, don’t get me wrong…but I find myself lately…missing the oddest things. *


#12

[quote="whatevergirl, post:11, topic:188290"]
*Gee, no one agrees with me. :D Kidding.

I need to read these things...I do. Objectively, from people who are not close to me. I appreciate your insights and advice. I know you are right...in the sense of thinking through this pragmatically. jrabs, you are right (oh, I have a daughter and son, but no biggie lol) about the job market. Good points.

chev...what can I say? You have tapped into something that I might not want to think about...would moving back be the same as it once was? No. And is the ''once was'' what I'm missing? The once was, was really great though. :( My dh points out that we wouldn't have moved away if everything was perfect. I guess. I miss things like change of seasons...and the activities we did as a family surrounding those things...now, my son will be going off to college in 2 years...and my daughter is a teenager. I guess time just goes by, and things change. Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis. :eek: I find myself thinking back to my kids being babies again, and missing those days...missing my husband and I when we first married...I love my life currently, don't get me wrong...but I find myself lately...missing the oddest things. *

[/quote]

Oh WG! :hug1:
It is very natural to miss your life here! Nostalgia and memories are very powerful things...:)
And as much as I would LOVE for you to return...:p maybe just wait out the year for now and keep praying! :)


#13

*That’s it! I think you all helped me think through this, and reading what I just wrote… I think maybe I view moving back to somehow locking in time…and we can’t lock in time, it just keeps on passing by. And my son is soon going to be applying for colleges…can I say I am crying typing this? :frowning: I know we have to let our kids grow up…but I miss those days of sleigh riding as kids…I miss those days in Pgh when they were little, so many many memories of so much…and oh my gosh, if I could just freeze that time and keep it in a box… :bighanky:

Okay, I think that could be part of it. I need to go wipe my eyes before someone here sees me. lol*


#14

[quote="whatevergirl, post:13, topic:188290"]
*That's it! I think you all helped me think through this, and reading what I just wrote... I think maybe I view moving back to somehow locking in time...and we can't lock in time, it just keeps on passing by. And my son is soon going to be applying for colleges...can I say I am crying typing this? :( I know we have to let our kids grow up...but I miss those days of sleigh riding as kids...I miss those days in Pgh when they were little, so many many memories of so much...and oh my gosh, if I could just freeze that time and keep it in a box... :bighanky:

Okay, I think that could be part of it. I need to go wipe my eyes before someone here sees me. lol*

[/quote]

:console: I may not be a mother, but I am the eldest of eight children...so I have a little experience with these feelings...but just think perhaps someday soon you will be playing with grand-babies! ...:) Think of all the lovely memories you will make with them!


#15

Well you could also book a mini vacation at Seven Springs or something to go sled riding! I don’t think you would have missed the major snowfalls this past month and having to shovel all that snow or worry about leaking roofs and whatnot. Let alone trying to save your parking space on the street with a chair.


#16

[quote="PatriceA, post:15, topic:188290"]
Let alone trying to save your parking space on the street with a chair.

[/quote]

Hahahaaa! True....


#17

*My dh just called me…I had a shaky voice…he said…’‘what’s wrong?’’ I didn’t say anything…he said…’‘Let me guess–Pittsburgh.’’ haha He said, no matter where we are, where we live, we are a family. :o I know this, and truly, on most days…I’m fine about it all…but every now and again…I feel sad about moving here. Largely, because I don’t find people to be as real here…and it’s very transient. I mean, some are–I have made some nice friendships. But the outdoing of the Joneses is very prevalent here. It’s hard to explain…it’s all about what you’re wearing, driving, where you live. I like to have nice things, but it’s not why I’m alive. Again, I don’t mean to broadbrush it like that,but where I work here, it is very much like that, and it’s smothering. I lived in a nice area in Pgh, but people who have money there, are still real. They don’t drive bmw’s and mercedes like here, and meanwhile their homes are being foreclosed on…it’s like, who are you trying to fool? I dunno. And they will be the snobbiest of them all…I just don’t subscribe to this. This fake persona of trying to make people think you have tons of money,but you don’t. (a friend of my husband’s who went through a divorce was buying all kinds of things…cars…motorcycle…and meanwhile, he isn’t paying his mortgage, and waited until the bank kicked him out??) I am not trying to judge, but this type of behavior wasn’t all over the place as it is in Florida, in Pittsburgh. People know who they are in Pittsburgh…they aren’t trying to be something they are not.

There’s just something about Pittsburgh people that makes it worth the shoveling of snow, the potholes, the dreary cloudy days…you have to live there a while to get that sense, I think. Many people who have never lived there look at me like I’m nuts when I say we’re thinking of moving back–they just don’t get it. :wink: *


#18

Thanks Lily for your thoughts. :hug1:


#19

*Ok…here’s another instance…I was in a meeting not too long ago, and before the meeting, there were two men who were making fun of another guy in the meeting, to his face…about the type of watch he was wearing. The men commenting were wearing rolexes, and they were jabbing the guy who was wearing I dunno…an ‘‘inferior’’ brand. I like nice things, I like quality. But, I don’t believe in bragging, and I couldn’t believe what was going on before my eyes with men in their 40’s!!! The guy took the jabbing in stride, but I felt bad for him. This is what I mean…I never saw this in Pittsburgh during meetings or in the office. Maybe people talked about trips they went on…but it wasn’t in a bragging sense…or a show off sense.

I could become the mayor of Pittsburgh… :rotfl:*


#20

WG - sorry, yeah I did realize you had a daughter - what was I thinking.

Did you ever go back and visit your old college? Or an old school? It just is not the same. They say you can never go back. It is true. The only “back” there is exsists in your mind.

Gosh, I loved loved loved my college years. I went back with a gang of friends to visit and it was not the same. Even though the same group of people were there with me all experiencing the events - it did not have the same feeling.

Then a few years later I dated a man from my college town. He lived there so I traveled to see him weekly. The town was the same yet different.
Friends move, people pass on, parishes change/close, time marches and we all are made different by the passage of time.

The poster who brings up grandkids has a valid point. You may want to move to where your kids eventually settle.

If Florida is pleasant enough for you, I am not even sure I would bring it up in discussion again for a while. You said you felt certain that God wanted you to move to Florida. Have you givin it enough time? His plan may take time, and perhaps God did not mean it for you but for the sake of your husband?


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