Question for women with stronger desire for intimacy than husband


#1

I have struggled with wanting to be with my husband more than he wants me since we got home from the honeymoon 5 years ago. I know that the reason his desire is so much less than mine is because he uses porn and doesn't really need me. Up until now I have just pushed my desires away and waited for him to come to me. Lately I have been tempted a LOT to take care of things on my own. Unfortunately I'm lame and have sinned a few times this way. I always end up hating myself because of it. My question is how do other women in this situation get through these hard times? I have prayed for God to help me think of something else when these temptations come up but sometimes my desire is too strong to want to ask Him to stop me. Please help me out if you have any ideas/suggestions! Thank you!


#2

Why would you even want to sleep with your husband with his use of porn? Be assured, he wouldn't be focused on you during sex, but thinking about what he sees on his computer screen.

I think you want him 'more' only because he is rejecting you constantly. Porn use is UNACCEPTABLE in a marriage. Porn means woman-hating, insane expectations, and decreasing sensitivity to normal sexual stimuli.

Refrain from sexual relations with him until HE gets this sorted out. In the meantime, enjoy yourself the way you see fit.


#3

[quote="IllinoisAtty, post:2, topic:216414"]
Why would you even want to sleep with your husband with his use of porn? Be assured, he wouldn't be focused on you during sex, but thinking about what he sees on his computer screen.

I think you want him 'more' only because he is rejecting you constantly. Porn use is UNACCEPTABLE in a marriage. Porn means woman-hating, insane expectations, and decreasing sensitivity to normal sexual stimuli.

Refrain from sexual relations with him until HE gets this sorted out. In the meantime, enjoy yourself the way you see fit.

[/quote]

I disagree with this bit of advise. Many men can be addicted to porn, and though they want to stop, they have trouble avoiding it. This struggle with pron does not necessarily lead to thinking about porn while being intimate with their wives. In fact, men who are truly addicted to porn can often view their desire for marital intimacy and their desire for porn separately. It would not matter if they had sex all the time with their wife. Their porn addiction would still get to them.

I would talk to your husband about his viewing of porn and see if there is any way you can get him to install safe eyes onto his computer. Him making an effort to stop viewing it can mean a lot. However, do not be mistaken. If it is a real addiction, he may very well look for ways to get around the program or to view alternative material to try to get off that the filter does not filter out (like searching on wikipedia for any remotely sexual image). Be supportive of him and patient with him. Many men today are not raised in households where viewing porn is condemned. Some families actually view it as perfectly normal behavior. As such a boy who starts viewing porn online at 14 can have a very ingrained habit or addiction by the time he starts coming into the faith or gets married.

In regard to your own desires, it is still sinful to resort to other behaviors to "satisfy" yourself. Make sure you are going to confession regularly and strive with the development of your own sexual self control. I really don't have any other advise beyond that, however, as this goes beyond the realms of my experience.


#4

Is your husband a Catholic? Does he go to Confession when he sins by watching porn, etc.?

Here's a couple of good talks on this topic that may help him with his addiction (yes, it's an addiction):

alabamacatholicresources.com/Downloads/The_Poison_of_Pornography.mp3

alabamacatholicresources.com/Downloads/Conquering_Lust_by_Father_Kenneth_Dean.mp3

Remember, in marriage, we are all supposed to come as a servant. Always. A servant does what the "master" wants, or doesn't want. You are there to serve him. He is there to serve you. If you are not being served, then it's not your shortcoming, it's his. But pray for him, and offer penance and sacrifice. Fasting helps.


#5

[quote="IllinoisAtty, post:2, topic:216414"]
In the meantime, enjoy yourself the way you see fit.

[/quote]

Masturbation is a mortal sin.


#6

Yes he does have an addiction. The problem is that he doesn't want to get help for it. It seems like he thinks it's an impossible issue to get over. I've installed safe eyes on our computers before but now he uses his iPhone. Thank you for posting those links. I was able to listen to the first one so far and it was really good for me to hear. I'm sure it would be good for my husband to hear! He is Catholic but hasn't gone to confession in years. He says that he doesn't feel like he's ready yet. I don't push him because I want that to be something that he wants not what I want for him.
I haven't tried fasting before. That might help me. The problem is that it's not an addiction because it's so rare that it happens. The problem is that I don't know when I'm going to be tempted. I could be doing great praying the rosary everyday, going to adoration and Mass and then all of a sudden I slip. I will rationalize with myself before doing anything 'well it's been over a month since we've been together so I can take care of myself since that's what he's been doing' and then I feel like such a horrible wife and mother after. What can I do before the slip to stop things from going downhill? Obviously thinking that he's doing it too isn't the right thing to be doing.


#7

Mommyjessica,

This is actually a tough situation. My $0.02:

OK, he's addicted to porn, & won't seek help, and thinks it's impossible to get over the addiction. That's bad enough.

Now, his addiction is making life harder for you, since your needs are not being met.

IMHO, the advice of "refrain from sex until he sorts this out, and in the meantime do what you want," is emotionally vacuous (and theologically unsound). Why? Because it reflects you withdrawing from him, because he's withdrawn from you. That solves NOTHING, and instead makes things worse: Each party retreating from the other IMHO leads to both parties separating...first emotionally, then separate beds...then bigger separation.

The answer IMHO: Communicate...perhaps forcefully. What he's doing is wrong on many levels, and IMHO you, and your marriage, are owed a better effort than that. Tell him so. Ask him if he really thinks you deserve a porn addict as your husband.

I sincerely hope it works out...but he has to want it to. Perhaps you can help him want to, by directly addressing it.


#8

Mommyjessica, it is natural and right to desire to be with your husband in that way. :hug1:Dear heart, stop a moment, though, and think about if it is even possible to fill that desire "by yourself", and you must know it cannot be done. You cannot be fulfilling your need to be with your husband while you are alone. You must be fulfilling some other desire at that time. Do you know what that desire is?

For me, who indeed has been in your shoes, which is why I am writing, I am ashamed to admit part of it was jealousy. Truly though, I know you are not me, so you need to answer the question for yourself, rather than to take one of my answers.

Time helped immensely, by the way. Though that is pretty cold comfort, at best.


#9

[quote="kib, post:5, topic:216414"]
Masturbation is a mortal sin.

[/quote]

Technically, masturbation is a gravely disordered action, but not a mortal sin in every case. For any gravely immoral action to be a mortal sin, the action must also be chosen freely and with appreciation of its gravity. Masturbation is not a mortal sin without the last two conditions being met.

To clarify what I mean, look at this entry from the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

*2352 **By *masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. "Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action."137 "The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose." For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of "the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved."138

To form an equitable judgment about the subjects' moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability.


#10

My husband seems to be frustrated with me so I’m not sure if me asking him if I deserve a porn addict as a husband would do much. He’d tell me that I need to be better at my issues before I can correct him. I do want to talk to him about how hard it is on me but he always gets so defensive. I am always afraid to being it up because our good times are so good I don’t want to mess them up, then obviously bringing it up during one of the bad times is not smart. I just need to not worry about messing up the good time and do what my family needs me to do. I don’t want to be dealing with this still when the kids are teens.
I think that part of my problem is jealousy also but I think it’s partly wanting the physical feeling. Sorry if that’s TMI. In a perfect world we would only want that physical pleasure from each other. I love the way that I feel when we are there for each other emotionally and physically! That’s the best! But I haven’t felt that way since the first year of marriage. We both have so many issues with the other and he has been avoiding even marriage counseling. It seems to me that if we got help with each of our issues then neither of us would be going in to ourselves for pleasure but to each other. How did you get over your struggles Pug? Or would you prefer not to say.


#11

[quote="EasterJoy, post:9, topic:216414"]
Technically, masturbation is a gravely disordered action, but not a mortal sin in every case. For any gravely immoral action to be a mortal sin, the action must also be chosen freely and with appreciation of its gravity. Masturbation is not a mortal sin without the last two conditions being met.

To clarify what I mean, look at this entry from the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

[/quote]

I was going to qualify my statement initially but I was too lazy. thanks.


#12

[quote="Mommyjessica, post:10, topic:216414"]
How did you get over your struggles Pug?

[/quote]

Well, my pat answer to that is grace and the Holy Spirit! :) But that doesn't help much. You and I were in slightly different spots. I wasn't convinced doing it myself was wrong back then, which allowed me to hold reservations about any of the other teachings about chastity too. A little voice suggested I try it God's way, so I quit anything against chastity, and God graciously showed to me by experience that I felt whole by doing it His way. I knew it was better this way. Knowledge like that made certain behaviors less tempting overall. Not just knowledge, though, but habits of mind over time.

Desire remained, though, for a very long time. I found that my principal trigger was my husband himself, and my feelings about him. I had to avoid interactions with my husband that triggered or aggravated the problem, or else mental interactions, where I thought about my husband. For a simple example, I cannot allow myself to admire my husband's shoulders from across the room. I can go from there to mentally calling him Mr. What a Waste, in an acrimonious vein. Now, if something positive could come of admiring his physique, then I'd go for it. But in our marriage, nothing can. I guess I could summarize by saying I have tried to learn how to let desire lie quietly, undisturbed.

I still struggle now and then, though!


#13

[quote="EasterJoy, post:9, topic:216414"]
Technically, masturbation is a gravely disordered action, but not a mortal sin in every case. For any gravely immoral action to be a mortal sin, the action must also be chosen freely and with appreciation of its gravity. Masturbation is not a mortal sin without the last two conditions being met.

[/quote]

Same could be said of viewing porn or any other sin. Masturbation and porn are always grave matter and has grave consequences. The fact that it might not meet all the requirement of being "mortal" may be somewhat comforting if you are about to crash in an airplane, otherwise if one commits a potentially mortal sin, go to confession ASAP.

By denying her the marital debt, he is compounding one grave sin on top of another. This is a clear example of why denying the marital debt is (potentially) a mortal sin. Because the refused spouse may give in to temptation to mortal sin.

OP, believe me I'm not saying what I am about to say to be judgmental, I truly want to help you. Next time you are tempted to commit an impure act, it may help to realize that what you are about to do is no better than what you husband is doing (although he is way farther down the road). You to could end up in a similar situation as him if you give in and then do not repent. You certainly won't be helping him.

You say that he is not ready to go to confession over this. That at least implies that he may want to get cleaned up. There is hope.

You should meet with a good priest and go over all of this. Were you aware of his problem before you were married?


#14

OK, maybe this is a stupid question, and maybe I’m missing something, but…

When you feel “tempted”, couldn’t you just go to your husband?

Are you still waiting for him to come to you? Why?

Do you not want to make love with him, because of the porn? Or are you assuming that he doesn’t want it because he doesn’t initiate it? Do you know for sure that he prefers the porn to a real encounter with you?

When is viewing porn? After you go to bed? Do you ask him to join you in the bedroom? Or is he waiting around to sneak in his porn time? Perhaps you guys have allowed yourselves too much time apart from each other in the evenings?

Of course, there may be a lot more to the story…


#15

Pug, thank you for sharing. I hope I can get to where you were able to be with wanting to do things God’s way just because it made you feel best that way. I know I need some help with my relationship with Him. I view Him as so distant and myself as so small and unnecessary to His plan for the world. I know that’s not true but it’s hard to see otherwise.
Whm, you are totally right and don’t come across as judgmental at all! How can I really expect him to stop if I do the same thing. No, I don’t look at pics or do it as often but that is irrelevant. I need to stop trying to get even and work on being a better person for both of us. If I were to get addicted that would only compound the issue and possibly cause to us split up and I would feel horrible knowing that I caused that.
I didn’t know as much about porn and the addiction before I got married. He did tell me that he would look at porn if the two of us went too far physically before we were married. If I knew then what I know now about porn I would have made sure that he got help and was over the addiction before we were married.


#16

I have stopped initiating because I always get rejected. It’s actually embarrassing for me to try to seduce him now. I assume that he looks at it when he “goes to the bathroom” because he always brings his phone with him. We do go to bed together every night, he’s just usually too tired to do anything. I’m still hopeful that this will all get better once the porn is gone. Maybe at that point he won’t mind if I initiate. I don’t know though.


#17

Again, I really don't have enough experience here, but I know when I was reading Gregory Popcak's book, Holy Sex, he mentioned that a lot of sexual problems arise from other problems going on in the relationship.

I really doubt that viewing porn would be the primary reason a man would refuse to be with his wife for so long. I know men who have a porn problem, who have safe eyes on their computer, but still look for alternatives, go to confession and struggle. I really don't think porn addiction by itself leads to denying sexual intimacy with their wives.

It sounds to me that the sex thing is a symptom of a larger issue going on in your marriage. Granted, who am I to give advise? I've only been married for 6 months.


#18

[quote="twoangels, post:17, topic:216414"]
Again, I really don't have enough experience here, but I know when I was reading Gregory Popcak's book, Holy Sex, he mentioned that a lot of sexual problems arise from other problems going on in the relationship.

I really doubt that viewing porn would be the primary reason a man would refuse to be with his wife for so long. I know men who have a porn problem, who have safe eyes on their computer, but still look for alternatives, go to confession and struggle. I really don't think porn addiction by itself leads to denying sexual intimacy with their wives.

It sounds to me that the sex thing is a symptom of a larger issue going on in your marriage. Granted, who am I to give advise? I've only been married for 6 months.

[/quote]

What you are saying makes sense and I don't think you have to be married for a long time to know that. Porn addicts a lot of times turn to porn because of an underlying issue. I know my husband has issues and I know that some things that I do or don't do irritate him which can make it tough to want to be with me. That's why I wish we could talk to a marriage counsellor. I just can't force him to go though, so I wait and try to find another way to bring it up so that he might actually want to go someday. If he did that and go to SA meetings I would be on cloud 9 :-)


#19

As a husband who is searching for answers to very serious marital problems, I found this thread very interesting and would love to hear some advice or recommendations from the wives out there (and husbands too!).

I have been married for 8 years - without much intimacy with my wife. Our dating relationship was satisfying and I could not have asked for more. I was thrilled with this woman who knew how to please me and who was the object of my desire.

Shortly before we were married intimacy started to taper off. I always thought it was the stress of marriage planning, etc. causing the lack of sexual encounters. Our wedding night was blissful and I was looking forward to continued intimacy for a long time to come. 2 weeks later we found out we were expecting. Suddenly…the intimacy came to an abrupt halt. She had many issues related to the pregnancy so I thought this is why we had very infrequent encounters…they were a very rare occurrence. After birth, we had a 3-4 encounters over a 15 month span that resulted in our second child…which also meant sex stopped again.

Porn has been a part of my life since I was a tween. It was not as accessible 25-30 years ago as it is today (thank God!!). In high school and college I was not a chronic masturbator although I did do it just like every other guy I knew. We were actually taught that masturbation is very healthy and good. I had many sexual partners before I met my wife. In my late 20s and early 30s I always had porn on hand and discovered the internet had a lot of it to offer. I did not use porn much when I was in a relationship…I was typically very satisfied with my partners.

When we were dating, my wife knew I occasionally viewed porn. She would joke about masturbating and “check” to see if she could tell if I did it recently. She would also masturbate and tell me. We even watched a couple of x-rated movies that she had in her own possession. Porn never seemed to be a problem for her prior to our marriage.

Our spiritual background: We both were born Catholic. I stopped practicing in college. She was a devoted Catholic who even taught Catholic Sunday school when we met. I wanted to get back to the Church and when we decided to marry, I felt she would help me get back into it.

Fast forward to now — It has been 27 MONTHS since we have had any form of sexual encounter. The last time being when our third child was conceived. In eight years I think we have has sex no more the 9 or 10 times. We have been through 4 martial counselors who have tried to deal directly with the porn issue. I initialed sessions with a sex-addiction counselor and, at the same time, we were also seeing a counselor who focused on porn/mastb addictions.

I realize that my past porn use makes me predisposed to have an addiction to it, however, both of my recent counselors say they don’t see it as an addiction but rather a compulsive behavior to deal with the broken marriage and the lack of sexual satisfaction

I have learned from the counselors that our broken marriage is keeping the addictive cycle in place. It is my frustration/anger with her and my constant loneliness that keep me from breaking free.

The true test would be to have sex with my wife on a regular basis (whatever that is???). If I still return to porn, I guess I would then be considered the sex addict she makes me out to be. I WOULD LOVE TO PUT IT TO THE TEST!!!

Our Archdiocese made a big push a few years ago to bring porn addiction into the limelight. My wife then decided to hang her hat on this issue and make it the primary reason for everything wrong in our marriage. So I swallowed my pride and did everything she asked me to do. I unplugged the home computers and stored them for several months. During another time period, I gave up masturbation and porn for 6+ months using my counselor as an accountability partner. I installed accountability software…but she never checked the results. I could write 100 more pages on the steps I have taken to “fix” my problem make this marriage work…but the bottom line is I do not know what else to do and I cannot do it without her participation.

And YES, through all of this, I have constantly prayed for our marriage to work but I guess I am too “lukewarm” to be heard. I know what I do is a serious sin and have recently gone to confession (after 20+ years). One of the most bothersome things to me is that I feel that our marriage is a total SIN without the intimacy God intends a marriage couple have together (ie: Theology of the Body). I would like to show my children an example of this.

My wife’s take is that I’m an addict and I have not shown her I will ever get better. She has completely shut down any hope of sex with her. She has refused to go to counseling b/c she feels this is ONLY my problem and when they want her to meet and talk of it being “our” problem and how to fix it ………she refuses to take it further. I have begged her to make appointments. Still nothing.

Our last blow up 2 weeks ago, she asked if she should buy me a hooker to take care of my sexual needs. I told her…”No, that would be the easy way out, I want you to take care of OUR needs.”

With all of this said…I would love more than anything to have the intimacy with my wife that God intends. She is still the ONLY object of my desire. For me …porn is a substitution for not being with her. I constantly fantasize about our previous encounters…even while viewing porn. I truly believe if I could have her every night, I would never have a desire to do anything else.

Any advice for this situation???


#20

I’m totally excited today! I asked my husband (probably the 10th time in three months) if we could start marriage counceling and he said sure…he almost sounded happy to do it! He asked me to see if we could try to do something on Friday since that’s his day off. I don’t know what changed. The only thing I can think of is you all must have been praying for us :slight_smile: I haven’t done anything different. So thank you to anyone who has prayed for us! I’m sure you will be rewarded in Heaven! I really hope and pray that counceling will help both of us with our issues.


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