Question re: emailing illicit photos


#1

Is this a common practice in other areas? Several of my husband’s so-called “friends” email him illicit photos of all kinds of women (usually without any clothing, some with very little) on an almost daily basis.Some involve male “humor” and captions; others are just the photos. We have discussed it, and he thinks there’s nothing wrong with it and won’t ask them to stop. Some of the friends are Catholic, and most are at least Christian and married. They even occasionally email him links to free website videos with even worse “action” scenarios.

My question is this: Does this happen all over, or is it limited to certain areas of the U.S. such as where I live? He says he is working at stopping looking at the free website videos because he knows how much it upsets and hurts me (and how it is affecting our marriage), but he seems to have no desire to stop receiving or looking at the emailed photos.

Do women email these types of things also? He thinks many women are just as bad as men in this regard, but I’ve never received such things from my friends and find the entire practice extremely degrading and sinful.


#2

I think this type of this is common for middle aged men. I’m only 23, so take this for what its worth, but during my limited time in the professional world I have noticed that the majority of the men I have worked with are constantly talking about sex / women and often look at things like this. Over the summer I was in a coworkers office with some other men and immediately after an attractive woman walked passed they all made comments about what they wanted to do to her etc. They also loved to show me illicit pictures and short video clips of all kinds of garbage including naked women. It was the same deal during the four summers I worked as a custodian at a state park. All of the men I worked with constantly talked about sex and women. All I could think was “aren’t I supposed to be the one acting like this since I’m so young?” I don’t get it.


#3

I think your husband needs a new set of friends and to stop using his current friends as an excuse for doing an activity that is objectively evil and subjectively causing you pain and inflicting severe damage on your marriage. No normal man who has left young adolescence is fixated on this type of thing.


#4

I'm 26, my husband is 28. We were both raised in the Midwest and are college educated, as are most of our acquaintances. This is not common among our friends, coworkers, or classmates (many of whom are atheist or agnostic).

I think that my generation, generally, has been raised to be more appalled by objectifying women...and more fearful of getting fired for sexual harassment if inappropriate emails appear in their inboxes.

(Also, I find it extremely unlikely that women do this as frequently as men, mainly because society doesn't cram images of sexualized men down our throats; whereas sexualized images of women are commonplace.)


#5

[quote="puzzleannie, post:3, topic:179482"]
I think your husband needs a new set of friends and to stop using his current friends as an excuse for doing an activity that is objectively evil and subjectively causing you pain and inflicting severe damage on your marriage. No normal man who has left young adolescence is fixated on this type of thing.

[/quote]

What she said.


#6

NO!

FYI--DH and I are very early 30s. DH is high ranking in his company. We've lived mostly in south east states.

He does not get such photos.

I do not get such photos.

He would not like to see any of his employees passing around such photos. Ummm, hello, sexual harrassment lawsuit? I would be embarrassed, mad, feeling disrespected if my male coworkers in the next cubicle over were using company computers and email accounts to degredate my gender. You work at work, not giggle and snicker about disgusting photos. Right now I work at home--I would not expect less in my home environment! If I'd be offend by my business partner Jim looking at those pictures while I'm typing up a report next to him, I certainly would be offended if my partner-in-life were looking at those pictures while I'm giving the kids a bath.

I hate that people like your husband are trying to "normalize" this behavior. If he had gasped and been offended at the first picture, there would not have been a second and then he would NOT think this was "okay" and "normal." You teach people how to treat you. HE taught his friends that he likes getting these things. I guarantee there are other friends who are not subjected to these images because the senders know they would not tolerate it. Your husband chose to fill his world with, frankly, heartbreaking, and probably evil pictures . . . my husband and I chose differently.


#7

It happens all the time in Texas. I know very few men who don’t do it, of all ages.

One accidentally forwarded one to me and I thought he was going to die!! Now he was an executive his 50’s.

I think it scared him. I’m used to being around all guys so I am not shocked by anything.

I sent one back with women humor and pms/men jokes.

Never accidentally received one again.

I think more men send them than many realize, they just do not tell you. They forward them back and forth to all their buddies.


#8

Sounds like a porno ring…my question would be how far into this is he? How many of his friends are involved with this business online. Perhaps you are a bit too naive and trusting and he finds it easy to give you a bunch of lines…I would also wonder about the age of some of these “women” in the videos…some young teenagers can pass as adults. And lots of perverts just love young teenage girls. I would absolutely cringe if I was in your situation and had children, knowing that he & most of his friends are into this. Especially if my daughters were entering puberty or older…I’m cringing now

I would recommend you educate yourself about this behavior…for your own sake and that of your children if you have any.


#9

[quote="puzzleannie, post:3, topic:179482"]
I think your husband needs a new set of friends and to stop using his current friends as an excuse for doing an activity that is objectively evil and subjectively causing you pain and inflicting severe damage on your marriage. No normal man who has left young adolescence is fixated on this type of thing.

[/quote]

Could not have said this any better myself, so I won't try.


#10

I don’t get emails like that because people know me. People who continue to receive emails like that do so because they want to. Plain and simple.


#11

[quote="kib, post:2, topic:179482"]
I think this type of this is common for middle aged men. I'm only 23, so take this for what its worth, but during my limited time in the professional world I have noticed that the majority of the men I have worked with are constantly talking about sex / women and often look at things like this. Over the summer I was in a coworkers office with some other men and immediately after an attractive woman walked passed they all made comments about what they wanted to do to her etc. They also loved to show me illicit pictures and short video clips of all kinds of garbage including naked women. It was the same deal during the four summers I worked as a custodian at a state park. All of the men I worked with constantly talked about sex and women. All I could think was "aren't I supposed to be the one acting like this since I'm so young?" I don't get it.

[/quote]

Yes, he is definitely "middle-aged," (and most of the senders are also) so maybe it has something to do with that. They're being sent to his home email account, not to an office, but I know what you mean about conversations like that among some men in a work environment from overhearing some things where I work.


#12

[quote="bmaj, post:1, topic:179482"]
We have discussed it, and he thinks there's nothing wrong with it and won't ask them to stop.

[/quote]

Well there is your answer right there. He seeks it out. He hangs out with men who seek it out. He sees "nothing wrong with it" and hangs out with others who see nothing wrong with it.

It has nothing to do with where he is geographically. It has everything to do with where he is in his relationship with God and the formation of his conscience.

[quote="bmaj, post:1, topic:179482"]
Do women email these types of things also?

[/quote]

Certainly a particular *kind *of woman does.

[quote="bmaj, post:1, topic:179482"]
He thinks many women are just as bad as men in this regard,

[/quote]

The old "everyone does it" argument. Awesome.

[quote="bmaj, post:1, topic:179482"]

I've never received such things from my friends and find the entire practice extremely degrading and sinful.

[/quote]

Of course it is degrading and sinful.

I am sorry your husband refuses to admit that. Keep praying for him, and help him find some Catholic men who are good examples.


#13

[quote="kib, post:2, topic:179482"]
I think this type of this is common for middle aged men.

[/quote]

No it is not indicative of "middle age" men, or Midwest men, or Texas men, or purple polka-dotted men... or men in general. That is an insult to all men.

It is only indicative of the particular men who look at sexual materials- and clearly the OPs husband has found many birds with the same feathers as he has.

This behavior is indicative of men with one or more of the following of the following: poorly formed consciences (or consciences numbed by the culture), weak character, lack of morals, and//or emotional immaturity.

It is an act of their will to look at those pictures, to encourage their friends (or not DIScourage their friends). It is an overt act that they are CHOOSING to do.


#14

[quote="puzzleannie, post:3, topic:179482"]
I think your husband needs a new set of friends and to stop using his current friends as an excuse for doing an activity that is objectively evil and subjectively causing you pain and inflicting severe damage on your marriage. No normal man who has left young adolescence is fixated on this type of thing.

[/quote]

I am in full agreement with you on that. Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to happen. I keep praying and trying to keep the lines of communication open so that he understands better and better how it feels to me as a wife. Most of the friends who send the emails do have some very good qualities (just as my husband also has), but it's very hard for me to get beyond this particular "habit" that they all share.


#15

I really don't think it is common at all, and I think you need to find a way to let your husband know that it is totally unacceptable.


#16

Auriel - this is what I’m beginning to think. I’m also wondering how many wives out there might not know their husbands get this trash by email. I’m sure it was going on with mine for quite awhile before I realized it and was able to confront him with the discovery.


#17

Unfortunately I think that this type of emailing and the disgusting conversations about sex and women happen at a lot of jobs and among male friends. More so than most women know about it seems.

At least from what my fiance has told me. He currently works in an office dominated by men and he's been truthful with me telling me that many of the men will actually talk about their sex life and joke about women, even if they are married. I've been around the men at various work gatherings like parties and things and I can tell he is telling the truth. It seems that among some men, it's okay to joke about things like sex and nudity even if it's about your wife or other women.

He told me it was also very common place amongst his hockey teammates.

Thankfully, I do truly believe him when he says that he does not participate in these things and the guys know not to try and get him to partake in these discussions of sex life (which we as a non-married couple have none of anyways).

I know there are plenty of good Christian and Catholic men, like my fiance, who don't partake in this type of disgusting talk and things, but it is out there, despite how wrong it is.


#18

[quote="Augusta_Sans, post:4, topic:179482"]
I'm 26, my husband is 28. We were both raised in the Midwest and are college educated, as are most of our acquaintances. This is not common among our friends, coworkers, or classmates (many of whom are atheist or agnostic).

I think that my generation, generally, has been raised to be more appalled by objectifying women...and more fearful of getting fired for sexual harassment if inappropriate emails appear in their inboxes.

(Also, I find it extremely unlikely that women do this as frequently as men, mainly because society doesn't cram images of sexualized men down our throats; whereas sexualized images of women are commonplace.)

[/quote]

AS-
This is good to hear about your part of the Midwest. Thanks.
Unfortunately, in the eastern part of the country it doesn't seem to matter how educated or what one's religion is. The email trash seems very prevalent.


#19

[quote="bmaj, post:18, topic:179482"]
AS-
This is good to hear about your part of the Midwest. Thanks.
Unfortunately, in the eastern part of the country it doesn't seem to matter how educated or what one's religion is. The email trash seems very prevalent.

[/quote]

So, your husband (and the men involved in this) have already convinced you this is "the norm." Your post before this said, paraphrasing, that this is so much "the norm", wives who say otherwise are probably just ignorant of the reality. Maybe your husband has sold you on a false, perverted notion of reality.

I agree with 1ke. "Everybody" is not doing it. Your husband isn't just a victim of a cruel world. It's his choice. I guarantee you have neighbors, acquaintences, etc choosing differently--they just may not be who your DH wants to be friends with.

PS--I don't doubt it is a big problem. I just don't want you to think you're the odd one out because you think ir's wrong. Have faith that it is a choice and therefore can be "unchosen".


#20

[quote="bmaj, post:18, topic:179482"]
AS-
This is good to hear about your part of the Midwest. Thanks.
Unfortunately, in the eastern part of the country it doesn't seem to matter how educated or what one's religion is. The email trash seems very prevalent.

[/quote]

In my corner of the world, I really think that it's a generational division. I know of educated men in their 50s that exchange things like this, but it's very taboo in my generation.


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