Recently - last evening, actually, I received some news that completely uprooted everything I thought I believed in. I found that the SSPX and SSPV churches are considered illicit and unlawful.
I am 15 years old. I grew up with Catholicism until I was 8 years old, within the SSPX church. I was baptized within the SSPX church, I received my first confession and first communion there. I attended mass weekly there for over 8 years starting from birth. I was not aware that any Catholic church was different from that one until 7 years later when I decided I wanted to be Catholic again. I began attending a Novus ordo church within the area, completely unaware that anyone would consider ANY Catholic church to be invalid. I still did, though, prefer the old SSPX church because I learned everything I know about Catholicism there.
Yesterday I attended a mass there with family. I liked it a lot. In my opinion, the Novus Ordo church was nice, but so big and loud. I loved the quiet solemnity of my little old SSPX church, and I was still unaware that there was any real difference between the churches other than a few aesthetics.
Then by some chance, I looked it up, and found the truth about it. Now I’m not sure at all where to go anymore. My entire extended family belongs to the SSPV church, my immediate family once did too. I learned all my catechism from SSPX and SSPV. It sounds so logical that a church not in communion with the Holy See is one to avoid, but it’s just not that easy. Even now, attending a Novus Ordo church, I had always planned that once I have a driver’s license I would begin regularly driving back up to my old SSPX church. I have so many childhood and family attachments to that church, I can’t just severe myself from it all at once.
Now, I can’t believe it, but I am almost considering whether or not I really want to remain Catholic. I thought I could trust the Catholic Church. I thought this was the unmovable, one true Church that was build on a rock two thousand years ago. I had never imagined in my wildest dreams that what I had thought was a universal church was really just an illicit faction off to the side of the real church. How do I know what is the real church? I had thought SSPX was the real church. And now it’s not? How on earth can that happen? I just have no idea any more.
I’m thinking that maybe next Sunday I’ll see if I can talk to the priest at my current “modern” parish. I’m 99% sure that I will not leave the church. But that little 1% hasn’t made an appearance in quite a while. I don’t know where to go. I feel caught in between the “lawful” modern catholic church and the “illicit” SSPX faction, and I just can’t step to one side or the other.