Most of the time I really enjoy participating in the CAF community and I have learned things that have strengthened my knowledge of the Faith, or felt affirmed by knowing there are other earnest practicing Catholics I can share it with. That’s a great blessing.
I have a lot of “head knowledge” :coffeeread: about the Faith, and I don’t completely lack “heart knowledge” of it :love: but for the last few years I find it difficult to concentrate in prayer or even some days to remember TO pray.
Now I’m not blaming CAF for this; I was headed in that direction in the earlier part of the past decade. At that time, a group of other women I hung out with and went to Adoration and Mass with began to get busy and we weren’t able to get together as often. I did carry on for a few years myself better than I do currently.
In the last 5 years or so, life became very chaotic - I went through the implosion of my final two jobs and into the process of filing for disability, going through a home foreclosure, moving twice, surgeries and other disruptions. However, things are looking up. I do wake in the mornings and often feel very grateful for things being so much better now. And I give thanks to God for that.
But so far I am still having a time with structured prayer. There are some things that are challenges to that in terms of my own physical and mental issues. I have mild sleep apnea and though it doesn’t require medical treatment (and I’m not soliciting that here in view of forum rules so please refrain from offering it). The only difficulty with that is I have to wake slowly and in stages and am not good at waking very early. :yawn: By the time I am less groggy, usually the other human and several of the animals in the household are up and about and it’s awkward trying to find a free quiet alone time and place to pray.
I realize the above is a discipline issue too and I could set an alarm, force myself to drink coffee, etc. I haven’t ruled that out but am reluctant. I’m ashamed at how slothful that sounds. Also ashamed that this is but one of many “I’m slothful in prayer” threads I’ve posted!
The other problem I have is that I have ADD and my mind wanders something terrible when I do pray! :mad: I even pray before I pray asking God to help me stay on track and I try so hard to but a minute or two later, something from what I’m praying about leads to a train of thought that leads me completely away from prayer! :eek: I then apologize to God, attempt to regroup, only to find myself repeating the process ad infinitum and finally giving up.
One alternative I have thought of that may be the best thing is to try to wake up early, say a series of structured prayers that I came up with a few years back, and then go back to sleep for awhile till I feel more like facing the day.
Does anyone else struggle like this or anything close to it?
I’m not even after “sensible consolations” in prayer, but I just feel like I love God but don’t show it the way I should - yet I can kill hours thinking about Catholicism on CAF and other places, I have tons of excellent religious books but some of them I have yet to read - I have trouble not getting pulled away by other distracting things. Maybe it’s a menopause thing - ladies in that bracket, what do you think?
God gave me my mind, and though it’s a bit wired differently, being able to think about the Faith and explain it to others can be a good thing, right? I can evangelize and teach, that’s a spiritual work of mercy. So I know it’s a question of balance and right now I’m “unbalanced,” ha ha.
I feel like the seed sown in the middle of weeds and the weeds - of my own mind and of distractions around me - are growing up and choking the wheat and that’s not what I want to happen.
Advice and prayers most welcome!