Basically, in a nutshell, I kinda want to curl-up into a ball and die right now and I’ve felt this way since yesterday.
First-off I was doing well refraining from a seriously bad habit of mine and relapsed last night after four months of controlling the habit. I feel I now wasted all that effort and I’m actually scared that I might not be able to get back up again. Secondly (and I know this is stupid and I really don’t need to be reminded of it again) is that that one friend I like is now in a relationship and it has left me completely depressed. I’m sorta glad for her since she found a devout Catholic man to date who is a friend of mine, but also because I remember having prayed awhile ago that she would find a good Catholic guy so I’m glad my prayer was heard.
Needless to say I feel miserable and I frankly feel, again, like curling-up and dying. I feel terrible for indulging my habit and I just get that feeling of disgust and isolation because of it…and I’m afraid I might not be able to refrain again and will fall back into my old weekly routine. But I’m also sad because of this girl even though I should be happy for her. I plan on going to Confession today but I’m still scared of everything, particularly because it hit me VERY HARD last night as to how evil my habit is and how serious this while issue is…I’m very scared because of it and wondering if my previous Confession was even valid. But I’m also scared because I don’t know exactly what I need to do to stop, where to go, how much to do, and it’s left me cowering.
I need prayers and advice. I really do feel like just dying right now (and no, that doesn’t mean commit suicide…I’m not like that).