Re sexual past, what would be a complete deal-breaker?

#21

I wouldn’t be comfortable with a man who had had homosexual sex. I knew a woman in college who was dating an openly bi-sexual man, and maybe it’s terrible of me, but it totally gave me the willies. I could not understand why she would want to be intimate with a man who was/had been intimate with other men. And as someone up-thread mentioned, I would wonder if I was a “beard” and that he would have a man on the side, or eventually leave me for a man.

I would also have trouble with someone who was into S&M or fetishes.

As to rape and pedophilia – well, that’s not sexual history, that’s criminal history and I would not be with a criminal.

Lastly, children from a previous marriage or relationship – that would totally depend on the circumstances! If I were 21, I probably wouldn’t want a boyfriend with kids, but if I were a 55 year old widow, dating a widower with kids – that would be fine, I’m sure!! :slight_smile:

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#22

[quote="ToeInTheWater, post:10, topic:224709"]
Well, my point is more that it seems that whenever a virgin dares to express any reservations about a suitor's sexual past, they are guaranteed to be showered with accusations of being judgmental, holier-than-thou, "who do you think you are", etc. Which seems very, well, judgmental, to me! Yet, it seems most people would draw a line somewhere, even if it's at a different point.

I also find it rather ironic, that often when a woman finds out her boyfriend has ever had any kind of porn habit, she is advised to break up with him, because such behavior is very addicitive and ingrained, and that even if he sincerely repents, he is very likely to fall back into that sin, and that his attitudes toward sexuality will have been affected badly.

Yet, a woman who finds out a boyfriend was having frequent sex with actual real, live women in the past is pretty much told to just get over it with and suck it up. Any concern that such behavior would affect the marriage bed seems to be dismissed out of hand, and it seems any concerns someone has about the effects of this kind of sin are dismissed as just arising out of irrational jealousy or cold-hearted legalism.

Now, to me, a man having a porn habit is not as big a deal as him actually committing fornication. Yet, I wouldn't pooh-pooh the concerns of women who do have a problem with men who view porn, or label them as judgmental.

I think it is legitimate for anyone, man or woman, to say that they don't think they can deal with the effects of past sexual sin in a prospective spouse, much as it's legitimate for someone to say they can't deal with stepchildren and/or an ex-spouse (even if the marriage was declared null). Or someone who still lives with his or her parents and expects to do so, and have the spouse move in with them too, and take care of them until they die of old age. (Even though that's normal and expected behavior in many cultures.) Or because they don't see eye-to-eye about whether a mother should stay home with the children. (Often, these days it's the husband who wants the wife to work when she'd rather stay home, not vice versa.) Everyone has deal-breakers when it comes to marriage, and it seems silly to single out some people for saying they, personally, draw the line at a different point than someone else.

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While sex outside of marriage is a valid concern, porn is a HUGE concern. It changes the brain chemistry outside of "regular" sex. Also, I remember a video my ethics professor showed us in college....where 99% of the inmates in the maximum security prision had viewed large amounts of porn, all of the sex offenders admitted to not only large amounts but many wierd fettish materials. It's not saying everyone who views porn is a criminal, but that the universal thing criminals have in common is porn...gender, age, sexual orentation, social status, race....it is a troublesome fact. There were, fyi, several criminals who'd never had sex in real life...(they were mostly hispanic and had commited violet crimes (robberies) in their mid-teens)

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#23

Well we are talking sexual PAST, right? So if I was single now, I don't know if anything in the PAST would be a deal breaker, except for a criminal history. I'd be more concerned about the journey that man took to get to the chaste life that he would be living now and how he conducts himself in the present.

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#24

sexual past, what would be a complete deal-breaker

Being with a guy that had sex in the past isn't a deal breaker for me. The important thing is that he is respectful of my wishes not to have sex before marriage, which I am married and I found a guy that was completely respectful of that. But he didn't care that I was a virgin though, he could care less. He didn't say that to me but I know that's how he felt. That's what bothered me but... anyway there are worse problems in life.

I think it's hard to find a virgin male in this day and age no matter how religious they are. I know I never dated a virgin. Do they even exist past the age of 20? I think they are a dying breed.

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#25

It sounds like there is confusion between what one would be willing to accept in a marriage partner versus what one would be willing to accept in a friend or aquaintance. Marriage is such a personal and unique relationship that it would be hard to say what would break the deal in regards to someone’s sexual past. I think that would depend on each individual and is part of the process of discerning marriage with someone. In marriage one accepts the whole person, not just the parts they like. I think above all we should listen to God’s guidance regarding our relationship with the person. God is good, and he will always lead us to what is good. Some of the greatest saints were also the greatest deviants, but ultimately they persevered. We are all called to forgive and be accepting of others’ weaknesses, no matter how difficult. And that applies to everyone, friend or marriage partner. Someone with a colorful sexual past may or may not be the right person for us to marry.

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#26

[quote="joandarc2008, post:17, topic:224709"]
Thats some honesty!!! LOL

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Well assuming the person is truly contrite I can't think of any reason that I wouldn't forgive other than pride. It seems most standards about sexual past are simply products of cultural prejudice and emotional hang ups anyway. And with me anyway it seems that most things that give me the willies are things that I have never struggled with and thus don't understand. If its something I've been tempted to do then it becomes completely understandable and natural, a peccadillo really.

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#27

Anything involving an animal. :eek:
Rape, violence.
Any kids wandering around.

Any incurable STDs

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#28

[quote="CountrySinger, post:27, topic:224709"]
Anything involving an animal. :eek:
Rape, violence.
Any kids wandering around.

Any incurable STDs

[/quote]

Forgot about animals. Definitely no animals!!!!

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#29

[quote="cviolette, post:28, topic:224709"]
Forgot about animals. Definitely no animals!!!!

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That falls under incarceration in most states- thank God. I do have to say I forgot about the incurable STDs.

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closed #30
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