I apologize in advance for how long this is going to be, but it’s a long, complicated story. Back in 2006, my husband and I moved to Alaska for me to teach. It had been a dream of mine to live in Alaska and I worked hard to make that dream come true. We were up here a year then returned home because my father was sick and subsequently passed away. Because of the expense of moving, we were stuck back in the south and so my husband took his old job back and we stayed. During that time we both missed our life in Alaska. In retrospect, we conveniently “forgot” all that was bad and romanticized all the good stuff. Last year we had the opportunity to move back. I should say that when we moved the first time, my husband didn’t know what he was going to do. He got a job working at a small radio station and fell in love with it. He felt he had found his “calling” in life and totally embraced his new career. Last year, he was offered the chance to come back to the station. We made plans to return, but after some mature thinking, we decided against the move and stayed put. During the past year, I moved past the romanticism of living in Alaska. I thought my husband had moved on but I was wrong. He constantly lamented how much he hated being back in the south, hated his job, was upset with his family that they wouldn’t drive to see us since being back and how we always had to drive to see them etc. So earlier this year, he again gets the opportunity to return to the radio job. Of course, he jumped at the chance. I was against it. I don’t like the heat of living down south, and I am always up for a good adventure, but leaving my grandbaby, him leaving a secure job with benefits, and returning to a place full of nepotism, favoritism, small town gossip and politics and the “good ol boy system” wasn’t my idea of fun. My husband kept saying he felt “God had opened the door again for us to go back” so I gave in, mostly because I felt I owed my husband his chance at happiness since he gave me mine when we moved up here the first time.
Since being back here in bush Alaska now for 5 weeks, things have been predictably miserable. To begin with, to get back up here, my husband put our house in short sale, we voluntarily returned a vehicle, and brought up all our debt with us. Our credit is now shot. The things my husband was promised at the radio job didn’t happen: he is getting paid less than promised; the old gm is not returning- he took a job elsewhere, so my husband is now a stand-in gm until the board decides to hire him permanently; he has already been undermined on several decisions by the board which is hindering his ability to act as gm. He is convinced he will get the permanent gm job because he is already in the seat, but with the way things typically go up here, it’s questionable. Somebody could have a family member wanting it, and he is not native. If he gets the job, his salary alone won’t allow us to live here. I have not been able to find a job yet. We have the burden of not only trying to pay off the debt we brought with us, but now the expense of living here.
I am struggling. My only solace is going to church every Saturday morning. There are only 8 other Catholics up here, and no priest. My husband and I have argued and discussed this move but nothing is ever resolved. He can finally admit he was wrong in making this move, but selfishness and pride he still holds on to keeps him from acting. He is prideful of the fact that his old coworkers admire him up and leaving a good job to move to bush Alaska. They think he is up here suffering the extremes of nature, hunting for his own food, and being a big “bushman”. This is hardly the case. When we moved back south from AK the first time, his coworkers made comments like, “What, you couldn’t cut it up in Alaska?” So now my husband feels he has something to prove. He still feels God allowed him to come back here. He is afraid of how it will “look” to people here if we leave. He is afraid of how it would “look” to his family, friends, and old coworkers if we move back south. On my end, I feel putting us in this situation was very immature. We are both in our 40s. We should have been content with where God put us (in the south), with what we had. I’m all for chasing dreams, but there comes a time when one has to grow up and accept his/her lot in life and make the best of what he/she has instead of always wishing for something more or better. I want nice things: a house, a vehicle, a good job, time with my grandchildren, children, and family, a parish to be a part of. Up here, we are struggling and there is nothing nice to be had. I blame myself for ever wanting to come up here to begin with back in 2006. If I hadn’t of been chasing romantic notions, my husband would have never gotten the radio job and none of this would be happening now. I wanted to allow him his chance at happiness, I wanted to be an obedient wife and allow him freedom as head of our household, but he has put us in a huge mess. We don’t have the money to leave here now. I am at wits end.
Please pray for us that God will show us where He wants us. If it is truly here, then I will suck it up and deal with this as best I can. If not, we need the financial resources to get back out. We will both need jobs again and it is doubtful my husband’s old job will take him back since he has left them now twice. We will have a place to live if we return, with family, until we get financially back on our feet. I love my husband, and this isn’t driving us to divorce, yet, but I am not respectful of him or his decision at this point. This is just one of many immature decisions we have made throughout our marriage and I am tired of it. Thanks for your prayers, we need them!