This is my story with my girlfriend.
We’ve been dating for one year and 3 months now. When we met, I was a virgin and she wasn’t.
We had sex (very important: we vowed to not do it anymore and are sticking to it) just a little while into the relationship. At that point, I had been a bit hurt by a previous relationship and I wasn’t caring much about anything, including my own virginity. Though I had managed to avoid it and say “no” to other girls who tried to have sex with me, this time I actively pursued it and did it.
A little while later, I began to hurt a lot because of the fact that she had had previous experiences with an ex-boyfriend. I started feeling bad for having given my virginity to someone who didn’t save hers for me. I started asking her to know about how that had happened, and I found out she had been raped by the guy. This was after months of her saying it was just a mistake on her part: she said she thought I’d never understand her reaction.
Apparently, she went through a denial period, and didn’t acknowledge it as the crime that it was. She decided to think that it was her fault, for having put herself in a position where that could happen, and did actually believe the guy when he said it was a misunderstanding and nothing more (he convinced her that he thought she wanted it too, despite her attempts to break free and her crying when he did it).
She became pregnant (because of the rape), and was probably going to do an abortion when a miscarriage happened. This also hurt her even further and made her be with the guy for standing there for her in this dark period.
So, she had sex with him a few times (think 5 or so) over a one year period, after which she decided it was making her feel worse (she realized she didn’t want to have sex with someone who wasn’t her SO, no matter how normal people think it is) and decided to stop doing it. They continued dating, though.
They broke up a year later. She had another boyfriend, with whom she didn’t have sex, and then me.
Now, I’m having trouble believing her when she says that she would have only have had sex with me (supposedly her SO), and that what happened in the past wasn’t her fault and she was traumatized, and that’s what motivated her erratic behaviour.
I know I wasn’t completely sure of her being my SO when we frist had it, but I’m afraid I wasn’t more than a regular boyfriend at that time, despite what she has said afterwards. I keep thinking: “well, she wasn’t a virgin, so she might have jumped onto it simply because there wasn’t much left to lose”.
She’s a Catholic, though she has only been attending Mass with me (previously she only went on the “important days”). I haven’t managed to convince her to get Reconciliation yet, though, I guess I need to read more about it and try to show her why it’s so important.
I really love her, and though I regret the hasty decisions I took when we began dating, I really hope I could let go of this past stuff and marry her and live a serious family life.
It’s been difficult for me to forget about all these things, though. Nothing in her current behaviour indicates she wouldn’t make a great wife, but this keeps nagging me. She agrees on me about Catholicism, about sex only with your SO, and she agrees to practice NFP when we get married, etc. She’s also the most beautiful and loving girl I’ve ever met.
She has also said repeatedly that she has a lot of regret for having had that previous relationship which took away something she intended to keep for me, even though it wasn’t her fault. She asked for my forgiveness about her other times with the guy, but I said I was in no position to condemn her.
Added problem: I might be offered a position overseas in 6 months to an year, which would speed up the marrying process. She has already said that she’s willing to drop everything to go with me (married, of course).
Somehow, I feel like I need to sort these issues out before taking the plunge or else we’ll face problems when we are married.
I guess I really wanted her to be a virgin. Read this carefully, I don’t want a virgin, I wanted her to be one. I made several bad calls based on the fact that she wasn’t, and now I keep wondering if I’m doing the right thing by being with her wishing that something was different, even though I love her very much.
I pray a lot over this but I haven’t been able to find a solution: some days I feel like I have to marry her to be happy; on others I feel like I’m doing more harm to her and me by getting in a marriage where I’ll always feel something should have been different instead of just going our separate ways.
Could use some prayer.