I’m going to be totally honest in this post…
for a couple of months now I’ve been struggling with something and it’s been causing me a lot of doubt…
I’m converting to Catholicism and I can honestly say that I believe this is where God lead me. For all I know, I might be totally wrong. But I really feel called to it. I resisted so much at first. But …I couldn’t escape, lol.
Well there’s one thing that’s bothering me.
I was baptized Eastern Orthodox as a child and I have lots of good memories in that church. I have memories of Divine Liturgy feeling like a ‘celebration’ and looking around at all the icons and candles and hearing the beautiful music.
When I think of the Latin Mass I get this sense of it being so reverent and holy.
But - when I’m at my regular ‘Novus Ordo’ parish Mass… sometimes I feel really sad because of some “modernizations” that took place, I don’t mean Vatican II but as a result of misinterpretations of VII. I totally understand having Mass in the vernacular and having more participation of the laity etc but some things are simply abuses… sometimes it almost looks too mainline Protestant or Anglican and not Catholic enough. I read about the Saints and I feel like today’s Catholic Church is somehow different from theirs…
I want so much to go to Latin Mass parish but I don’t live near any…
and it bothers me also that there are those traditionalist groups who broke away from the Church. like SSPX.
Sometimes when I go to my family’s Orthodox church or when they (or my Orthodox friends) talk about it, I feel such sadness that I have to leave it behind. But I know that I’m becoming Catholic out of obedience. And I do love the Church so much… I love the devotions and prayers and Adoration, the Pope, everything about Mary, the Saints, ETC… I just really don’t want the Church to lose it’s Catholic identity… I go to a parish with barely any statues and it’s really modern and the Tabernacle is on the side… and I love the people and the priests are great but my whole conversion feels like such a sacrifice.
And next Saturday I’m meeting with my priest to discuss entering the Church… I just want to be free from doubt…somewhere deep in my soul I just KNOW that I have to be Catholic, and this never goes away regardless of my thoughts or feelings… I’ve learned to ignore my feelings more in the past few months.
However…that being said… when I go to Mass, even if it’s really not the type of Mass I prefer, I use it to worship God and I take it seriously… and sometimes I really feel His presence in the Eucharist, I can’t explain it, - I can’t even receive Communion lol - but it’ s very strong… and I think that’s how God has been encouraging me.
More than anything I want to receive the Eucharist and go to Confession, and that’s why I haven’t given up yet.
I love the Church and I believe its teachings are all true but I just feel so sad because sometimes I fear it’s lost some of its Catholic identity, and that’s what I loved about it to begin with. This causes me doubt if I’m making the right choice and if I should be Orthodox instead, cause their Liturgy IS great. But - I do know where God is calling me and I want to obey Him.
I’m sorry if I’ve said anything wrong, this is just how I feel, but I would much rather not go through this anymore.