Recently married and hopeless

Hi all!
Well, I have been married for two years with a man I met in 2004. We were in a relationship for seven years before getting married. I do not know what has happened. You would think we are in the honeymoon stage but we’re not. I don’t think we were ever. Truth is, I don’t think he loves me. I started feeling that since our first day of husband and wife. I sometimes think he didn’t really love me, but then I find myself wondering why we got married. Why do I think he doesn’t love me? We don’t talk, we don’t kiss, we don’t hug, we don’t tell each other, “i love you”. I used to do that but he would move away or pretended he needed to go do something, so eventually I stopped. I don’t even want to think about it because it breaks my heart. I tell him what I feel and sometimes I end up crying but even then he doesn’t really say something like, “i’m sorry” or “don’t cry I do love you” or things to make me feel better. He kind of doesn’t care if I cry or not. I’ve asked him to go talk to a professional but there’s always something that stops him from doing it. I’ve asked him that we talk to a married couple to see if it is me the one who has very high expectations but he doesn’t want to. He just doesn’t want to do anything.
I am tired. Even though I do go to church every Sunday and read the Bible and I know that we should love everybody without asking for anything in return, that we should forgive seventy times seven. But he is my husband, he should give me something in return, shouldn’t he? Am I really asking too much of him? Of course now, I am not the best of wives but I used to be pretty good (I think), but that didn’t work so now, what is it that I have to do?

I think some people are able to live in a marriage without affection, intimacy and sex. I eventually, after five years without anything, decided that I could not do it anymore and got divorced.

We should not deny our spouses their marital rights; even scripture talks about marital rights.

I sometimes feel bad about quitting because I felt the need for it, but I was not strong enough to give it up forever.

St. Paul talks about couples being intimate often, partly because it avoid temptation. Once I found myself lonely and tempted, I couldn’t live with it.

It’s been thirteen years now, and I choose to remain single for several reasons, but I thank God that I still like women. I believe loneliness is a cross to bear, and I believe God will reward us for suffering it.

Whether you stay or not, I pray to The Holy Family that you will be able to bear the rejection and find your solace in God.

What was your husband’s motive for marrying you? It does not seem to have been an intention to fulfill the vocation of marriage, but I could be wrong. At any rate, the pieces you have are not adding up. Whatever you have on your hands, it is definitely atypical. I have never heard of anything like it. Talk to your pastor.

I’m not a marriage counselor but the descriptions you give of him are common signs of male depression: overworking and uncommunicative.

Why that might be is beyond me. I will pray for you.

I’m with you sister. For ten years. Something is wrong with him. Have you discussed it with a priest? Sounds trite, but marriage is supposed to be more. He may be diagnosed with depression, sure, but this kind of thing isn’t always just depression…in fact I would hazard a guess that’s the least of his problems. Does.he have a drug or alcohol history? I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but you seem to be the one with the right stuff for marriage, he doesn’t. Ask St. Rita for help, but also realize her battle was different and your answer may be. Be strong. The pain ebbs after awhile. Sometimes the pain has to decrease before we can see clearly. Have you talked to any family members about it?

And for what it’s worth, I will keep you in my prayers.:slight_smile:

Sounds like my situation. We divorced in March and we were only married seven months. It sounds like he could be depressed. I was always trying to get him to talk about problems. He never wanted to do anything but go to work and work around the house and work in his garage and work in the yard etc etc. I couldn’t take it…I kept trying but shortly after we were married he confessed that he was cheating on me. So, we were divorced. All he ever wanted to do was work and trying to get him to talk was like torture. He is still like that. He claims he never talks to anyone even now. I tell him to go see someone, take medication, etc but he won’t do anything to help himself even though he always says he is unhappy. So…I don’t know. It could be a certain type of personality that just won’t seek happiness or try to get better no matter how unhappy they are or what anyone says.

I am sorry for your situation. It must be hard. I my self, even though I am man, did live in a “abnormal” marriage for almost eleven years. We had sex and lot’s of it, before we did marry, I was still a Lutherian then but it is a sin there to but not a mortal one, I think, and for some strange reason a couple of month before she told me we have to divorce. Between the begining and the end there was no affection, no love and sex four time each year (yes, I did keep track on that) so I can relate to you even though I am a man. But the reason we did divorce was totally mine, I did lie, I did cheat, never got caught though, and made a mess with the finaces and the fact that I could not keep a job too long. So, it was my fault. But I do not think that is your fault, something have gone wrong, but there may still be something you could do. I guess you have done what is possible, so do the “impossible”, women have many ways of get a man interested even if it is the hubby, you know what he like, so surprice him. It may help. I am sure you will come up with something worth a try.

I think that the key… is prayer AND perseverance in prayer…How about this for starters to say throughout the day during work and play…Eternal Father,with the help of the Holy Spirit and intercession of Our Lady, I offer you the humanity, Divinity, and the terrible passion of Your Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, for the forgiveness of my sins, those of my family, and the sins of the whole world.

You might get a copy of The 5 Love Languages. If you’re lucky, you’ll find that he does love you, he’s just expressing it in a different way than touch and words of affirmation. That book was a great help in our marriage.

Is there a possibility that your husband is gay?

I’m so sorry if this is the case. Sometimes, gay men marry a woman because they are trying not to be gay or because they are trying to put on a “normal” front for business, social, or religious reasons. But once they are married to the woman, they cannot force themselves to be physically affectionate.

From your post, it doesn’t sound like he is abusive or cruel to you. But the fact that he moves away when you try to be affectionate makes me think that perhaps he finds the physical act of love with a woman repugnant.

It would also explain why he finds reasons to avoid a counselor. He knows it would all come out. I can’t see why he would be afraid to face a diagnosis of depression, but an outing of his homosexuality might be something that he can’t face.

(My husband suffers from clinical depression by the way, and has been on meds for years. He was actually glad to have a diagnosis and a treatment plan.)

Again, I’m sorry, and I sincerely hope I’m wrong about this.

Hi, thank you for taking the time to “talk” to me.
Yes, I have read the book. I bought it and gave it to him as a gift. No. I don’t see any of the 5 happening here. No words of affirmation, no touch, no gifts, no services or quality time.
I gave him the book but I’m not sure if he read it. Though one time he was like baby-talking to me saying, “aww, mousie has an empty tank” or something. (He used to call me mouse or mousie). He does buy me stuff I like to eat… Like my favorite snacks, etc. But, I mean, you do that for anybody who lives with you, right? Or is that the way he shows his love?

If you have noticed a sudden change in affection and communication, my first guess would be depression. My sister’s husband has fairly mild depression but when it flairs up, that’s how my sister describes it. I would recommend that he get help from a doctor, especially if you notice it is effecting other aspects of his life.

I’ve actually asked him. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do. I don’t know.

He is taking medication for depression now. But this has been going on ever since we got married. Maybe even the next day. I can’t recall the exact time. I do know that I have been telling him that I feel unloved. He asks me why do I need him to do things for me when he doesn’t ask anything of me. Maybe he’s right.
He has gone through a lot in his personal life. I am very sure he has psychological problems but he doesn’t believe therapy can do anything. His grandmother died when he was very young and she was the one to take care of him. People told him not to cry when that happened and he had to hold all that inside. Ever since then, he says, he hasn’t been able to show emotion. I completely understand that, but what I don’t understand is why he doesn’t want any help. I mean, he totally knows that there is something wrong yet he refuses to talk to a professional or anybody.
Maybe I am the one who is being mean.
There is a lot more to this story… Thinking about it just makes me feel really dumb because I think I already knew what I was getting myself into yet I always hoped for the fairytale ending, the happily ever after. I know there will always be problems but if you truly love somebody, you will overcome any difficulty. But, what can you do if there is no love?

Yes, I like this. But then I think nothing is going to really change. I’ve been told that our Lord Jesus is a gentleman and if you don’t let Him into your life, He can’t do anything.
So, that leads me to thinking that no matter how much I pray if my husband doesn’t want to change, nothing will happen.

Maybe - it’s hard to say. Did you guys talk about it? What makes him feel loved?

It sounds to me like a fear of intimacy, which actually stems from the fear of abandonment. You said he lost his grandmother when he was young, maybe he is afraid of losing you or of loving you because he is afraid that if he does, he might lose you. It sounds like he might even be self-sabotaging the relationship.

Just remember that nothing anyone ever does is about you. He may actually love you so much and he is so afraid of losing you that he keeps his distance. The closer he gets to you might actually make the fear of losing you even greater.

Just a thought. Whatever you do, don’t make threats of leaving.

Another thought as well, you may have a low opinion of yourself and you may be projecting onto him the way you feel about yourself…or you may be interpreting his actions in “woman’s terms” and not a man’s. Men love women differently than women love women. For example: Women interpret silence from other women to mean, “they don’t trust me or they don’t like me.” Men are very different, they get right to the point and avoid fluff (extra details) and use a few words as possible (usually). May I suggest reviewing the website:

understandmen.com

Go to the “free stuff” in the menu bar and listen to as many of the audio’s as possible. There is so much in the audio’s/radio programs. I read her book called, “Manglish” and learned so much about what is the intention behind what men say, which is far better than what I thought. Men are much more of the things I love than I ever imagined but I just was not seeing it that way because I was expecting them to behave and respond like I would. Just take a look please.

Unfortunately, I already have told him that we should go our separate ways. I’ve asked him why did we ever get married. I was losing my mind. Now, since I had enough of crying, suffering, and arguing, I stopped saying things. I’m just waiting to see how everything turns out.

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