I hope this doesn’t come across as a stupid question because I kinda of feel like it is. When I was 15, I lost my virginity. I was head over heels for this guy and he to this day still protests the fact that he did love me. When I was 16, we fell pregnant. I went to catholic school, got kicked out at the close of my senior year, and finished high school online. I chose life, because I have never believed in abortion. Thus, now I am an 18 year old single mom with a little boy who is almost one (two days after Christmas!) I love my little boy more than anything in the world, so DONT get my wrong when I ask this. Ever since I fell pregnant and my child’s father left, sex has just felt…wrong to me. Before, it felt right because we connected emotionally…like, I literally define it as “making love” because that’s what it was about - expressing our love and closeness together. My baby’s father wanted to put him up for adoption because he was just about to be a junior in high school and still wanted his "high school dream life filled with football, prom, commissioning, etc) this is why we eventually split, because we couldn’t agree on keeping our little one. Well, the guy pressured me into sex one time after I got pregnant and I cried all the way home (we were supposed to get dinner to try to work things out - stupid me!) Ive never told anyone but one person (my best friend) about the incident and I do feel like I was taken advantage of. I wouldn’t consider it rape by any means because I DID consent, but deep down I REALLY didn’t want to. All I wanted to do was cry. Since that incident, sex has felt dirty. And I hate it. I was in a committed relationship with another guy (about a 1/2 year after the incident) and we ended up having sex and even though I loved him so much I just couldn’t bring that wall down and I couldn’t understand why. I don’t know, I feel like sex ruins relationships (I eventually broke up with this guy because once I had sex with him he wanted to all the time and I hated the way it made me feel). And I was thinking that maybe I could be feeling guilty about the incident and that’s why I feel so dirty. But I have never in my life just wanted to be a virgin again. Is there anyway, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually to be considered a virgin again? I don’t know. I just want to find “the one” one day and actually be able to have that connection with them because that’s what making love is about, along with procreation. I’m just really struggling with this and would grately appreciate any help you all can offer. Please no judgement…I already get enough of that as it is.
I am sorry that you have been hurt emotionally and are raising your child alone. I am sure that is difficult.
I can recommend Jason and Christalina Evert’s talks and books on chastity. www.chastity.com
While you are no longer a virgin, you certainly CAN be chaste. You are a child of God, with dignity and worth. Our sexuality is a very powerful thing, as you have discovered, and belongs not just in a “committed” relationship but rather within the sacrament of marriage. Respecting your sexuality and the sacredness of sex, and saving it for marriage from this point forward, is the first step towards healing.
Do get some counseling for the emotional bruises you have suffered. Contact Catholic Charities-- in many locations they have support groups for those who are parenting a child as a single parent or can put you in touch with a group. They do counseling on a sliding scale in many areas.
Jesus told the woman caught in adultery, “go and sin no more”. your past is just that, in the past. Move forward and decide to “go and sin no more”. Get sone counseling and support and stop dating guys that will pressure you for sex. You have been down that road and now you are done with it.
Short and sweet, I grew up not religious, so sex and partying took its toll because “everyone does that in their youth” instead of “it’s sinful” filled my thoughts.
I didn’t go as far as other girls having to have a boyfriend, and then after him, another soon. And drugs were not that attractive to me, though I fell for them for a few years.
All of a sudden I felt a huge weight, hated sex and a huge disconnect with other people. A good boss at work talked to me about Jesus and I began really studying up on it, listening to ave maria radio.
For years after I broke it off with the last goof, I felt sex was so dirty, and not worth it unless it would produce a child.
I’m not a virgin, but things did get better every day when I made those promises to myself to never hurt myself or others in those ways again.
My boss and I married! He is the best man you can ever imagine, and there is one out there for you too… Never expected to but going to adoration chapel (WHICH IS WHERE YOU SHOULD GO) praying in silence, the thought came up we could marry… years later.
why would he want to marry ME? He’s merciful… he didn’t waste his life in ways I had but he still loves me, though God knows he would be happier with a virgin (THERE ARE SADLY NOT ANY!!!)
Definitely teach your children the gift of virginity, for that is something I regret not learning about.
But have a grateful time with your young man and NEVER give your heart to anyone UNTIL YOUR MARRIAGE DAY. Talk with a priest, it’ll make his day!
also you seem to be doing better than I responsibility wise… just remember not to get into any serious relationships, mainly for your little one… it’ll take a long time to decipher whether anyone is worth marrying you, because you are a gift from God. God love her, my mother didn’t realize that in time for us, and several men later we were genuinely confused and thought many relationships was the goal. she was shortselling herself. so was my dad. Do not SHORT sell yourself. TAKE A LONGGGGGGGGGGG TIME AND STAY FAR AWAY FOR YEARS. that is how my boss stayed, because he knows the dangers of sin.
God is crazy about you. I hope you know that. He’s chasing after you and He wants you to come home to Him. I gave up premarital sex and so did many people who post here. So, we understand what you are going through.
Have you been to confession? That is the best place to start. Put it all out there. Our Lord will heal you in that wonderful sacrament of forgiveness. Then, as others have said, go and sin no more. Learn to begin to trust and walk with Christ. That’s what helped me. Make an appointment with a Priest, he can help you out. Just email one at a local parish.
Perfectly said. I would like to second this comment. And Kaleigh, I will be praying for you.
I think you have learned the hard way that sex is for married people for the purpose of having children and creating a family. Don’t worry. The One is still out there for you, but first you have to learn to step back and not believe any guy who declares he “loves” you and then demands sex. (oldest trick in the book!) A real man will put you and your child ahead of himself; they are around, you just have to give your next relationship some real thought, before you do something you will be sorry for.
you need serious professional counseling. do you attend church? talk to your pastor about finding help, your priorities are upside down. God bless.