Recognizing the call to marriage as your vocation


If a person is called to marriage will s/he experience that call as a desire for the married state - over and above the desire for unity with a particular person - or as a desire to find the person with whom s/he can enter the married state?

That’s probably not too clear, but here’s what I’m getting at: I hear from some people that they approach dating with the goal of marriage uppermost in their mind, and regard each new date with the attitude that they will marry this person unless there turns out to be a really compelling reason not to. The founder of a particular dating site recommended an approach like this. There are, in this view, any number of people one could have a happy life with, and most people waste too many years when they could persevere with the first eligible person they meet and be just as happy as those who spend years waiting for their soul mate.

By this theory, if you’re called to marriage, you want to attaining that state more than you want to find a person who sets your heart afire.

The other school of thought says that nobody wants someone to marry them because their partner wants to be married and figured s/he would be an acceptable means to achieve that goal, but somebody else might do just as well. Don’t most of us want to be singled out and chosen because our partner does not want to be without us?

I never gave the first point of view any consideration until lately when it’s getting tough to continue being a lonely romantic.

Any thoughts out there? If you’re really called to marriage, should you make it your business to get married and try to fall in like if you can’t manage to fall in love?


Hey Misty, My advise is to try to make something of yourself career wise and get yourself educated. When the right Catholic man shows up in your life you will know it.
Most important is compatability, friendship, responsible, loving, caring, etc. Mentally healthy is important too.

If your main goal is to get married then date men as friends first and then notice if it becomes more than a friendship. The chemistry has to be there too.

Marrying just a nice person is not enough if there is most nothing in common. It will be real boring for you. You could get yourself in a difficult situation by marrying the wrong person that was not meant for you.


Thanks, Lucia!

Got the education.

Got 20+ years in a highly specialized professional career.

Thought I had recognized the right guy but he didn’t have the same recognition! I can’t help thinking that my wish to be “in love” kept me from building relationships with men who I might eventually have developed romantic feelings for.


Hi again Misty, I like the name Misty. I think that it is time for you to cruise with a singles group. There is a website named that provides Hosted singles groups for going on a cruise ship. There have been several friendships and marriages that have happened because of their cruises.
I have cruised with them several times so even if you don’t meet anybody you will have a great time. Since I know you can afford it… get your own cabin without a roomie. It is more fun having your own cabin.

Try to join social dance groups too. I think you need to do more fun activities so you can meet someone compatiable. Romance is fun but friendship with chemisty is better. Lucia


You’re probably correct, and I have done the same thing. :wink:

Have you considered joining Ave Maria Singles? They are an excellent resource for single Catholics who are looking for a spouse. Many people I know met their spouses through there, and I have not given up hope of meeting THE ONE through there eventually. Not right now, as I am taking a break, but some day perhaps! I’ve met many good men through there. :thumbsup:


Interesting question.

Speaking for myself I think my call was to motherhood a little more than to marriage itself. Although I did feel the correct order was to find a marriage partner I loved and that shared similar values with and that would support my vocation as a mother but specifically as a wife and SAHM. I couldn’t have married someone that I didn’t feel was my life partner though. I can’t imagine trying to share my life with someone that I’d fallen in like with.


Misty, this is an interesting question. It’s probably some of both. If you have a good understanding of what a sacramental marriage takes and you think God is calling you to that you are likely to look at potential mates differently. It’s true that you might let some great men slip by you because you weren’t “tuned in” to what qualities make a great husband. On the other hand you MUST find your potential husband physically attractive. God uses many things to help glue a marriage together and keep you together during tough times. You need to still think your mate is cute and attractive even when you’re mad at him! It helps with the forgiveness that much quicker :wink: . Marriage is not a brother/sister relationship, it is two becoming one in every way. You will wake up next to this person fro decades and be more intimate with them than anyone else. There has to be a strong physical component.

For myself God definitely surprised me with my husband. I was not thinking of marriage at that time as I was preoccupied with other things but when we met I did think 'Wow! He’s cute!" but then I put it out of my mind and we just became friends. I knew he wanted more but I assumed he just wanted “a fling” or a girlfriend and I wasn’t interested. I also thought he was somewhat naive and not streetwise and just “too square” generally. Circumstances meant that we traveled with mutual friends for a few weeks and during that time I was able to observe him closely. I hadn’t thought he was my “type” either because he is quite introverted and usually I went for extroverts like myself. When dh finally declared himself and said he was madly in love with me I was shocked. This was because I couldn’t believe that such a wonderful person as by then I knew him to be could be in love with me! I actually started crying when he told me. (He thought he’d blown it and I didn’t like him!). What I’m saying is that YES I could’ve easily missed what a wonderful man my husband is because I had preconceived ideas about “my type” and even how I would meet a potential spouse. So do be openminded, pay attention to your friends but you HAVE to find them attractive.


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