Reconciling After Infidelity


#1

My Husband and I have been together for seven years. We have a five year old son. He returned from Iraq in December after being deployed for a year and a half. He is stationed at a base 70 miles away from our home. He would stay at the base on weekdays and return home on weekends. He came back from Iraq a different person. He was distant and depressed. He was having problems with is memory and disorientation. He began drinking after a long period of sobriety.

I first found that he was having an emotional affair with someone in May of this year. I found an email he had left on the screen in our home. I emailed the woman. She did not know he was married. They had met four times and had been on romantic walks, out to dinner. No sexual intimacy. It was apparent from the email that my husband wanted to sleep with her, but hadn’t yet. When confronted my husband redevoted himself to our marriage, but he never truly agreed it was an affair because they did not have sex.

Two months later I found hotel room charges on our joint account. At first he denied that it was what it looked like. I was surprised to find it was a different woman. On August 1, he asked for a separation so he could pursue this other woman. He did not admit at the time it ws the OW. He said I was too controlling. We had an argument that night about his drinking. I did not see him for eight weeks. He spent money we did not have wining and dining this OW.

Mid September she broke it off with him. A couple weeks later he began visiting our five year old son. He would come each weekend. His contact with me became better. He started inviting me to be with them on their visitations. He would call and talk to me but it was sporatic. My Husband is an alcoholic and I believed he ws still drinking. There were other signs. He would only call before 7:30 PM. I heard he had an incident at Formation where he had shown up drunk and was reprimanded.

Last weekend he called me and told me he needed to dropoff some things because he had to move out of his barracks for the weekend. I told him it was ok. He then called several other times hinting that he had no where to stay for the weekend- I said he could stay at the house. He did not arrive when I expected him My son and I went to run an errand and I came across an accident in our little town. It was my Husband’s car. I pulled over and got to see my husband arrested for DUI. My five year old son saw Daddy handcuffed also. My Husband was already on a five year program for a previous DUI. It would have been dismissed in December of this year. He was also on a military alcohol program (that I had forced through his chain of command -another story).

Okay so he was booked into jail and I bailed him out. (Believe me I have had numerous people tell me that I am enabling him and that I should have let him rot). He was very drunk. I brought him home. I am not sure this would be reconciling but he did apologize for what he had done and said the right things about recovery. He also has some neurological problems and agreed to go to a neurologist about them. He finally agreed that he has post traumatic stress from Iraq and to seek help.

I prayed for him to come home to our family but this is not the person I prayed for. He is broken and hurt. He is sad an pathetic. I am afraid if I do not help him out of this he will die. (Perhaps not intentionally but he will end up killing himself). So I have been helping him.

He spent the week in his barracks and came home this weekend. The more time I spend with him the more it feels like he is pulling away from me. When I spoke to him this evening he said that he was trying to do the right thing for his family. He was trying to be responsible. He is recommitted to staying sober and going to AA. He enjoyed the time with our son and me this weekend but…although he was no longer seeing the other woman he still wanted to be. He did not say it but I think he is still in love with her and pining away about their lost relationship.

Here I am trying to help him in the worst of times. Trying to rekindle our dying relationship. I am believing the other woman is out of the picture but she is not. Can reconciliation be possible under these circumstances? Should I go back to separation from him? Should I try to ride out this grieving process?


#2

sounds like infidelity is the symptom, not the problem, and that the problem, possibly the alcoholism aggravated by his experiences in Iraq, is way, way beyong the competence of anyone on this forum. coming from a long line of alcoholics my recommendation is that you join al-anon for your own sanity, and that you contact your priest for a referrel to a good Catholic counsellor for yourself.

I don’t know anything about the protocol involving military families facing crises, maybe military spouses here could offer advice, but I have to believe their is some mechanism for asking for help from his commanding offer in such situation as this.


#3

I think, the stress from the Iraq war and alcoholism has weakened his defenses to resist temptation. Since you two are still married, you have to help him, he is your soul mate, remember you two are one.

But he too has to pull himself up.

See a priest, you should take charge of the house rules now, since he has demonstrated he can’t, remove all alcohol, put him in a rehab program. And most of all, pray, pray by yourself, pray with him, get him to pray, bring your 5 year old during prayer times.

I recommend these prayers for him:

2heartsnetwork.org/police.htm

Prayers to St. Michael for policemen, and since he is a soldier, those prayers will work.

This one too:

"For Protection Against Evil and Danger

Dear St. Michael, the Archangel, protect us, both body and soul from the Evil One, his followers and anyone who would approach us with malicious intent.

Protect us, our bodies, and our cars, as we travel about in our daily activities.

Protect us, our bodies, our home, our property and possessions during times of storm, from all dangers of lightning, high winds, hail and flood waters. Amen."

Do the Chaplet of St. Michael, google this up, or read it here:

2heartsnetwork.org/Michael.htm

And the rosary, say your intentions before you start the rosary and how you want Mother mary to intercede.

God Bless


#4

I have to agree that the infidelity is a sympton, not the problem. You said he came back a different person. That’s the problem.

The world is going to tell you to throw the marriage away. That might happen. But you owe it to the marriage, the Church (and your son) to do all in your power to avoid that.

I’d make recommendations about separation, conditions etc. but I think the one you really need to hear (and follow) is get professional (both psychotherapeutic and priestly) help on this with someone who personally can assess the situation. We can’t on line. And follow through with it.

Prayers.


#5

Please go see the chaplain. Any denomination, although the priest would be best. Any chaplain no matter what denomination has a confidentiality agreement per Army regulation and cannot say anything to anyone including the chain of command.

Please PM me if you would like. I can help you through the Army system for support.


#6

You need to find a way to protect yourself and your son. You might try Ala-non, an excellent program to learn how to strengthen your own life. Tell him you love him, and will be supportive of his recovery, but that he must decide to travel that road on his own.


#7

im so sorry to hear what you are going through–

I will pray for you and I hope all will work out for you…remember, God has a plan for everything and everyone…eventually things will fall into place…

god bless you and yours


closed #8

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