I might as well lay it out there.
I’ve lived many years in depression, sloth, etc… I was neglected as a child in a dysfunctional family that did not like to spend time together. I also suffer from a lifelong social disorder, might be mild autism or adhd, I dunno which does not allow me to socialize well. It’s like there is a veil between me and others.
I am married, and my wife and kids have suffered because of my struggles to work and be a good father and friend. My wife and I struggle to have couples as friends. We have no one to take trips with because I never connect with the husband. The house is quiet and lonely. My kids picked up on this melancholy and absorbed some of it. They have trouble making friends as well and they are in their early 20’s and on their own.
I know the difference between a healthy happy family and a dysfunctional one, and that is causing me to suffer intensely with guilt and regret. If it were just me doing without vacations and friends, I could deal with that, but my family must suffer and I don’t understand why they must suffer for my personality/sins. My distracted personality has allowed me to be self employed for 25 years but we have never gotten any money saved. We are just treading water financially, emotionally, spiritually. We have no retirement saved and I am 55 and she is 60. I honestly think my wife would be better off sometimes if we separated so she could find someone happy. And she would be horrified to hear me say this but I just have to spit it out somewhere. I’m seeing a counselor next week.
It’s come to the point that I can’t stand to hear about others’ happiness, their nice vacations, the bbq’s and campfires they attend.
I am suffering intensely, and I ask for your prayers that I might come out of this funk.
Thanks for listening.