Hi everyone, I have been dating this girl for a month now. She is deeply in love me and cares about me a lot. Well recently she told me she is not a virgin (I am). It has been really bothering me a lot. What should I do?
Had you known each other before this month, friends perhaps? I don’t see being deeply in love in a month, but that’s my judgment.
I would look to find the reasons this bothers you and address them.
Well she seems to be more in love than I am. But the reason why it bothers me is that someone else has been with her in a sexual way. (Sparing the explicit details)
I understand that ( and assume it was not a result of violence inflicted on her). I was meaning more like: bothered because you desire to date/marry a virgin, in that case continuing the relationship might be problematic; or bothered that you judge her morals and values are not what you desire, continued dating might help you understand her stance better.
Just my opinion, but I see nothing wrong with continuing the relationship as you discern your desires and openly communicate them with her.
I do desire to marry a virgin but I dont want to break her heart over that. She is a sweet girl all around. But another problem is she is an atheist.
Wouldn’t it be better to be honest and upfront, risking her feelings now, than to prolong the relationship only to end it later?
I have thought about that. But a part of me doesnt want to break up.
Well that goes back to my second comment. Nothing wrong with continuing to date while discerning your path. Since you have been open on this topic, you can probably openly talk about others. For me an atheist might be in conflict with my Catholic values.
Yes but I think I could convert her. She has showed interest in the faith. But there is a major culture barrier that might keep her back.
It is good that you came here to share your story and help discern what you should do!
These decisions are usually not easy. I remember being very torn about an individual that I really cared about a lot, but just wasn’t quite a match for me. It was heartbreaking really.
You don’t have to decide immediately, but don’t take forever. Perhaps tell her kindly you’re busy for a few days and spend time alone going to Confession, Mass and spending time with Our Lord.
If you decide to end the relationship it might be more charitable for her sake to highlight your faith differences. Telling her it’s because she’s not a virgin (while partially true) might be quite painful and unnecessary since she can’t do anything about it at this point.
Please be assured of my prayers.
That is a difficult decision you wil have to make. As @Dacinom said, I too will offer up prayers for you.
If you’re deeply in love and you think she is living chastely now then I don’t see the problem. I imagine she told you this information because she likes you a lot and fears that it may cause you to reject her so she wants to get it out of the way quickly.
It may bother you but you need to ask yourself if it’s worth losing her over.
And remember that virginity is not a good indicator of any of the things that make a person marriageable.
Whatever upset you are feeling will fade with time as you get to know this person more.
Also remember that if she went to confession she owes you no apologies so don’t act like you are a victim.
Personally I think this is a stupid thing to break up over if all indications are that she has tried to live chastely since then.
Do nothing , She is a human being with emotions just like you , everyone will do things that seem a good idea at the time , you need to show maturity and see past minor details of a persons life and see the beauty of a beautiful relationship
YOU cannot convert her. Only the Holy Spirit can convert her.
Do not get in deeper or string her along unless you can be happy for the next 60+ years with her beliefs staying exactly where they are now.
If marrying a virgin is a deal breaker for you, end it today.
Oh my, I didn’t catch this.
People come as they are! Don’t ever stay in any relationship hoping the person will change at some point that’s a huge mistake. It’s true people change, they also don’t you can’t bet your future or your children’s future on it.
I never had this problem before. I have been interested in girls who werent virgins in the past. For some reason it is now bothering me so much. It might be my ocd leaking into my relationships now.
Well then that is the bigger problem. If she wasn’t a virgin but was living chastely and following the Catholic faith I’d say you’d be a fool to let her go. However you have to think about whether you want to spend your life with someone who may never convert to the faith. You can’t marry someone hoping they’ll change their beliefs. You must be able to accept them the way they are.
I’d say the big problem is not that she’s not a virgin but that she doesn’t share your most deeply held beliefs.
She has expressed interest in Catholicism. But where she is from religion is kinda deemed weird. (She is japanese)
Well that’s a start. But unless she has actually converted before you marry then you must assume she may not ever convert. You marry the person as they are, not as they might be.
It’s up to you to decide what you want to do. If you’re having major doubts then my advice would be not to drag it out too long and maybe break it off.
If you feel that you love her as she is now and could live with her for the rest of your life then you have your answer.
Thanks man, its definitely something I gotta think about.