Relationship advice, please


#1

Hi all,

I’ll make this easy for everyone to understand. Well my girlfriend bought some thongs (she told me she did, don’t worry :wink: :p) from none-other than Victoria’s Secret. I wouldn’t have too much of a problem with this if we were married or something, but we’re in high school! She’s getting thongs from VS in high school. Here’s what I’m pretty sure she got: (WARNING: do not view if you want to mantain a healthy, CLEAN, conscious!):
mobile.victoriassecret.com/mt/www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vsnamespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=GJ-259410&page=2&cgname=OSPTYTHGZZZ&rfnbr=1923

Alright, anyway I told her I didn’t want her wearing them. She obviously protested, but I said that thongs=lust=sin=bad things. I said thongs can lead to scandal and occasions of sin (I also called VS a ‘culture of the vagina’ but that’s a different story). She protested and when I brought up modesty in clothes she said ‘i already dress modestly and thongs are so comfy!’ etc., etc. It is true she never wears low cuts or anything like that. But still VS thongs in highschool is setting a girl up for disaster. (I also added that thongs objectify a girl). In the end she relented and said she will wear normal underwear now. But that left me feeling like a bad boyfriend for arguing over what underwear she can and can’t wear.

So what’s everyones take on this? In my sight I’m upholding the moral good but in her sight I’m a party pooper. She doesn’t see the reason why she should wear normal underwear because (and this is 100% true) ‘i won’t be seeing the thong’. I said it doesn’t matter if I see it or not, just the knowledge of her wearing it will cause me to lust. She countered by saying ‘what if I don’t tell you I have it on?’ I don’t really have a comeback to that so I brought up ‘thongs objectify a girl’.

I digress.

What’s everyone’s take? I think I’m right, she thinks she’s right. Who’s right? :stuck_out_tongue:

Coolduude:cool:


#2

OH my gosh! Because you are very young I will be GENTLE. Your gf's underwear choices are absolutely none of your business! She shouldn't be telling you about her underwear ANYWAY!! But if she must, it is still none of your business! Tell her you'd rather not hear about lingerie and you'd rather talk about a happier subject. Sometimes I can't believe what I read on these boards. :confused:


#3

[quote="coolduude, post:1, topic:186028"]
Hi all,

I'll make this easy for everyone to understand. Well my girlfriend bought some thongs (she told me she did, don't worry ;) :p) from none-other than Victoria's Secret. I wouldn't have too much of a problem with this if we were married or something, but we're in high school! She's getting thongs from VS in high school. Here's what I'm pretty sure she got: (WARNING: do not view if you want to mantain a healthy, CLEAN, conscious!):
mobile.victoriassecret.com/mt/www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vsnamespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=GJ-259410&page=2&cgname=OSPTYTHGZZZ&rfnbr=1923

Alright, anyway I told her I didn't want her wearing them. She obviously protested, but I said that thongs=lust=sin=bad things. I said thongs can lead to scandal and occasions of sin (I also called VS a 'culture of the vagina' but that's a different story). She protested and when I brought up modesty in clothes she said 'i already dress modestly and thongs are so comfy!' etc., etc. It is true she never wears low cuts or anything like that. But still VS thongs in highschool is setting a girl up for disaster. (I also added that thongs objectify a girl). In the end she relented and said she will wear normal underwear now. But that left me feeling like a bad boyfriend for arguing over what underwear she can and can't wear.

So what's everyones take on this? In my sight I'm upholding the moral good but in her sight I'm a party pooper. She doesn't see the reason why she should wear normal underwear because (and this is 100% true) 'i won't be seeing the thong'. I said it doesn't matter if I see it or not, just the knowledge of her wearing it will cause me to lust. She countered by saying 'what if I don't tell you I have it on?' I don't really have a comeback to that so I brought up 'thongs objectify a girl'.

I digress.

What's everyone's take? I think I'm right, she thinks she's right. Who's right? :p

Coolduude:cool:

[/quote]

Well technically there's nothing imoral about wearing stuff for VS as long as she isn't wearing for you whilst yall are unmarried or infront of other guys to be noticed. She might just wanna admire herself which is pretty typical amoung highschool girls. Like seriously man, girls love to look at themselves and think how good lookin they are. Which is kind of a good thing since many girls at the age can hate thier bodies then begin to starve an whatnot. Better she feels good about her self than hate herself.

I know you are concerned, but don't put yourself in the dog house over it. I say let it be.


#4

Now hey to be fair (to me) she asked first ‘what kind of underwear do you like? Wink wink ;)’ I thought she was talking about if we were older what I would want her to wear. So that’s what I answered and I guess she went out and bought it. I had no idea, to be honest. Had I any idea she would buy stuff like that I would have answered completely differently. No doubt about it. I would have given a more modest answer :slight_smile: but, given the context and the unknown factor (the unkown being her actually going to buy it) I answered well, not so modeslty. :frowning:

Now I feel as if I am the one to blame here. :frowning:


#5

It seems that your girlfriend wants to get your attention in a sexual way. This is very funny when you think about it.:rolleyes: Anyway just try to forget about the whole situation. These are things that married couples talk about, things high school couples shouldn’t even think about twice.


#6

[quote="coolduude, post:4, topic:186028"]
Now hey to be fair (to me) she asked first 'what kind of underwear do you like? Wink wink ;)' I thought she was talking about if we were older what I would want her to wear. So that's what I answered and I guess she went out and bought it. I had no idea, to be honest. Had I any idea she would buy stuff like that I would have answered completely differently. No doubt about it. I would have given a more modest answer :) but, given the context and the unknown factor (the unkown being her actually going to buy it) I answered well, not so modeslty. :(

Now I feel as if I am the one to blame here. :(

[/quote]

Ok dear, that explains a bit. :shrug: So, she needs to wear what she considers pretty, and not what turns you on, at this point in your marital status. :eek: Maybe she doesn't have a quite clear understanding of a modest attitude? Weird. :confused:


#7

She’s a tease.

Find a new girlfriend.

If you have the kind of principles where you care if a woman is objectified and your gf is leading you into discussions about her underwear and telling you about them, you need a new girlfriend. Next thing she’ll be finding ways to show you. She wants in your head to have the image of what she is wearing.

(And no, not every woman finds that kind of thing more comfortable! And it’s icky from a hygiene point of view! )

Do you intrude upon her mind with pictures of what jockstraps you wear?

Then when you react, she gets all huffy. She planted an image in YOUR mind of something you have no business knowing, you reacted, now YOU are the party pooper. Welcome to Manipulation 101.

She set you up.

She plays head games. That was NOT an innocent conversation.

It’s hard enough to be good. You don’t need the kind of girl that leads you on and intrudes into your mind with images of her underwear.

Nor do you have any business dictating to her what to wear.

You’re both wrong. I don’t care how modestly she dresses, she’s a bit of a hypocrite when she tears down that outward wall of modesty to individuals and basically lets them know what she’s not wearing. Especially with a guy, the imagination does a good job filling in the blanks.

If you’re really trying to be good, she’s not for you. You can never erase that conversation or the images she’s put in your mind. She is trying to take you to the next level of a false intimacy. You’re in high school, and she is entirely inappropriate. And I just wonder how many other guys know what kind of underwear she wears.

What if she doesn’t tell you she has it on? She can’t help herself, dude! She will. Or she’ll hint until you guess. It’s a lace-trimmed form of peer pressure. Run from her.

She has already put the image in your mind. You can’t unring that bell. Her boundaries are flimsy and unless you want to be the one maintaining morality and propriety in that relationship, get out of it. She didn’t respect your rights by telling you such personal things.


#8

If you watch nearly any H.S. or college volleyball team, they are all wearing thongs, they are only thing that would not show through the lycra athletic shorts they wear. I promise you, the last thing on those ladies' minds is being sexy during a match.


#9

Just for the record, VS is great stuff. It lasts, and it’s generally comfortable, and it’s not wrong to buy things from there. :smiley:

This situation, however, is not so great. It reminds of my ex-boyfriend, who, when I mentioned offhand that I had never owned a bikini (I was swim team–we don’t do strings!), went out and bought me the skimpiest, most inappropriate bikini he could find, and his feelings were hurt when I didn’t want to wear it.

I didn’t get the hint, and the relationship ended badly, and now I have a whole lot of things to bring up in my first confession next month. :blush: Take the hint.


#10

I really want to just look at this last paragraph here. there are a lot of things I am having trouble with.

So what’s everyones take on this? In my sight I’m upholding the moral good but in her sight I’m a party pooper. She doesn’t see the reason why she should wear normal underwear because (and this is 100% true) ‘i won’t be seeing the thong’. I said it doesn’t matter if I see it or not, just the knowledge of her wearing it will cause me to lust. She countered by saying ‘what if I don’t tell you I have it on?’ I don’t really have a comeback to that so I brought up ‘thongs objectify a girl’.

I’ll break it down.

She doesn’t see the reason why she should wear normal underwear because (and this is 100% true) ‘i won’t be seeing the thong’. I said it doesn’t matter if I see it or not, just the knowledge of her wearing it will cause me to lust.

If she is advertising what kind of underwear she is wearing, this is a problem. However, your statement about lusting just based off of thinking about what she is wearing under her clothes, this suggests a shortcoming on your part. You need to be able to have a little more control over your thoughts. It is inevitable that throughout your life you are going to see women in their underwear, at waterparks, etc, and you can’t expect that women have to wear bulap sacks so as not to stir up lust. A good way someone described it to me is that we all should be moving more and more to be like Jesus. Do you think that if Jesus saw a woman in a bikini that he would be led to lust for her immediately and demand she cover up, or would he have more control over his thoughts than that? Same case. Yes, women need to be respectful to the struggle of men, but that doesn’t mean we have to do the waterslides in shorts and tee shirts.

She countered by saying ‘what if I don’t tell you I have it on?’ I don’t really have a comeback to that so I brought up ‘thongs objectify a girl’.

This part really bothered me. She should be able to wear whatever she likes under her clothes because, frankly, it’s not your business. You aren’t her husband. You are right, she doesn’t need to advertise her style of underwear or show it to you when she’s not wearing it. This is inappropriate as an unmarried woman. However, thongs do NOT objectify women. They serve a purpose (eliminates panty lines with some business outfits) and some women genuinely find them more comfortable. A style of underwear that no one sees doesn’t objectify a woman any more than the kind of socks she wears. Objectification comes from what men do when they treat a woman like a sex object than a sister in christ.

I understand the struggle than men (especially young men) have when it comes to the struggle with immodest young women. Unfortunatly, you can’t control what the women around you choose to wear. You have to train your mind (fasting is great for this) to not treat them as objects when a woman with modesty issues walks by. I know many men who have mastered this. THe problem is, you can’t be handed over to mysogynistic attitudes about women and try to control them. This means a future wife. Yes, you should guard her modesty as a loving husband, but if you become utterly focused on what she wears under her clothes, that suggests a real problem with controlling issues.

Now, you sugested that she asked you what kind of underwear you like and she bought it for that reason. This doesn’t really mesh with her saying they are more comfortable, but lets run with it. It’s normal for girls to try and make themselves as sexually appealing as they can to a mate, even if they are celibate. It’s a temptation women face as we want to drive the men nuts so they’ll get a ring on the finger. I myself am guilty of this when dating my now husband. Yeah, I’d do my hair nicer, and wear only clothes I knew he found appealing more when he was around. However, going as far as to show you her underwear when she’s not wearing and tell you that she is wearing it just to drive you utterly wild with desire is a little mean. She is not doing it on purpose (I’m willing to bet money on that) to frustrate you, she is trying to seduce you. She is trying to make you believe she is the sexiest woman in the world to win you over for the long haul. It’s all part of the game of love. You just need to gently remind her that you just can’t withstand that temptation. I’d suggest something like this:

“Honey, I know I told you I liked thongs. THe thing is, I do. I REALLY do, especially on a woman as beautiful as you. The problem is I like them too much, and it really makes me want to do things that we can’t do because we’re not married. I care about you so much, and I don’t want to think about you in that way because you aren’t my wife, and I want to honor a woman like that only in marriage. We’re way to young for marriage, so if you really want to wear thongs, I really shouldn’t know about it.”

This woman isn’t a skank or a tease or anything like that. She’s just a young girl who clearly cares about you deeply and is trying to win you over for the long haul in the way that nature is telling her right now. Just as your desire for her is strong, her desire to WANT to be wanted is just as strong. Be patient with her, and be patient with yourself.

I can tell you thought that women of ANY age don’t take too well to being told wheat not to wear by a prospective mate. Especially if it is something no one ever sees. It comes across as controlling and for us, that is a HUGE red flag. Be open and honest with her and communicate. It’s a skill you’re REALLY gunna need in the future! :slight_smile:


#11

All:

Breaking up with this girl is entirely out of the question. I feel your judgements were rash and made (obviously) without full knowledge of the relationship. I won’t dive into details, but she does not make many slip ups and, despite this one mistake, she is a very very religious person. To be honest, I don’t think she knew better. And, to be honest, I was hurt by a few rash judgements on the part of others. Now that I got my advice I would appreciate if we could all let this thread slowly die as I realize it was a foolish argument and I probably didn’t need any insight in the first place.

Thank you,
cooldude.


#12

On the one hand, she bought it because you said you liked it. On the other hand, she says they are comfortable. Is it both?

Personally I see nothing wrong with VS or wearing thongs in highschool. I am not a fan of underwear lines seen through pants. I am also not a fan of thongs hanging out from jeans.

Underwear is a personal choice. I say let her wear whatever she wants, as it isn't much of your business right now.

Just don't spend too much time on this and other similar things as you might be tempted. :)


#13

I think I agree with Whitacre Girl, this sounds like a case of a young girl trying to do whatever she thinks will please her boyfriend most. She might not have understood that the mere idea of her wearing the underwear would be enough to cause sin.

I would only worry if she started trying to show it to him or make him think about it. If she does - after being asked politely to stop - then that’s a red flag.


#14

Dude: Some of us have been around twice as long as you or more. You asked for advice. Don’t get snippy with us when we give it and then call us harsh and judgmental. We went with the facts YOU gave us.

However innocent and religious she may be, she’s going way out of her way with you in a direction a high school kid has no business doing.

And for future reference, if you can’t imagine having a conversation with her in front of her father, don’t have it. What would HE think of you suggesting his daughter wear thong underwear? Play that conversation in your head again and imagine him sitting there listening to it and then showing you the door.


#15

*This is my take…I personally don’t think teens should get so serious in a romantic relationship, that a bf is telling a girl what underwear to wear or not wear…I also don’t think that a gf should be telling her bf about her underwear purchases, if they are trying to be chaste. I don’t see anything inherently wrong with wearing a thong…but, I think that your conversation was a little over the top for your ages. This is why I don’t believe teens should be so serious in high school…nothing wrong with dating, but I’m a firm believer in waiting until you’re mature enough to handle a serious relationship…the fact that ‘‘she didn’t know better,’’ (your words) shows me that she shouldn’t be in a serious relationship, just yet. This is the kind of chats adults have, not kids.

Just my two cents. *


#16

*I will say kudos to you though cooldude for being strong, and teaching your gf about modesty. If she does end up wanting to show you the thong though? I would take Liberano's advice, and not continue with her. :o

On another note...or a rant on VS, maybe. I can't believe they advertise to teens. I walk in there sometimes and see 13, 14 yr old girls rifling through the thong table, and I think to myself...yikes. This is such a turn off for an adult woman...I don't want to be buying my lingerie in the same shop that a teen does. :o My dd thinks it's gross, she is 13...and can't imagine buying her underwear in an adult lingerie shop. VS must not be making sales like they used to if they had to change their marketing like that...I remember when the store was very classy, now the front looks like I walked into a teen slumber party. (cute things, but it doesn't belong in the front of a woman's lingerie shop) Rant over, thanks. ;)*


closed #17

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.