I really want to just look at this last paragraph here. there are a lot of things I am having trouble with.
So what’s everyones take on this? In my sight I’m upholding the moral good but in her sight I’m a party pooper. She doesn’t see the reason why she should wear normal underwear because (and this is 100% true) ‘i won’t be seeing the thong’. I said it doesn’t matter if I see it or not, just the knowledge of her wearing it will cause me to lust. She countered by saying ‘what if I don’t tell you I have it on?’ I don’t really have a comeback to that so I brought up ‘thongs objectify a girl’.
I’ll break it down.
She doesn’t see the reason why she should wear normal underwear because (and this is 100% true) ‘i won’t be seeing the thong’. I said it doesn’t matter if I see it or not, just the knowledge of her wearing it will cause me to lust.
If she is advertising what kind of underwear she is wearing, this is a problem. However, your statement about lusting just based off of thinking about what she is wearing under her clothes, this suggests a shortcoming on your part. You need to be able to have a little more control over your thoughts. It is inevitable that throughout your life you are going to see women in their underwear, at waterparks, etc, and you can’t expect that women have to wear bulap sacks so as not to stir up lust. A good way someone described it to me is that we all should be moving more and more to be like Jesus. Do you think that if Jesus saw a woman in a bikini that he would be led to lust for her immediately and demand she cover up, or would he have more control over his thoughts than that? Same case. Yes, women need to be respectful to the struggle of men, but that doesn’t mean we have to do the waterslides in shorts and tee shirts.
She countered by saying ‘what if I don’t tell you I have it on?’ I don’t really have a comeback to that so I brought up ‘thongs objectify a girl’.
This part really bothered me. She should be able to wear whatever she likes under her clothes because, frankly, it’s not your business. You aren’t her husband. You are right, she doesn’t need to advertise her style of underwear or show it to you when she’s not wearing it. This is inappropriate as an unmarried woman. However, thongs do NOT objectify women. They serve a purpose (eliminates panty lines with some business outfits) and some women genuinely find them more comfortable. A style of underwear that no one sees doesn’t objectify a woman any more than the kind of socks she wears. Objectification comes from what men do when they treat a woman like a sex object than a sister in christ.
I understand the struggle than men (especially young men) have when it comes to the struggle with immodest young women. Unfortunatly, you can’t control what the women around you choose to wear. You have to train your mind (fasting is great for this) to not treat them as objects when a woman with modesty issues walks by. I know many men who have mastered this. THe problem is, you can’t be handed over to mysogynistic attitudes about women and try to control them. This means a future wife. Yes, you should guard her modesty as a loving husband, but if you become utterly focused on what she wears under her clothes, that suggests a real problem with controlling issues.
Now, you sugested that she asked you what kind of underwear you like and she bought it for that reason. This doesn’t really mesh with her saying they are more comfortable, but lets run with it. It’s normal for girls to try and make themselves as sexually appealing as they can to a mate, even if they are celibate. It’s a temptation women face as we want to drive the men nuts so they’ll get a ring on the finger. I myself am guilty of this when dating my now husband. Yeah, I’d do my hair nicer, and wear only clothes I knew he found appealing more when he was around. However, going as far as to show you her underwear when she’s not wearing and tell you that she is wearing it just to drive you utterly wild with desire is a little mean. She is not doing it on purpose (I’m willing to bet money on that) to frustrate you, she is trying to seduce you. She is trying to make you believe she is the sexiest woman in the world to win you over for the long haul. It’s all part of the game of love. You just need to gently remind her that you just can’t withstand that temptation. I’d suggest something like this:
“Honey, I know I told you I liked thongs. THe thing is, I do. I REALLY do, especially on a woman as beautiful as you. The problem is I like them too much, and it really makes me want to do things that we can’t do because we’re not married. I care about you so much, and I don’t want to think about you in that way because you aren’t my wife, and I want to honor a woman like that only in marriage. We’re way to young for marriage, so if you really want to wear thongs, I really shouldn’t know about it.”
This woman isn’t a skank or a tease or anything like that. She’s just a young girl who clearly cares about you deeply and is trying to win you over for the long haul in the way that nature is telling her right now. Just as your desire for her is strong, her desire to WANT to be wanted is just as strong. Be patient with her, and be patient with yourself.
I can tell you thought that women of ANY age don’t take too well to being told wheat not to wear by a prospective mate. Especially if it is something no one ever sees. It comes across as controlling and for us, that is a HUGE red flag. Be open and honest with her and communicate. It’s a skill you’re REALLY gunna need in the future!