So I have been dating my bf for about 9 months now. We are both in our mid-twenties. He was exactly the guy I would never have dated. For a long time I was judgmental and looked for a guy who was very Christian and came from a solid family background. But his gentle, kind personality really took me aback. I finally gave in and started dating him. For so long everything was near perfect. Every problem we had we compromised or came to a solution on. My bf treats me like gold. He listens to me, he is genuinely interested in everything I believe, think and do. He loves my family and they love him. My boyfriend was raised differently then me. His mom and stepfather had a very difficult, tumultuous relationship. His mother was an alcoholic, his stepfather taught him that porn was just good, and normal. He told me that he saw a lot of selfishness in his parents relationship and would never want to be like them.
Well all was great until a month ago I realized he was viewing porn (after he promised me he stopped 6 months earlier). I genuinely just trusted him because it never occurred to me that he was addicted or would lie about it.
(And guys please don’t say that women don’t understand the impulse or pull towards it. We have sex drives too! We do have temptation for the same things. And our sex drives are not that much different)
He has since promised that he has stopped. He says it isn’t even a problem it just never occurred to him that this was a big deal since he has been doing it since he was a teenager. It is hard to believe him sometimes when I read just HOW addictive it is. And he has computer access all day everyday for work. He told me I can put a nanny program or a blocker on his comps if I want, but I opted out. It just seems like this is something he has to decide if he can overcome or if he NEEDS those programs then I will utilize them. (Thankfully, I am much more computer savy)
Anyway I almost gave up on him this time for lying to me. It really hurt me a lot this time because I was starting to think that I could marry him someday. I am getting ready to go to RCIA and get confirmed. We were both baptized Catholic but I have always had faith, he never really was taught much about it. Since we have dated he has come to church with me and shown a bit of interest, he has also told me that he sees how God has been working in his life now. I pray every night that his yearning continues to get stronger.
At first I was so sad about this porn thing, but now I am glad I learned about it now rather then later on when I am married to someone. I know that if he still doing it he will be honest enough to tell me, and if he isn’t then I am sure the truth will emerge somehow. I think our relationship will be much stronger if we can overcome this and have a better understanding of the meaning of marriage and sex. I have faith that God will lead me in the right direction and if that means to break up I will definitely do it.
So anyway right now I am thinking of all the questions and things that I should be trying to learn about him that could arise in the future as well.
I don’t want to be blindsided anymore. Somethings we have discussed and agree upon so far are - raising our children Catholic, homeschooling after a certain age, practicing NFP, me being a stay at home mom, where we might live, our friends and lifestyles, habits (drinking, eating, exercise etc) …
What questions do you wish you had asked your spouses before you decided to get engaged? What things do you wish you had knew and learned first?
Thanks for you input.