Relationship advice

I met an amazing woman. She is so kind, caring, happy and hard working. More than any other woman I’ve ever dated. Most importantly she is a devout Catholic. She goes to church almost every day, prays and reads the bible every day and is always pointing me back to God. I feel like my relationship with God and the church is stronger because of her. I feel in love with her.

So what’s the problem? She sounds like the perfect one right? Well, it makes me feel horrible to say it but, I’m not sure about her looks. She’s petite and takes good care of herself yet but, while I feel terrible for saying it her face isn’t beautiful.

It’s the worst feeling in the world because I feel like I’ve found the perfect woman and I truly care about her yet, I’m letting something so shallow and vain get in the way. I feel like the worst man ever. I’m afraid that I’d always feel like I could have found a more attractive woman and I think that’s awful… She deserves to be loved and appreciated so much.

I need some advice on what I should do. Am I stupid to give up such a wonderful woman because of this or are looks actually important in a marriage? Is it Un-Christian for me to be having these feelings? Is it possible that God will help make me more attracted to her?

I really appreciate any advice!

Good grief man. You better hope she never figured out your caf. Handle. 50 years in the future…

How long do you know this woman?

I would say that normally if you love someone they will look beautiful to you. You say you feel in love. What does that mean? You have a warm fuzzy feeling when she’s around, or do you feel that you could look after her for life, in sickness or health, no matter what.
Looks are supposed to be the first thing that attracts us to a person, but looks fade, and love is deeper than just what a person looks like.

I guess there’s no right answer to this but I would certainly feel that if you’re saying she doesn’t look beautiful to you, and that bothers you…perhaps you should think about where it’s going.

Yeah, you might be a fool to let her go, but no woman wants to think that her husband doesn’t find her beautiful.

Just out of curiosity, what age are you both?

Looks fade and personality is forever.

Lou

If I were the woman, I’d want you to break up with me. Everyone deserves 100% love, and if you can’t give that, don’t lead her on. It’s unfair to her. It’s quite possible that there’s someone out there who thinks she is absolutely gorgeous–do you want to block her from meeting that person? Why not just be friends?

Thanks for the replies. I know I must sound like a jerk…

I feel in love because I feel like I’d want to share my life with her and take care of her. I want to spend every moment with her. Also, she just is so loving she makes me so happy to be around her. I love that she keeps my focus on God.

It’s different that a lustful kind of love of being with someone because they are super hot or exciting to be around. It feels like something lasting and wholesome and not temporary.

It’s also not that I don’t find her attractive. She’s cute to me. It’s more that I feel like my family and friends expect me to find someone more attractive. Maybe the problem is more that I’m too worried about what others think. But, also, as a shallow man, I think there is a misguided desire to want a “hot” wife to desire and feel confident. I feel like that is conditioning rather than who I really am. I’m not sure that’s what God would approve of those feeling.

She’s 26 and I’m 30. We’re both looking for a Godly Marriage and commitment.

well, since you asked…

is it a shallow reason? short answer, yeah. looks hardly matter when you’re both 60. in fact, they are way overglamorized now as it stands

however, if this is genuinely how you feel and it bothers you that much that you are even considering giving up the relationship, well, maybe you should, because it really is not fair to her. and if for some reason, you don’t get over this feeling, it could cause other serious problems down the road

I personally think that looks should be a non-issue in relationships, but sadly, we live in a world where that is not the case.

ultimately though, it is your decision to make, none of us can really tell you what to do

You are right about this–what you said Lou, just about sums it up, perfectly. :slight_smile:

I think that when you really love and care about someone JasontheRed, you will find that what matters more is what is on the inside of the person and what is in their emotional heart, as opposed to what is on the outside, and how they look. :slight_smile:

ETA: I just saw your response to everyone.

I think that it would probably be more helpful for you to focus more on your own feelings and thoughts regarding your relationship, as opposed to what your family thinks. I think that it would probably also help you to see what motivates you as well, if you think that you are a shallow person, as you tend to describe yourself.

I generally don’t think that basing a relationship on looks alone is a good way to go. As we age, those looks are naturally going to start to change.

We get wrinkles, our hair changes and starts to thin and goes gray, for example. We are not going to look as we once did as we get older, thirty years ago, as time marches on.

Ok. Well fair play for being honest. I think what you’re feeling - the idea in your head that you can find a “hotter” woman - is something that many men wrestle with at some point. It’s a suggestion of the devil, in my opinion. A temptation to judge based on exterior and temporary things, and a temptation to look at someone you love and judge them based solely on looks. You need to pray, to take this to God.
If you really feel that this woman is who you’re called to marry (your vocation!) then I wouldn’t worry about looks. It could well be that the devil is encouraging this feeling if she’s bringing you closer to God.
As regards your family, well, it’s up to you who you marry. You’re the one who will have to live with her and love her, nobody else. Ultimately, it’s your decision and you shouldn’t put too much store in what your family thinks.

[quote=AdamPeter;13946840
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Yes to both of these. It is you and your girlfriend in a relationship, not you, your girlfriend and your family. Stop focusing on what they think, you have to work out your own feelings and act on those. Don’t act on what you think your family feels.

Lou
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If you haven’t been dating long, there’s nothing wrong with giving it a bit more time to see if chemistry develops. Love at first sight is neither the norm nor the ideal.

But do not, DO NOT marry someone just because she checks the right boxes. Marriage is, of course, more than a feeling; it’s the conscious decision to love as lived out in your daily lives. The romantic, lovey-dovey phase passes. Nevertheless, if you feel like you’re “settling” and you are not in love with this woman, don’t cheat her or yourself by marrying her!

If you do not think she is beautiful after more time goes by, don’t marry her.

Sure, you will tell her you love her, and that she is x, y and z. But if you can’t tell her she is beautiful, she will know. She will know that she is all of those things, but not beautiful. And she will wonder why you don’t find her beautiful, and she will always feel lesser for that.

:confused: angell1, I know you are nowhere near 60, so I don’t know where you came up with this. Do you think people just give up after they turn a certain age or something? :rolleyes:

When you are dating at your age, you are seeing the best of the best. She looks In The mirror before she goes out of the house and says " yup, this is my image today". When you get married you see everything the world does not. Especially when children come along. You will see what flu wife looks like, what tired wife looks like, what morning breath eye bag wife looks like. You will see her at her worst. If she wants you in the delivery room you will see the absolute worst. I married a gorgeous woman. A good 3 to 4 points higher than me on a 10 point scale, but the most attracted I’ve ever been to her is during these hard times. The birth of our first child. The time I almost lost her to a pulmonary embolism, and yes, the time she was so sick that I had to clean the whole bathroom top to bottom. 3am feedings with a newborn and no sleep. I’ve never been more turned on.

I guess kudos is in order for at least being honest about your insecurities with friends and family. But Honestly, you might not have the maturity or depth to move forward with this. It’s good that you recognize this and it gives hope for a change from you, but don’t risk this young child of God’s heart to find out if you can overcome these superficial expectations you feel others put on you.

If you are struggling now with her looks and you almost feel ashamed from friends and family then honestly I can’t imagine your view would be helpful to marriage.

Yup. This is the time whe most people are so totally over the moon crazy about each other about everything. If it isn’t there now, how will it ever be?

Hate to say this to you man. But she might be too good for you. You can’t have all that devotion under your thumb while you size up the rest of the birds over her shoulder. That’s not fair. No one would willingly get into that type of relationship with you if they knew that’s how it was.

So either you’ve got to get some deeper views. Or she’s got to find someone else who does. That’s about it. There can be no settling for things. Not at all.

Peace.

-Trident

What, specifically, makes you think that your family and friends expect this?

Maybe the problem is that you are making up a story in your head about what you think other people think.

Or else, you need some new friends. And possibly some cojones.

Conditioned by whom?

So what I’m understanding from some of you is that looks really are important. It’s not enough to just love someone for who they are as a person.

I guess I could have taken that path the moment I met her and never would have gotten to know how beautiful she is on the inside.That’s what most guys do. Apparently I’m less mature and a worse for giving her inner beauty a chance.

Because of her looks she’s only had one boyfriend before and he emotionally and physically abused her.

I guess it’s better for her to settle for undesirable men or be alone than for me to show her love even if I’m not super attracted to her. I never said I wasn’t attracted to her at all because I am.

Honestly, I don’t buy any of that or the judgement passed on me here. I’m proud of myself for wanting to try and love someone for who they are on the inside. Posting my raw honest feelings here helped me to realize that.

Instead of asking here, I should have just gone straight to God. I think He would encourage me to go after true love, look past lust and idolatry and love this woman for the true beauty that’s inside. In that way I would find her always beautiful in every way.*

Looks are important to some people.

I’m not sure how you arrived at that conclusion.

I think people are saying if you can’t love her as she is, move on.

I don’t see where you got that in these posts. I think you have misunderstood.

Then what is the problem?

Well then, I think you have your answer.

Thanks for the loving reply. I think that’s exactly how Jesus would have responded.

I don’t know about you but, I grew up in a society that idolizes physical beauty, lust and sex. Most of the boys in my generation thought pornography was a normal part of growing up. Every advertisement, movie, song tells you this is what you should want.

I’m just a man who despite growing up in that world, is trying to do the opposite and love someone for her inner beauty above all else. I came here in humility admitting my shallow doubts and faults, looking to be encouraged to follow a deeper more Godly love. Luckily a couple people did that. But, mostly I got told I’m not mature enough, I don’t deserve her and that I need to grow some cojones… That’s really sad. Where’s the love?

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