So I’m struggling in my relationship. Let me just say that it’s my first relationship so it might cloud my judgement. It is also extremely messy.
For the longest time, I put her before myself in everything I did. I thought this was what you did when you were in love with someone. I put my life on hold for 5 years.
Well, recently I got the advice to take a two week break. Just to step away from the relationship and try to see it in a new perspective. The first 4 days was awful. I cried so many times and felt sick to my stomach. I thought this meant I loved her more than I thought or missed her. It had to mean something.
But lately, I’m finding out that maybe we can’t give the other one what they need. Though it feels incredibly selfish that I am finally able to live my life, I admit it feels so good. I’ve been at a crossroads for awhile now because I could have either tried for her more and maybe we can still work it out. Or I can actually go out with friends without feeling guilty or be looking at my phone all the time. I can enjoy myself.
The issue lies in the fact that every time something like this has happened, I have given it to God. And we have always came back together. So I’m not sure what this is telling me. To stick it out because it could be beautiful in the end? Maybe I’m meant to be with her?
But then I think of the other things. We have almost nothing in common. Our values aren’t aligned. People have said she treats my like a shiny toy that nobody else can have.
I just looked past it all. Because love is acceptance. It never fails.
Maybe it just feels like we’re meant to be together because of everything we’ve been through. Maybe I’m afraid to lose her after trying so hard.
I had someone tell me once that I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Maybe I’m trying to save her with love. But how do I know it’s meant to be?
I can’t deny the fact that I’m happy figuring out my life without needing to constantly be there for her. I picked up a new hobby, I’m more carefree, I can join up with friends and enjoy each others company. After living for someone else for so long, it feels nice to not feel like I’m disappointing them all the time. It’s all just so confusing.
Maybe it’s all going to come down to a choice.
She told me that I’m making her choose between getting her life together and being with me. She told me that I was the only person she could talk to about her bad days or the only one she wanted to cuddle with. And that I took that all away.
It feels like I can’t win. Either way a heart is going to get broken. And that seems so bad that my happiness or freedom could be the result of me breaking her heart.
It doesn’t help that I flip with my emotions.
People tell me she’s a security blanket. She’s all I’ve known. My first everything. The center of my universe for so long. And anytime we talk it’s like nothing ever changed. And my heart melts.
People tell me that I have to give her clear guidelines of what I want. But should that matter if I’m content with her? Yea, it’s not ideal to be glued to someone. But if I have the capability to do so and make her happy, why wouldn’t I?
How do you know when God is telling you something? When your happiness isn’t an evil thing?
People tell me that I shouldn’t feel bad for doing what I want. Within reason of course. And with her, it always made me feel guilty because I wasn’t doing it for her. I would always feel tied down. And I know that’s not how it should be. But why did I sacrifice everything for her?
Maybe I’m not the one for her and she’s not the one for me. But there was always hope.
Is happiness selfish when it’s the product of someone’s sadness?