Relationship evaluation


#1

I'm a young man (21) and I have a girlfriend. She is my first girlfriend. We've been dating 5 months so far. We're both virgins (we think that sex must be lived only in marriage). We try to avoid sexual excitement (so, we don't even kiss and we have talked about that and we both agree that is the best way to live in our relationship status). She is very modest while choosing her clothes. We're both Catholics.

Until here everything is perfect. But I do have contradictory thoughts about her and my relationship. And I alone cannot figure it out several things:

  • How do I know she's the one? (I know I'm very young to think about marriage, but that's the way we want to live our relationship, always with that future possibility.)

  • She has flaws (like me and everyone). I've been told that I have to think if I'm able to live with those flaws forever. But I think that's a very negative point of view, and the word "forever" can be very difficult to digest (at least for me). Shouldn't it be better another approach like "Do I want to live with those flaws?". I think my "yes" can be much more powerful if I say "I want" rather than "I can".

  • I have periodical states of doubt about her and our relationship. They can be triggered by the most tiny thing sometimes. They last until I see her again. Is this normal?

  • She tends to take control of the relationship. I want to be chivalrous with her, but she doesn't trait me like a chivalrous man always. That's one of her flaws. Should I do something about it? I've already told her that I don't like that behaviour. Then she realizes she hurt me, and ask for forgiveness. Of course, I always forgive her. But I don't know if I [can/want] to life like this forever. I now you can't say "do this" or "do that", but I really need some enlightenment here.

  • Of course, any recommendation is welcome.


#2

Hi, God bless you both for your wise and blessed chastity and modesty.

You admit you are young and that you have doubts. You feel you must regard her as your girlfriend whom you …should inevitably …plan to marry. Should you regard her as your girl friend but you don’t have to decide now that you’ll marry, as you seem to have nagging doubts.

If you cannot be yourself and she controls you now, she would control you in marriage.

Everyone has faults so none of us will be perfect for another nor will any other person be perfect for us. We therefore can decide never to commit to anyone, or we can grow in charity and understanding…with a third possibility that the growth necessary is unreasonable and the other person’s demands or control unreasonable, in which case we are best to wait for another.

There is a need for both to grow, and perhaps she also is capable of advancing in compassion and understanding, with time and patience.No one, as you know, especially not knowing you nor her, can give you any definite answers.

Thank you both for your wonderful example. You are both a blessing for all of us in your chastity and goodwill.


#3

My thoughts on that are read the Catechism, I have been enlightened greatly, recently about all the things I have been doing wrong in all my relationships. The priests and Deacon in my parish have been great in pointing me in the right direction, and the catechism answers some of my other questions.


#4

God bless you for your committment to chastity! You will not regret it, ever!

The questions you ask are well thought out, and good questions. The answers will not likely come here on the internet, but over the course of time.

You have been dating five months, continue to ask yourself questions and spend time in prayer. She may be your future wife or may wind up being a lovely young lady that you dated for a while. Jesus knows you and knows what is best for you, he loves you so much! Turn to him he will certainly guide you and give yourself time and keep your heart open as well as your eyes and ears.


#5

May I add that sometimes I feel terrified by the word always. I don’t know if I want to live with her flaws forever. Because they hurt me. But on the other hand, I see her as my salvation, because my flaws disappear by the effect of her virtues…

I don’t know what to think.


#6

Hmm… not quite sure what you mean here. She should be a good influence, encourage you to strive for holiness, for you to consider her for marriage, but don’t assume she is your ticket to salvation, that she fixes your flaws… That is something only you can do, work on your flaws. You want a spouse that helps you do this, but the spouse cannot do it for you. Marriage is forever, for always, but you don’t need to be terrified of this word, it is a good thing! The bond you create in marriage cannot be broken here on Earth, so you want it to be forever, till death do you part. You need to prayerfully discern whether or not it would be a good idea to have this bond with this girl. Like Monica mentioned, I woudl definitely bring it to prayer, ask God to help you figure out what He wants of you, He knows you best and He wants what is best for you!
Keeping chasitity/purity is an asset to helping you figure out your future with this young lady, it is very good that you are committed to this. Caving in in this area can lead to misguided feelings and confusion, and even bonds that should not be there.


#7

You are 21 and have only been dating for 5 months. Relax!

That isn’t to say that your questions aren’t valid and important. They are. But they don’t require answers at this point in time. They are things that you discover or discern over time. When you’re dating someone, you work out over time whether you want to be with that person forever (yes, it is a long time) and whether their faults (we all have them) are dealbreakers or not for you. If you decide that she’s not “the one”, then break it off and move on. But until then, don’t stress too much about it and let the relationship take its course.

At some point, to be fair to her and yourself, you will need to make some sort of decisions, but not after 5 months. I don’t really know when, and being only 21 I don’t think you need to rush. But if in another year you have the same sort of feelings and doubts, then she’s probably not the right girl for you.


#8

[quote="lifeisbeautiful, post:6, topic:252586"]
Hmm... not quite sure what you mean here. She should be a good influence, encourage you to strive for holiness, for you to consider her for marriage, but don't assume she is your ticket to salvation, that she fixes your flaws.... That is something only you can do, work on your flaws. You want a spouse that helps you do this, but the spouse cannot do it for you. Marriage is forever, for always, but you don't need to be terrified of this word, it is a good thing! The bond you create in marriage cannot be broken here on Earth, so you want it to be forever, till death do you part. You need to prayerfully discern whether or not it would be a good idea to have this bond with this girl. Like Monica mentioned, I woudl definitely bring it to prayer, ask God to help you figure out what He wants of you, He knows you best and He wants what is best for you!
Keeping chasitity/purity is an asset to helping you figure out your future with this young lady, it is very good that you are committed to this. Caving in in this area can lead to misguided feelings and confusion, and even bonds that should not be there.

[/quote]

:nope: Marriage is until death, not forever. The kind of love that is eternal does not exist in marriage, unfortunate eh?

It is what it is and it isn't what it isn't
:shrug:


#9

[quote="LordSwa, post:1, topic:252586"]
- She tends to take control of the relationship. I want to be chivalrous with her, but she doesn't trait me like a chivalrous man always.

[/quote]

What did you mean by that, if you don't mind me asking? And I am asking because I'm getting a hunch the literal meaning isn't what you had in mind but rather we're talking about some unique significance to you, some unique associations. If you could clarify that a bit, I could have a better picture to try and give you my point of view.

I've already told her that I don't like that behaviour.

Would you mind providing a couple of examples?

[quote="LordSwa, post:5, topic:252586"]
Because they hurt me. But on the other hand, I see her as my salvation, because my flaws disappear by the effect of her virtues...

[/quote]

I see a lot of poetic language there. It significantly departs from your normal way of speaking. Are you sure that's what you really think, as in honestly, confidently, that it is not some kind of concept you're trying to follow as opposed to how you really feel? I had a bit of that problem myself when I was your age.


#10

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