Relationship getting to physical too quick


#1

So I’ve been with this guy for…not very long. I couldn’t say exactly how long we’ve been together because it started as a friendship and just gradually morphed into an intimate relationship.

Anyway, though we haven’t had sex or anything “extreme,” we have, a couple times now, gotten a bit…err… amarous shall I say :blush: .

Although I love him, I feel like it’s going a bit quick. He hasn’t pressured me to do anything, quite the contrary actually. So how do I tell him I want to take a step back without making him feel hurt or embarrased?


#2

Your asking him to take a step back shouldn’t make him feel hurt - if it does, he’s looking for love you can’t give him. If it makes him feel embarrassed, that’s good he knows its wrong, he’s been caught and he can now follow his conscience as he should have in the first place. If it makes him angry, he’s not the right guy and you should move on.

Just tell him ‘I don’t think it is appropriate and will not take part in sex, making out, petting, or whatever until marriage’. Draw the line and then STICK TO IT.

As a Catholic I don’t think making out or petting or anything that remotely resembles foreplay should take place until marriage. Sex is for marriage and so is all that which leads to it.

Christ’s peace.


#3

Chances are, if he’s a decent guy, he feels guilty about it too. Broach the subject sometime things aren’t getting physical. Something like, “You know the other day … I just think our affection went a little far. I always feel so bad about it when that happens, and I was wondering if we could put down some hard-and-fast rules so that it doesn’t happen again.” It might help if you mention you had to mention it in confession … the reminder that this is sinful and keeping you from God will add a motivation (I’m assuming he’s Catholic – but even if he isn’t, these are your beliefs and he should respect them).

Now, it’s always hard to go backwards in a physical relationship – which is why I suggest definite rules, like “If it’s covered by clothes, don’t touch it” or “No French kisses” or “No being alone in my apartment.” “We’ll try to do better next time” is so vague, you almost never follow something like that.

Also, try to increase your relationship in other areas – like hobbies you share, and even prayer. It helps.


#4

Take your time, you shouldn’t have to tell him that you don’t want him doing something amorous… I would just slow things down, if possible.

Now I’m a man and not married, but the girl I love is also Catholic and we are intimate as friends and we touch, but we don’t french-kiss or anything like that. We share our thoughts, share our lives and our thoughts.

Enjoy the company of each other. That in and of itself is so valuable to me. I wouldn’t change that for sex any time. She gives me strength and companionship and getting physical is something for a another time. We are both young and in university.

The point is, that sharing your life with the person you love is more important than sex. Love is more than sex. That’s the wonderful thing about love.


#5

Yes, I definitely agree with this.
I too am at a univeristy, and so is my boyfriend.
We have been dating for two months now and it is a long distance relationship. I see him one day a week, or if I am lucky two.
Being intimate with your partner is not necessary to make a relationship work. If you feel uncomfortable, tell him. Set down your rules and see what rules he decides to keep. If he pressures you for something, then it is time to leave him no matter how much you like him. It is better to have good communication NOW instead of trying later on in a relationship to create communication.
For example, I made my boyfriend wait a full month before kissing him (he had given me the choice for our first kiss). This way I could be positive that I actually liked him as a friend before I started anything more serious.
And I had been acquainted this guy my entire life.
This is just something to think about in your situation. And anybody else who just happens to read this.


#6

I think saying exactly what you told us it the best approach. Being that blunt and forward is protecting your purity and fostering a true sense of discernment between the both of you. When things get ‘too romantic’ emotions get in the way of common sense and decision making. Steve Wood’s book* The ABC’s of Choosing a Good Husband* is good at pointing out ways to approach certain situations like this. Essentially if you tell it to him straight, & let him know you still have feelings for him he should not hesitate in backing down. Otherwise, a guy who would leave you for such a simple request would be trouble down the line anyway.

Just my two cents


#7

Early on in a relationship the physical passion can get mixed with the other emotions. And as long as the relationship and the amount of activity keep escalating the relation will remain fresh and vibrant. I think what happens with many relationships is that when the constant escalation of physical passion stops or reaches the point it can’t grow any more, couples realize that the non physical portion of the relationship is not enough to keep them together. The question is “is your relationship strong enough to stand on its own with out physical side?” You really won’t be able to tell that until you stop the escalation of the physical aspect.

Bottom line is draw the line and articulate it clearly. If a guy and girl had a relationship where first base was a given and second base were occasional and the girl suddenly puts on the brakes with out explanation the guy will likely take it as a rejection and an indication that the girl is less interested. However, if she were to explain before hand it could be turned into a positive thing. For instance if she were to say something to the effect of ‘I really like/love you and this relationship is getting very strong, I want to know you want me for who I am not just because we are passionate about each other.’

If a guy looses interest because he has no hope of getting to base x with you, it is better to find out now than at the seven year itch point.


#8

Tell him that you want to take things slow.

When you are intimate too soon with a person, you become attached to the person for the wrong reasons. You won’t get an opportunity to get to know the real him.

If he is a nice guy, he’ll understand. If he’s not, then you are probably better off.


#9

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