Relationship Guidance

I was recently using my boyfriend’s computer and discovered he has been looking at porn. It was a stab in the heart because he had promised me this year that he would not look at anything like that. He and I have been together for 3 years and are in a chaste relationship. I know that it is difficult to find a good chaste man, and I thought I had one, but this just tore me apart. I just wanted to get advice from other Catholics on how I should confront the issue. Thank you.

I don’t know if I would even bring it up to him. It might be something that happened once, and he’s embarrassed by it. As evident by some of the threads on this board, pornography can develop into a habit, much like smoking and drinking. Especially in young men. It might be something that he is working on to overcome. And I’m not sure it’s in the best interest of your relationship to confront him about this. If it really bothers you, then just pray on it. Pray for the Holy Spirit to help him. It just doesn’t seem like it’s any of your business to bring that up to him at this point in time. If y’all are married, then it becomes a different story. Don’t let it get you too upset. It is very difficult for young men to overcome certain feelings and urges. Just keep praying for him. Just my $.02.

I disagree with Sea Bass. I think that if you’re in a serious relationship, and may consider marriage with this person, then you have every right to know about his sexually immoral habits, especially porn. It is something you need to consider before you even become engaged. And if this guy is someone you are not interested in marrying(or if he is not interested in marrying you), then stop wasting your time with him.

You’re not really giving us enough information, though. Is porn a problem he has had since you’ve been together? Has he tried to quit? It is entirely possible and even likely that he is addicted to it. Are either of you Catholic? What are his beliefs and attitudes of the immorality of porn? These are all major factors.

Dear lsufan81

It would be very helpful if you could give us some more information about your relationship, and perhaps also about what you discovered on his computer. What are his beliefs about this issue? Does he have a history of watching porn? Did you find one link or numerous links? Was it something like a youtube video or was it a hard core pay site? The answers to such questions, would give us a better idea about what you are dealing with.

God bless you

Dear LSUfan81,
This is a tough situation dear, but the response I think depends upon a lot of things like TLDenmark said. How much he was looking at, if it was more a payed for service, if he has lied on several instances denying he has when at that time he indeed was. Porn can be a habit that someone is battling and your relationship may not be serious enough for him to bring it to you (I don’t know, you judge that). I would say if you are in close proximity of geting engaged like the next 4-6 months I would lean more towards bringing it up because yes you have a right to know the exact details.
Now in brining it up I would say be delicate and give him an opportunity to tell you. Maybe in the form of a conversation say, “since we are really considering marriage, I think it would be good for us to discuss if this past year either of us have had any struggles with chastity and what we can do from here as to overcoming it before getting engaged.” If he denies having a problem, wait a week or so and then bring up “hey I know you said you have not, but recently I came across some stuff on your computer and I just need some reassurance that this was a mistake.” If he seems to be flippant or upset, this may warrant re-evaluation of the relationship. If he says that it was an accident and it seems like it could be reasonablly (and not evidence of a habit), then you sould be fair to him and trust his word… though I guess if you are still uncomfortable, then you cannot get engaged and I would say you should talk to a spiritual director or trustworthy priest for guidance.

Hope that helps and good luck in finding that chaste man (maybe you already have truly found him :wink: ). God knows we need more.

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