Relationship help


#1

I am currently going through RCIA as my boyfriend and I plan to get married in the near future(I hope it’s near). I have also been raised in a catholic family just haven’t received all the sacraments so I do know what I am getting into and have been wanting to do this for years.

Our problem is, we have been dating for a year and a half and the physical tension is becoming very hard to bear, especially for him. We had some slip ups in the past but since I am going through this process and will be confirmed at Easter Vigil I’m taking my faith much more seriously. I’m not really having a problem abstaining from physical relations, but my boyfriend is really having a hard time holding back.

Another issue is, we’re waiting to get married until we can support ourselves, and the job market where we are is slim to none. I have a job, but without a second income we wouldn’t be able to support ourselves.

I’m basically looking for any suggestions, how can I inspire him to return to his faith wholeheartedly, and if we have to wait perhaps another year or so to get married, what are some suggestions to staying chaste?

Thanks in advance:gopray2:


#2

Both should get involved with the church, there are a lot of meetings and gatherings for couples…I know that you can look in the bulletin after mass or even start something together after church to inspire other couples whom will be getting married or engaged soon to keep chaste you know?! And get involved in extra curricular activities, both serve together in the church before and after…It will keep you both busy, closer to GOD and learning how to respect one another without going you know?!

Believe me I know about that…I messed up in sept and got drunk with fiance and we are not expecting a baby and believe me you don’t feel any better you did what you did esp knowing how badly we wanted it to be special for us after marriage! :frowning: But I thank GOD for our baby but you know, if we would have avoided the temptation and situation been more responsible and closer to GOD things might have turned out a little better…

GOD bless, and congrats on your relationship, I hope it continues to succeed and will bloom into marriage for you! :smiley:


#3

Jessica,

I will pray for you and your boyfriend. My wife and I got married in August and we dated for 4 years. Its hard to date for a long time especially when you really love that person. One thing I came to realize, which I knew but it never really hit me hard, if you really love that person you will wait. Its hard and you might mess up, but you have to do you best and want to be holy with your whole heart. It is extremely important for you both to be on the same page on this issue.

One of the things that helped my wife and I before we were married were some boundaries that we set, so we did not get in a situation where it would be too hard to stop. If someone is having an especially hard time, you may have to make some even more strict boundaries. Basically you have to know yourself, know your significant other and be honest. For some people kissing for x number of seconds is too long. Even things like where your hards are when you kiss are things you have to talk about. Trust me, its not a conversation that your boyfriend is going to want to have, but it is important.

Then there are also things that are just too hard for everyone like laying next to each other and kissing, laying in bed together, etc.


#4

Suggestions? How about “self control”. A real man is in control of himself. If he can’t do that now, get ready for a ton of kids after you get married (abstinence is a key component of NFP) . It takes work, but there’s no time like the present. Tell him to check out David De Angelo’s program “On being a man” it’s all in there.


#5

and situation been more responsible and closer to GOD things might have turned out a little better…

that we set, so we did not get in a situation where it would be too hard to stop. If someone is having an especially hard time, you may have to make some even more strict boundaries. Basically you have to know yourself, know your significant other and be honest. For some people kissing for x number of seconds is too long. Even things like where your hards are when you kiss are things you have to talk about. Trust me, its not a conversation that your boyfriend is going to want to have, but it is important.

Then there are also things that are just too hard for everyone like laying next to each other and kissing, laying in bed together, etc.

Two important things in these posts

Being on the same page

avoiding temptation

This might mean you and your BF are going to have to reel it in and not do some of the things you’re used to doing becasue eventually these things inevitably go to far, it’s human nature.


#6

Thanks to those who have responded so far. I agree with the boundary suggestions.
And I know part of what makes it hard is boyfriend has kind of lost his way in his faith and is a little discouraged ever since our “slip”. I thought that my joining RCIA and him coming to classes with me might help, but I haven’t seen a change yet :shrug:


#7

has he been to confession? A thing like that can really weigh heavily on a person. If he goes to confession (even again, never can go too much) he can mention his disillusionment to the priest. He will have some good advice.


#8

I would highly recommend, that before you get married, you both get on the same page faith and purity wise. I know I kinda said that already, but if you feel that he has kind of “lost his way in faith” that may be something to look at and take extra time for. Its also important to find out, if you don’t know already, what he is feeling that makes him discouraged. That will tell you a lot. It could be that he feel guilt or is ashamed of himself, or like he let you down. This would atleast show that you value the same thing. Or he could be thinking he does not think it was as big a deal and you’ve slipped once, so why really wait. That would be a problem for you.

Also, have you talked about Natural Family Planning? NFP is great for so many reasons. It makes you cherish the time you have together, especially if you are trying to not get pregnant for any reason, and it helps you both think if your fertility has belonging to both of you. I don’'t recommend learning it too soon, because knowing that you are not fertile could be a temptation, especially for your boyfriend. I think it should be closer to the time you get married. But their will be times in marriage when you will have to abstain. Remind him that when he does not give into temptation, he will be rewarded by God.


#9

I think that you have been given some good advice so far. I just wanted to chime in with a few resources that may help you both as you prepare for the possibility of a life together.

Check out “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West.

Watch these videos:

youtube.com/view_play_list?p=9780B49A3BEAA33F&search_query=romance+without+regret

Check out www.chastity.com as this is a great site that will provide you with a lot of information.


#10

Avoid being along too much, stay away from romantic places and keep yourselves busy doing active stuff like biking or walking. Maybe try bowling or volunteer work…put all that energy into something useful. :wink:


#11

Yes we’ve talked about this and we’re on the same page about practicing NFP when we’re married.

Thanks to all for your advice, it’s given me a lot to consider, think about, and hopefully talk to the boyfriend with. I love CAF :slight_smile:


#12

Cool. Glad to be of assistance. That’s what brothers and sisters in Christ ( or the mystical body of Christ) are for! Too many Catholics keep their Catholic Faith to themselves, which help no one. We are supposed to reach out and help those around us.

I will pray that your boyfriend will be receptive to what you have to say.


#13

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