Relationship help?

I have been with my girlfriend for over two years. I came back to the Catholic Church about 5 or 6 months ago. She has been open to practice a chaste relationship and it really has helped me to love her in new ways. I feel like it has done the opposite for her. She accepted it in our relationship but not in her heart. I feel like she holds a grudge against me. Recently we have been arguing a lot about our future. She wants to go back on “the pill” if we are to get married while I want to practice NFP. I have shown her multiple sources about how bad the pill is for her body and why it is better for a married couple to practice NFP.
I try not to be pushy but she takes offense to a lot of the things I say. My campus minister once told me “your not a good minister if you never offend anyone.” I can see why this is true but its difficult when your in such a loving relationship. Sometimes I feel like I should let her go so that she can see how shallow and loveless most of our culture is. I don’t mean to say this pridefully since I know there are plenty of men better than me, and if she finds one of them maybe she will be more accepting to him than to me, and I think I would be okay with that. I just dont want her to fall back into the sinful autonomous culture we live in today.

Has anyone been in a similar situation with a relationship. How can I help guide her to the truth without being pushy or offending her. I am very argumentative by nature unfortunately so I do try hard to stay cool when we discuss things, but even when I am at my most calm levels she still gets offended and finds away to initiate an argument. Please pray for us and that we may find and follow God’s plan for our future, and any suggestions would be greatly appreciated… thanks!!!

I think that you should focus on finding a spouse with whom you share the most important values and beliefs.

She simply may not be the one with whom you can do this.

I am in a very similar situation like you, my dear. Let me just say that the Lord and all of us are very proud of you for deciding to seek a more spiritual path.
I understand her frustration that suddenly after having sex at the start of your relationship, that you decide to stop for your faith and live a chaste life until marriage. I did the same thing with my boyfriend. At first he didn’t quite understand and thought I had stopped loving him and found someone else. When I explained to him that it was because of my Faith and he saw how much I changed for the better, he understood. That opened up a whole new conversation about the future, which was very promising.

I can only give you suggestions based on my experience, and I will say that if he wasn’t as accepting of my new spiritual change then I would have let him go. Not because I didn’t love him or because it would have been easy, but because I love God and would choose him and this lifestyle over the love of a man. :heaven:
God bless you.

I agree.

I think that if she’s not on board, it may be wise to let her go.

It’s nice that you are concerned with her soul and don’t want her to “fall back into the sinful and autonomous culture we live in”. However, I don’t think that’s a good reason to stay with her. In fact, I think it’s more likely that if you stay with her and end up married, she’ll pull you that way.

I don’t really think there is any way to “guide her to the truth”, as you say. All you can do is ask her to understand how your views have changed and be clear that you’ve decided this isn’t an area you are willing to compromise on. Make sure that she knows you understand it must be hard for her to be accepting of your change, but that you feel it is right. If you can stay calm and rational, she will either accept it or not.

Look at it this way- if she loves you enough to accept this part of you and embrace it, then that’s great. But if she doesn’t, you’ve come back to the church before being married, so your faith can now help guide you to the person who you should be with.

As tough and heartbreaking as it may be, you should take 1ke’s advice seriously.

I searched for a spouse the way most of society does. I love him, but we have some serious problems that stem from disagreements about faith and morals. You know better than I whether or not she may eventually take to heart the same things that you have committed to, but it’s much better to cause a little pain now than to try to survive a long-term relationship with conflicts like this.

I think staying in a relationship for purposes of converting the other person is not good sound advice. If she is not willing to accept the principles of marriage such as being open to life than your relationship probably is not going anywhere from here. The only other thing I can say is that possibly you may be coming off a bit high handed. You may want to go to a couples to couples league meeting so she can ask her own questions of women who are practicing NFP rather than a man that is not and is learning out of a book.

Thanks guys for all of your responses. I guess I am in a way trying to “convert” her. It just seems so devious when its put in those terms. I can understand how frustrating this is for her. And its not like I’m sticking with the relationship simply because Im waiting for her to change her mind. I do love her and I can see her as my wife, but it seems like it is impossible to get over this hump. I do ask her to do her own research but I feel like she puts very little effort into it. I have suggested that she visit someone who knows more about NFP, or to read a book about it or something. If she actually puts effort into learning about it and still rejects it… then I think it will come down to me making a decision about ending our relationship or not.

I am very argumentative by nature

I have this same issue sometimes… I feel for you.

Rather than trying to convince her why she should believe what you do, I would ask her why she doesn’t. In fact I would ask her all kinds of questions. I don’t know the specifics of your conversations of course but in dealing with a confrontation that way instead of just arguing point after point you force the other person to really consider their own perspective and how it may be flawed or at least how it may have changed from what it used to be.

We’ve established why you want to be chaste and not use the pill. But she is Catholic and disagrees, why?

It goes against the faith she holds (or at least held). So knowing that why does she disagree? The simple answers of course are “I want to have sex” and “the pill is almost a guaranteed method of birth control”. The answers I’d look for are why is she willing to do those things knowing they are sinful?

The potential problem with that of course is that either she’s going to realize her error and agree with you (hopefully) or she may determine that she know longer holds those same beliefs any more (hopefully not) and trying to convince her that she should will likely only push her away. So while I don’t think you should give up (two years is a long time to just walk away from someone without a fight), you may eventually find yourself in a position that you should consider 1ke’s point as it is valid.

I would imagine that a woman being told by a man that isn’t a doctor what is best for her body is a bit off putting as well. Even if you’re right :wink:

Honestly, I only went to a male doctor for 3 years for the sole purpose that he was known to be the ABSOLUTE best in his field. I had to deal with 3 of his male partners during my PG… YUCK… they were all awful!!! Other than that…I happen to think many docs are mediocre at best… and I’d rather be talking about my female issues with a person who actually experiences the same things I do.

So… honestly, if my boyfriend, who I’m not married to started giving me medical advise… I’d probably run for the hills… And now… I’m married. And guess what. He’d have to be coming at me with information that I asked for. Like, I’m dying in bed and I need some research done…

Just to give you some added perspective…

Personally, other than you want to remain chaste until you’re married, you might want to hit on topics that don’t involve her person for a while. THEN perhaps once/if she’s on board
she’ll be more willing to live a life as directed by the Church…

Good luck!

With all due respect, just because you see the light now, does not mean she does. I am sure before you saw the light, you probably dismissed everyone who told you premarital sex was wrong.

Jesus has to accept everyday that people reject him. If she does not want to follow his ways, God will not force her and neither can you.

Also, as much as I believe follow the teachings of the church is the way to go, a lot of secular people don’t. If you do break up with her, she may not ‘See how bad other men are’. She could very well end up finding a secular man and be glad she can now go back on the pill. As much as that would hurt you, it is a very big possibility.

I think you are asking yourself the wrong question ie ‘How do I get her to see the light’. Instead you should be asking yourself ‘Am I willing to hold on to a person that has no desire to follow the church on the faint hope one day she might have a change of heart but as of today, she shows all indication that she won’t change’

If you have the strenght for it, then hold on. But if you don’t want that temptation, I would let her go

God Bless


Break up. If you’re going to argue now and have a hard time trying to get her to see your point of view, what makes you think she’ll ever see it? You could spend a life time doing this. Even if she does “change” what will stop her from not going back to what she believed? Lastly, she could drag you away from Christ [not in an evil demonic way you understand].

I’m sorry to be blunt. As mentioned, you don’t have a girlfriend in order to convert or live in the hope they’ll understand you. That is immature and pathetic [again, apologies for being blunt, not saying you are immature or pathetic, just that these actions are]. You must resolve to be the best Catholic you can be, you must be the man you need to be - the man Christ is calling you to be. Don’t mope around saying “I hope she understands one day…” - not only is this unattractive but it’s also silly.

Move on. Christ is calling you friend, and if it’s His will you will find someone who shares your faith and morals - someone who wants to lead you to Christ.

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