Relationship Questions

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months, I come from a very traditional Catholic family and he comes from a non-practicing Lutheran family. He wanted to have sex before marriage, but I wasn’t too sure about that. Unfortunately he was able to persuade me to have sex with him. This doesn’t make him a bad or forceful person by any means, he’s a great guy and all. How do I tell him that I want it to stop? He’s mentioned before that if I told him I didn’t want to he would respect that, but I kind of feel bad.

In addition to that question, what do Catholic teachings say about a boyfriend and girlfriend sleeping together (non-sexually)? At the beginning of the semester I had a bad roommate and I would go over to his dorm for the night because I couldn’t handle her coming in drunk all the time.

pre-marital sex is mortal sin. You need to go to confession. Study after study has shown that couples that engage in pre-marital sex and live together have very high rates of divorce. while it felt good and wonderful, it is sin and if you have a boyfriend now that want to have sex, you need to find a new boyfriend. True love can wait for marriage. Premarital sex interfere with the marital bond afterwards. Faithfulness in marriage is set before marriage. You feel bad because, you broke God’s design for sex and marriage, you gave aways your virginity and having sex with this guy doesn’t mean at all you he is going to marry you. There is a saying why buy the cow when the milk is free. That is what pre-marital sex is, giving away the milk for free. To stop, you are going to have to avoid being alone with him where you both have opportunity to engage in sex. Once you have said yes, it will be very hard to back out and not do it again and stop sleeping together. If he is a lax Lutheran, are you planning on a Catholic home? I think you have been used.

Do you make your own decisions?
Just say no.
You say you don’t want to do it.
Make the choice to say no.

I agree with this 100% except the part about getting a new bf and being used. He grew up in a home with almost no religion so how should he know that what he was doing was so wrong? When I met my husband he did every sexual sin that is humanly possible and now he is one of the most devout men of God that I know because he was fully introduced to the Lord through the Catholic Church. Bring your boyfriend to mass. Meet with a priest and bring him along. Find a good Catholic counselor. Try to help him see why what you guys were doing was wrong and what you can do to live chastely from now on. Not all people know to the depths that we Catholics do that sexual sin is very very serious. Sometimes they need help and guidance.

that is a beautiful testimony and I hope that could be true here as well. My concern is that many times, the person that is pressuring the other for sex (and asking is pressure) isn’t too interested in God a majority of the time. Plus OP needs to stop going over there to avoid the drunk roommate which is just a set up for having sex. She should find a new roommate as well. That would be wonderful if that would happen and if the boyfriend is willing to go with her to Mass and see the priest.

Yes I agree, sleeping in bed with him non sexually is not going to be good for you or him and if he is very unwilling to engage in anything religious with you then he does not love you or deserve you. However, you might want to give him that chance first before writing him off right away. Sometimes those who have had no religious structure in their life crave it. They truly want God in their lives. But if not, it shows that he has a hard heart and doe snot deserve someone as wonderful as you as you obviously care for your soul and care about what God wants of you.

Dear Aintrona,

I understand what you are going through because I have personally experienced it myself. When I came to believe in the Catholic faith at age 27, I told my fiancée (lapsed Catholic at the time) that I could no longer continue to have premarital sex. She agreed that it was sinful and that we should stop. For the first three months, lets just say her understanding about this issue came and went. We fought constantly about it. But, I knew what I had to do and I stuck with what was right. In the last year, God has richly blessed our relationship for our commitment to celibacy. We are more happy than ever and my fiancée has returned to the Church.

God is always calling us to come home to him. He is calling you home because he loves you so much. If he wasn’t, you wouldn’t have posted this message on this board. Nothing is by chance. If you haven’t already done so, don’t walk but run to the nearest confessional. You don’t know how much us converts long to go and receive absolution for our sins. God knows your sins and he wants to forgive you. Make yourself right with God.

Unfortunately, our sins, especially the grave ones, have serious consequences. I can almost promise you that climbing out of sexual sin will not be easy. You may lose your boyfriend over it. It will be difficult for you to refuse to sin again. But, always remember the words of our Lord, “For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” Remember also the words of St. Paul, “I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”

I will pray for you. If you have more questions, order a copy of Christopher West’s book, “The Good News about Sex and Marriage.” It is a wonderful read and discusses the author’s climb out of sexual sin in college. A used copy can be had for about $4 on Amazon.com.

I appreciate what you have shared and what is neat about CAF is that different people have different angles based on life experiences. Again, thanks for what you shared concerning your husband and reminding us that God can redeems everyone.

Thank you for your kind words and yes God always redeems us all as long as we want it.

The drunk roommate issue needs to be resolved. I’m not sure how, but that’s not going to work out. Going over to your boyfriend’s to escape won’t help with the other matter at hand, trying to say “no” to sex. It will put you into a position of “near temptation”.

If we’re serious about trying to undo a sin, we’re supposed to try to avoid any, and all, occasions of temptations.

Now, you say you’re Catholic, but it can be very difficult for a Catholic to be in a relationship with a non-Catholic for several reasons. Some other faiths, or people who don’t take their faiths seriously, won’t respect your wish to abstain until marriage.

Why don’t you resolve to date a practicing Catholic? It might simplify your life, immensely.

Well, let’s say you one day fall in love with this person, want to get married, have a family. How will that work? Will he go to his church and you to yours? What about the children? Will you go with your kids to your Church or will he go with the kids to his?

What about being raised in the faith? Which faith would they be raised in?

If you were, at a future point, to want to practice Natural Family Planning, rather than contraception, do you think he’d be amenable and open to life?

Were you to marry, would he be willing to go to precana?

If you wanted to have statues, rosaries, religious pictures at your house, do you think he’d be okay with that? Keep in mind, few of these issues tend to even manifest themselves during dating, but they generally will in marriage.

Everybody we date we need to consider as a potential marriage partner.

Just be honest. Tell him you regret it. Tell him you think it is a poor decision. Be open and frank. Then wait and see if he starts trying to get you in bed again. If he does, then he isn’t taking your concerns seriously enough. If he starts getting moody or aloof because he’s not getting any, maybe you need a man who is more mature with the same values. If abstaining is something you want to do, then put your foot down and leave it down. Don’t lead him along and tease him. If he wants sex more than he wants you then you’ll have to let him go. If he cheats, cut him loose. You’ll be doing him a favor by showing him what a woman ought to do.

Just say no and mean it, if you do. The rest will sort itself out.
The more you complicate the situation, the harder it will be to make a firm decision.
Just say no. If he is unhappy with you, you have all the answers you need.

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